Season 5; Hour One (7:00 AM - 8:00 AM)

Air Date: 15 May 06
Reviewer: J

Oh, yeah, you bet your ass we’re back.

Of course, I’m referring to me and D and an all-new season of snarkish reviews here at The Unofficial 24 Page. However, this could easily be the title of the first hour of 24 of the new season, which is the fifth (amazing how time rolls by). We were warned for more than a month that the next season of 24 was coming and it looked like a sensory orgasm, especially for crazy males, such as myself. We were told not to miss the first ten minutes. Of course, Fox did their best to fuck that up by having a post-game show to the Carolina-Chicago playoff game in which we got to hear the incoherent ramblings of Terry Bradshaw and Howie Long for a few minutes. Fantastic. I text messaged my friend and said, “Do you realize how many people’s Tivos are going to miss the last ten minutes thanks to this crap?”

Anyway, so we finally got to the season premiere (good lord, has it been eight months since we saw Jack walk away and into the sunrise?) on Sunday night and it certainly did deliver. For the first time ever, we had a “previously on 24” of sorts at the start of a season – this one said “18 months ago” (isn’t it neat how these things almost always are spaced a year and a half apart?) and it recapped for us the closing 8 or 9 minutes of Season Four, showing who helped Jack cover up his death and how he and Palmer spoke knowing it would probably be the last time. We cut to Season Five and learn that Jack is hiding out in Mojave, California. (Didn’t a nuke go off not far from here a few years ago? Is Jack looked for pieces of George Mason?) Not Chicago, where he was driving his Toyota Avalon and wearing his hair in the style of a nappy-looking bedraggled homeless man. A bedraggled, homeless man driving $30K+ car, I’ll grant you, but whatever. Come to think of it, didn’t Tony and Michelle set Jack up to “get across the border” at the end of Season Four? When Tony said that, I it meant presumably into Mexico but maybe he just meant across the border of Los Angeles County. Who knows.

Anyway, Jack is working as a white-trash oil refinery worker. Err, you know what I mean. Actually oil drillers make shitloads of money but since there is some considerable risk and oil is worth, oh, you know, $50 a barrel, it’s fair. As it turns out, Jack wasn’t going to be getting any work so he goes back to his current bachelor pad, which we eventually learn is rented to him by this season’s token love interest. This year’s token love interest has a son who is clearly playing the role of idiot offspring who makes an inconceivable number of consecutive poor judgment calls and repeatedly has ass saved by Jack. For further clarification of this role, see Bauer, Kim.

Meanwhile, the “first ten minutes” gibberish turned out to be legit because we go right to the high-rise penthouse apartment of Wayne Palmer. You remember Wayne – he was President Palmer’s chief of staff is Season Three. Wayne Palmer, who was having an affair with George Jefferson’s wife, who turned out to be nuttier than a Planters convention and not only blew her own brains out, but took Sherry Palmer with her, too. Of course, Wayne witnessed all this but he seems to have bounced back well. One thing about this that I will say I do like is that Wayne lives in Los Angeles and that’s consistent with him being able to have an affair with Mrs. Millikin, who also lived in L.A. I remember at the time saying it didn’t make any sense because they’re not in L.A. enough for this to be the case. But it’s likely that Wayne was nailing her before he was asked to be chief of staff and was also living here in L.A. at the time.

Anyway, Wayne is in a good mood since he’s not dealing with potential nuclear disasters anymore and he and Palmer are working on Palmer’s memoirs. Damn, wouldn’t you like to read that to see what he says about being ousted from power for a few hours during Season Two or see what he says about the Drazen mission that he approved that set everything up for Season One?

David Palmer is clearly distracted as he looks at the LA Tribune (no such paper, but Chicago has a Tribune) and sees how Prez Logan’s arms treaty is currently all the rage. Yeah, right. I’m sure if our President was signing some sort of peace treaty it would get that kind of press. Please. People don’t care about real politics. Dancing with the Stars or some drivel like American Idol might get the front page, but not something like this. Especially not 90% of the newsprint above the fold, as they say. Regardless, Palmer looks pensive, which is nothing new. Wayne, being his brotha (I mean his real brother, people!), picks up on David’s wandering mind and calls him out on it. David apologizes and acts like it’s just being “melancholy.” Who the hell uses that work anymore? It’s akin to saying you’re feeling “blue.” Anyway, Wayne thinks something more is up and reminds all of us that he’s David’s brother, which I think is just some exposition for those of you who weren’t watching in Season Three. (Also, I tried my best to see the date on the paper – no dice.)

