Season 5; Hour Three (9:00 AM - 10:00 AM)

Ah, the more things change, the more they stay the same… By the end of hour 4, Day 5 we’ll have two terrorist suicides, two instances of Jack risking everything to save people he cares about (Chloe in hour 1 and Derek perhaps for the rest of this freakin’ day if he keeps up his idiot behavior…), and at least 2 or 3 glib comments from Chloe. ‘24’ certainly came right out of the blocks kicking butt this season. You can see how the writers and directors of the show have developed their skills over the years: even in hours 3 and 4 where there was less true action than the first two hours, there was a boat-load of tension and some very nice character moments. Not to mention two executions and a couple of flashes of bountiful first lady cleavage. Am I the only one who wants a little more sex with their violence, please?

But as usual I’m getting ahead of myself. At the beginning of this hour, I’m thinking Jack is having one of those moments where he wishes he had stayed at home and watched it all on television. He suddenly finds himself trapped inside a kidnapping drama thanks to a single name and address encrypted deep inside Palmer’s memoirs. I’m really looking forward to hearing how Palmer came into possession of this info, by the way. His possession of such a hot lead on a terrorist plot is reminiscent of the “Ex-Presidents” superhero skit on Sat. Night Live. Did he take time-out from golf outings and charity benefits to quarterback a quick undercover op in the Balkans?

Of course, Chevensky would have proven a dead end (yuk yuk) if a legion of wired-to-pop terrorists hadn’t stormed the airport right after Jack got there. And touchy terrorists they are. No cell phone calls (I sure hope that guy didn’t get charged for the call; that would suck!), a preference for quiet crowds, and a disturbing desire for controlled breathing in potential victims.

Meanwhile, Jack is giving CTU the heads up on the situation and I’m wondering why no one is asking him where the hell he’s been for 18 months. Or maybe even asking for some proof that he’s who he sez he is. But that is the last bit of logic that I’m going to try to apply to this show because dammit, I’m having too much fun!

OK, I lied. What exactly do the terrorists want again? Repudiate the treaty that’s about to get signed? Why isn’t anyone questioning what a lame-o request this is? “True national sovereignty” – what does that mean, fellas? And do you really think Domino’s can deliver it overnight? How about something like free some prisoners, get some troops out of somewhere, or any other simple, concrete demand? And if President BirdNeck and Russian BlockHead repudiate the treaty…is anti-terrorism going to stop? Will the terrorists actually gain anything except a little stiffie from making the number 1 and number 5 leaders of the world capitulate to them for a day? Some policy wonk somewhere has got to be thinking this is all a smoke-screen for something else.

Anyway, I certainly did enjoy Jack telling off Buchanan with his “I don’t work for you” bit. I’m hoping this is the tip of the not-playing-by-rules iceberg. ‘Cause when Jack does play by the rules, fingers get broken and chest-hair gets charred. Who know what mayhem we can expect when he goes off the grid.

And how about that President BirdNeck? I tell you, if he was actually the age he acted instead of the leader of the free world, I’m thinking Mike Novick would give him a good spanking and refuse to change his diaper for a week. J was right on when he pegged Logan’s petulant attitude without any corresponding bright ideas. He might as well be saying, “I’m going to hold my breath until you resolve this crisis!” for all the actual good he does when things get hairy.

We also are treated to the first Chloe and Edgar slapdown, with Chloe as usual sending the Chubster back to his screen with his tail between his legs. And Buchanan buddy – I love the steely leadership and all, but how about a little “I’m glad you didn’t get blowed up” love for Chloe, huh? With Girlfriend, Jack and later on our little Hobbit friend saving your ass left and right, I’m starting to wonder what value you bring to the table. Not only is Chloe clued in to the superfine techno-mumbo-jumbo, she seems to be able to count protocols better than you can. [I laughed out loud when I finally realized you were were referring to Sean Astin as "our little Hobbit friend." Outstanding. - J]

Back at the airport, Jack is promising Diane that he will get Derek out of this crazy jam. Oh, Jack, your are SO pussy-whipped! Or you have a near-debilitating sense of loyalty to those you love, which may be a distinction without a difference. Diane holds promise to be one of those ’24’ rarities, an interesting female character who isn’t crazy or evil, someone like Lynn Kresge. (Note to Diane: stay away from stairwells.) Anyway, for the next couple of hours, Diane is going to be relegated to peskily bothering Curtis and generally being a noodge. Too bad.