After David and Wayne have a semi-warm moment, Wayne goes back to work and David looks (pensively) out the window of the apartment. I don’t know about you, but I felt pensive myself as I watched this. David almost looked sad, as though he knew he was going to get it for whatever was on his mind. I felt myself cringing and tightening up as it looked to me like David almost saw what was coming. Sure enough, a shot rings out and pierces the glass as well as David’s throat. Ouch. Less gory than through the head, I’ll grant you, but horrible nonetheless. David Palmer flops backwards onto the floor and Wayne, predictably and understandably, freaks out. Nothing can be done however, and just like that, at about 5 minutes into Season Five, David Palmer is dead. I was sad. As you know if you read me, I really liked Palmer.

News spreads fast, and Fox news is apparently the only news channel that has this breaking story. In a very fair and balanced way, they are reporting that David Palmer was assassinated in Los Angeles. You know, this is at least the fourth time someone has made a serious attempt on David Palmer’s life in Los Angeles – I think I might stop going there.

Anyway, Jack has learned of the news and when his love interest, Diane, knocks on his door to invite him for breakfast, he draws his gun out of the couch cushions. All I ever find in my couch is loose change and peanuts. Damn, is this how Jack answers the door every time? And speaking of this lovely couple, wasn’t there a little ditty, about Jack and Diane? (Sorry, that was too easy.)

In L.A., Michelle and Tony – married again – are at their lovely, if a bit antiseptic, home somewhere in the L.A. suburbs. They have a business meeting that morning and Michelle, looking excruciatingly hot, is trying to convince Tony they should go to CTU to help. Tony, my boy, knows that nothing good ever happens when they go to CTU. Ever. In fact, he’d prefer to just stay home and ravage Michelle’s delectable body all day long. Okay, I made that part up, but you know it’s probably true. Also in this scene is the Cubbies mug!! Can you freaking believe it? The producers are clearly just playing with all of us now. Michelle, it should be noted, does not have a White Sox mug. In fact, her mug looks like part of a fancypants set and you just know she is always hoping Tony’s mug will break and then she can get rid of it. You just know how wives are about that kind of stuff. It’s just like the red, crushed velvet recliner I have in my living room. And do you know why it’s still there? Because I’m not married.

Anyway, Michelle wants to go because of what’s happened to Palmer. She points out to Tony that they worked up lots of profiles and whatnot during the other attempts on Palmer’s life. Tony points out their info is on file. Michelle counters that nobody there was active during those attempts. What? Really? Nobody has been there for longer than a few years? Interesting. I guess the turnover really is as bad as it appears.

Finally, Michelle just decides she’s going and gives Tony a tender kiss as he gently pleads with her not to go. She leaves, as do her spectacular breasts, and Tony makes a call to tell the business contact that they won’t be making it (to the meeting, that is). Michelle’s car, it turns out, has one hell of a factory defect and should probably be recalled. Or there was a bomb wired to it. Or they’re living in Tel Aviv now.

Again, this scene made me sad. Michelle, as you all know, was another of my favorites (and many other people’s, which is probably why they killed her – impact and everything). Tony, played masterfully by Carlos Bernard, comes screaming out of the house and realizes pretty quickly that his wife is dead. As he cradles her, we see the explosion image we’ve been seeing from the trailers and learn that Tony takes an explosion to the head from perhaps 8 or 10 feet away and has somehow survived. Where is he being brought, you ask? To a hospital? No, to the CTU clinic. Shit, when he wakes up (if he does) he’s going to be pissed. I wouldn’t go to the CTU clinic under any circumstances, security or not. I mean, aren’t your odds of survival better if you’re going head-to-head with an assassin than if you’re under the care of the CTU medical clinic? Speaking of which, where the hell is Erin Driscoll? Her kid died 18 months ago, shouldn’t she be back in the saddle?

No, Bill Buchanan is still running things, presumably never having left since Season Four. Can you just imagine Bill wondering when he’s going to get the call that it’s okay to come back to Division now? Sheesh, I’ve been here for almost 13,000 hours – can I come back to my office, please?

When the President Logan gets the news of Palmer’s death, I must say Greg Itzin plays this well. He seems truly shocked and upset by the assassination, but it’s likely mostly because his immediate thoughts always turn to what’s going to happen to him. Last season, he was constantly worried the miss-eye-uhl was coming to D.C. Now he’s probably worried that he’s the next to be killed. Anyway, Mike Novick, who is still apparently running Logan’s administration takes the news particularly hard and actually turns away and weeps. Excellently done. Mike really loved David and that was always clear. I have no idea how long Novick will last this season if he pisses off Walt Cummings or something or if he had any knowledge of the faking of Jack’s death, but we’ll surely find out soon.

Before long, Bill Buchanan is suggesting to Logan that he postpone the arms treaty signing. Logan steadfastly refuses and makes some valid points about how hard it has been to get the Russians to agree to such a treaty, but I think it’s clear that Logan is far more worried about how he comes across and about his Presidential legacy. Oh, and where is the President holding this summit? At this retreat, of course. No, no, not the one at Camp David. The one in California. It turns out that, according to Fox’s Web site, Logan used to be Lt. Governor of California. Okay, so this makes some sense. I’ll allow it.

However, Buchanan points out that Palmer was killed “15 miles” from the President’s retreat in Hidden Valley, California. Hidden Valley? Is this a new, manmade Hidden Valley, because Hidden Valley, CA is located right outside of Sacramento. And while I’m not geography major, I am fairly certain that isn’t all that near to L.A. Oh well, who the hell knows.

Chloe, of course, is back for this episode, which I have to say had more of a season finale than season premiere feel to it, what with all the special guest stars and whatnot. Everybody was back for the party and there was a lot less time getting to know new characters. Anyway, Chloe – finally – is getting some ass. Maybe she’ll loosen up a little bit (pun fully intended). As she hops out of bed, we see her screwed up expression hasn’t changed. Sadly, it’s not Edgar who she is boffing, but some guy named Spenser (for hire?). She tries to tell him it was a mistake and he comes onto her, which she also tries to repel with her charming, barf-faces. However, she finally relents to his arrogant machismo and…what’s that?? Is that a..a…smile?? She almost kisses him before she gets a text message (her office text messages her?) and learns of Palmer’s death.

Soon after, I thought we were going to lose Chloe as well. It seemed like they were going to take out as many principal characters as they could who knew Jack in order to bring him out of hiding. Chloe’s artfully evades them (and hopefully will remember not to open her car anytime soon) and gets in touch with Jack after realizing that those who know about him are being picked off. Jack immediately agrees to meet her at some oil refinery (what’s Jack’s hard-on for oil refineries?) to the north of L.A.

Jack, it should be noted, is now driving a Toyota Tacoma pickup truck. So he has an Avalon and a Tacoma? Ah, I remember when Jack would only drive American cars. It’s also interesting how now that Ford ain’t payin’ the bills anymore, a bad guy chases Chloe and Jack in a Ford Taurus. Wow, sucks to be you, Ford.

I haven’t yet written about Martha Logan and I hope to not do much writing about her. However, that will naturally prove impossible because the writers will make her just important enough that I’ll have to give her some press because she might be instrumental to the story – and then she won’t be. She’ll just be this year’s version of the obnoxious, annoying female character who pisses me off endlessly. See Palmer, Sherry for further information.

First Lady Martha (formerly married to George Washington) is apparently a nut job but, unlike Sherry, her nuttiness is well-known and she’s on meds. It’s jarring to see how sane and well-adjusted she makes Logan look – he’s a damn rock compared to her. I also notice that Charles Logan makes more decisions a bit quicker this year, but he is also only making them with himself in mind and he doesn’t listen to anyone else. Not a good omen.