So not even a half-hour into the airport situation and the terrorists pop a man on national TV causing Prez BirdNeck to pop a blood vessel or two in his brain. [Yeah, I thought they had 90 minutes? Impatient terrorists. -J] Oh, so that’s what a civilian casualty looks like. Clearly the Prez doesn’t have a strong imagination and had to be shown this to actually get it. Does not bode well if he’s ever presented with a situation involving nuclear weapons. Oops, already been there, done that.

So next up on the civilian chopping block is, of course, our boy Derek which sets the stage for the coolest part of this hour: the “phone call of death.” While this may be absolutely ridiculous technology-wise, it’s pure genius plot-wise. We get to see Chloe and Spenser being awkward with each other while also being slammed against a deadline where the “dead” part is particularly relevant. We get to see Jack pull another innovative gem out of his ass, further cementing him as the true MacGyver of counter-terrorism. And ‘24’ taps into the frustration of every single electronic device user who has ever had to wait for something to boot up. The truth is, if Derek had bought it, his blood would have been on Nokia’s (?) hands, not President Logan’s. [Actually, that was a Sony Treo Jack was using. Yes, I pay way too much attention. - J]

I have to wonder though: why, when a terrorist blows up, does paper always fly all over the place? Is that the Koran in his back pocket being scattered or does every terrorist carry a ream of copier paper around?

Now I have to take a brief break from the actual action to talk about our bountiful-bosom-baring first lady (thank you, Alliteration 101). I, like J, was concerned that Martha was going to be a tiresome character and I was sharpening my (fly) pen to slam her all to hell. But I loved the little dive into the sink she did in her first scene and she definitely distinguishes herself in this hour. When she confronts the dude in the bathroom – in the bathroom! – I was thinking, how is she possibly going to get over on this guy? But, notwithstanding the fact that everyone thinks Martha is a loon so her crying rape might not be so effective for her, it was great to see her play the card anyway. And frankly, if a slightly deranged first lady was flashing me her lacy underthings, I’d probably give her whatever she wanted as well. (Please, Mrs. Reagan, can you just let me pee in peace!)

Of course, the improbability factor with this little subplot continues to grow. First Palmer comes across this hot lead somehow and seeks to impart it not to Wayne or someone with two brain cells to rub together, but Madcap Martha? Hmmmm… And the implication here is that Palmer said even more that would indicate that he was aware of the depth of the plot. He’s gotta know that the call is being recorded – was that how is was trying to get the word inside the White House? Again, hmmmm….

For true ‘24’ geeks, we have the return of Agent Pierce, who shows that he’s got some backbone. Or maybe he’s in a touchy mood too because of Palmer’s assassination. But here it is, hour 3 and most all of the past season survivors have shown up, including the Cubbie mug. Soon we’ll be into the second tier of recurrence, what with Kim coming back and hey, maybe they can spring Daniel Dae Kim from ‘Lost’ to do that Agent Baker thing (or did they kill him off? I can’t remember.) What would be really cool would be one of those cross-over episodes where in a ‘Lost’ flashback, you see that Jin wasn’t actually a Korean hitman but a CTU agent! Now, that would freak some people out!

So Martha gets what she was looking for but we won’t know what that is for at least a few hours. In the meantime, a few more glances at Martha’s Victoria Secret fashions will suffice for me. Would it gross you all out if I categorized the First Lady as a MILF (that is, “a Martha I’d Like to F***”)?

Now we’re barreling toward the big CTU attack on the airport when that bastard Cummings rats out Jack. This too is a pure genius plot move and a great setup for the next hour. How many of you at home said “Oh shit!” when bad boy Beresch pulled out his laptop? (Or if you live in Minnesota, “oh poop!”) And how, you’ve got to wonder for the 87th time in ‘24’ history, is Jack going to get out of this one? Well, stay tuned because luckily we’re just a commercial break away from more fun!