Anyway, Martha insists that she heard from Palmer the night before and that he said he had something to discuss with her that was a “matter of national security.” Logan dismisses it until Walt Cummings, the clown who arranged Jack’s murder sentence last season, offers to figure out what Martha is ranting about. Logan is even hesitant then, certain that his wife is delusional. Walt convinces him to let him find the phone log of this supposed call. At this point, I’m thinking Logan is not evil or in on anything negative. He’s an arrogant ass who is self-absorbed and embodies the worst things in a politician, but I don’t think he’s dirty. Cummings, too, is appearing to be earnest and I’m thinking maybe he just has a dark side when it comes to getting things done. Let’s not forget, Mike Novick has Lynn Kresge silenced a few seasons ago and in doing so she fell down a stairwell and was almost killed. So nobody around here is all that clean.

Meanwhile, Jack has taken Derek, Diane’s son, with him to meet Chloe because the dumbass kid was following Jack. Poor judgment call #1. And that’s not including Derek skipping breakfast altogether. I don’t know about you, but when my mom makes me breakfast I eat.

When Jack and Chloe meet up, Jack wants to take her car to get out of there. Of course, her car is back at her apartment, presumably wired to go ka-boom. Use your head, Jack. As they get ready to board Air Kiefer for takeoff, the baddies show up who had chased Chloe earlier and killed Palmer at 7:05 AM. These are efficient henchmen.

I liked Jack’s line when Chloe reflexively asks how they found her – “I don’t think they ever lost you.” Heh.

In a touch of realism, Jack can’t get the chopper off the ground in time to get away since it takes a while for the rotors to get moving. Speaking of the chopper, I wonder if Jack will pay any price for stealing a helicopter. Probably not. You know, David Palmer’s insurance company, Allstate, would not look kindly upon car-stealing, chopper-stealing, property-damaging Jack Bauer.

Anyway, Jack happens to have some smoke grenades handy and he uses them to give them some cover. It’s a good thing the bad guys forgot where the chopper is. They stand around commenting on not being able to see, at which point I think I would have shot them. And if I were the henchemen? I would have sprayed the area with gunfire that I last saw Jack and company. But none of this happens.

Jack slowly kills them off, while separating from Chloe and Derek, but not before arming Chloe. And we all know how much Chloe likes to have a gun in her hands. She’s one-for-one by my count.

Well, you know the rest. Jack kills off members of the assassin team, clearly thinking to himself, “I miss this shit!” He manages to save Chloe and Derek right before the leader of the henchmen, “Haas,” shoots them. How did Haas find them? He saw Derek sitting where he could be seen. Moron. Poor judgment call #2, Derek. You’re not about to break Kim’s records or anything but if we give you more screen time, I bet you might give her a run.

As Jack shoots Haas in the leg, presumably in the hopes of procuring information from him and not because he suddenly became a lousy marksman, Chloe is alerted to Haas’ presence and fired three or four rounds into Haas’ gut. Ouch. Henchman Haas goes down and Jack proceeds to interrogate him, promising along the way to get him medical attention if he cooperates. Surprisingly, Haas willingly complies, obviously not seeing that Jack had his fingers crossed behind his back.

Among other things, Jack learns that he is being set up (for which we didn’t need Haas – hasn’t Jack seen the previews?) and that Palmer was going to talk about something that “they” didn’t want him to divulge. So Palmer was nervous about something. Jack figures out that Haas was the one who capped Palmer and so he brutally executes Haas. I guess after blowing Chappelle away a few years ago, point-blank murder isn’t a big deal to Jack anymore. Nor to us, the viewers.

And so ends hour one. I thought it was thrilling and that it absolutely flew by. I couldn’t believe we were already through an hour and I was so glad another one was coming right behind it. This was by far the best opening hour, I think, in terms of pure action. Normally, we have loads of set-up time and getting-to-know-you scenes. (I was re-watching a scene from Season Two at the Warner household on Sunday on A&E – oh, how I do not miss the Warners.) But this season started off fast and has kept on going through the first house, with everything appearing to be immediately intertwined. Good to see that. This way, it’ll be harder to have a Kim-like storyline.