Season 5; Hour Twenty-One (3:00AM - 4:00AM)

Air Date: 8 May 2006
Reviewer: D

First off, thanks to J for letting me spew my babbling snarkiness all over his site every other week this season. It’s been a lot of fun but, just like Jack, I don’t have quite as much time for fun anymore. Gotta disappear for a while, find a job working an oil rig and look for a hot single mom with an impressionable teen to hook up with. Also, thanks to both of my fans for the support. And mom, you don’t have to post as anonymous anymore.

Second off, I guess it’s true that if you ask for something, it will come. And here I had stopped believing in Santa Claus some 25-odd years ago. [Wait, what? –J] A couple of weeks ago I asked about all of the missing bodies and lo and behold, this ep we find out about several of the MIAs. And, as might have been expected, my prediction about them was all wrong.

But before we get into that, how about those “previouslies?” When they showed the gas canisters, did you react like me: “Oh yeah – THAT’s what this whole thing was about!” There used to be an actual threat to people in this show – you know, a terrorist threat like the kind CTU is supposed to worry about. Not that this whole “the President is bad” plot isn’t exciting in its own right and all, but it is a little off the strictly terrorist beat. Except technically I guess Logan is now the Terrorist in Chief, so we’re still on message. Sort of. OK, taking off the logic hat again now… [I also noted that the only freeze-frame intros were Bierko, Logan and Jack. Seemed like less than usual, but maybe not… –J]

In possibly the lamest scene of the night, Curtis – who has been relegated to “pick up and delivery” the bulk of this season; note to Joel: how about we give Curtis another hot love interest like last season on Day 6, please Mr. producer guy? – comes in to Audrey to tell her that her dad (code name: Toonces) survived his high-flying leap off a California cliff. Them airbags really work! So, great, Devane lives to deliver trachea punches another day. I do think this is good news for 24 fans because Devane is the only guy who’s been able to chew up as much scenery as Jack and without David Palmer around, we need at least one public official in 24-land that stands for truth, justice and the America way, circa 1945.

Audrey, by the way, all disheveled and stripped down to her skivvies, looks downright hot, a phrase I never thought I would ever apply to her. Obviously, I go for disheveled.

Meanwhile, up over the desert somewhere, Jack checks in with Karen to say he’s got the goods but that hordes of Logan Lemmings might be after him so could she blow some smoke up the Chief Exec’s veto hole so he (Jack) can scurry back to CTU. Karen, now thoroughly in Jack’s camp, is all over it. Jack then guarantees a calm and enjoyable landing by placing a gun against the pilot’s temple. Clever motivational technique.

Dr. Graham Romano – who we still don’t know the first single little bit about except that he’s one of those Bluetooth assholes that J and I both do so adore – reveals that he can by some magical means make it appear that a hijacking signal has been broadcast from Jack’s plane, thereby justifying it being shot down. Can we all just reflect for a moment how things might be different right now if this kind of thing had been implemented oh I don’t know, say September 10th, 2001? Hmmm…

Now, it is of course patently absurd that Jack would try to use the plane as a weapon and all it would take to be sure about that is to track the trajectory of the plane and make sure it was going to the airport. Chloe seems to be able to do that, the military couldn’t? And it’s great that we have Mike Novick around to tell us (and the buttoned-down Admiral as well) that, yes indeed, it is patently absurd. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if Mike had reminded the President that he himself had told Jack he could act with impunity only the day before. And if impunity meant hi-kiefering a plane and cruising over the desert, well, what good is impunity if you can’t abuse it? [Speaking of the Admiral, where was he transmitting from, a submarine? Or perhaps a discotheque with that funky reddish lighting? –J]

Anyway, this all sets up what is either the damn cleverest dovetailing of 24 plot elements in history or one of those lucky breaks that happen when you throw everything up in the air and it all lands in some cool way when it comes down. Jack has to find a place to land. A length of freeway might be a possibility except for traffic of course. Cars on the road would endanger both the plane and the poor guy on the road in the new Ford Focus who is NOT going to be as lucky as Heller when the landing gear comes through the windshield. And I could check with Dennis Haysbert on this one but, even if you were lucky enough to survive it, I don’t think State Farm covers landing gear extraction.

But wait a minute! There’s not going to be any cars – it’s 3am and there’s still a curfew on! So really, any highway out there is potential runway right now. Genius!

So now there is an extended sequence of a really nasty descent, the eminent approach of the F-18, oxygen masks popping out of the ceiling, the plane getting caught in the dive, feral lab monkeys spreading Ebola virus through downtown Detroit, Jack valiantly helping to pull the plane out of the dive, a rough and nasty landing, air brakes being pushed to the limits and the plane stopping just before slamming into an overpass. A couple of things about all that: first, I threw the Ebola thing in there just to see if you were paying attention (though, who knows what the hell is going on in Detroit these day?) and second, wouldn’t it have been cool if the plane had plowed through the underpass with just the wings breaking off? C’mon guys – we haven’t seen any real good pyrotechnics since Jack blew up that tanker at the airport! I’m getting withdrawal pangs. [And how about that CGI shot of the plane slamming down onto the freeway? Not bad, and a bit better than the flaming Air Force One shot that was shown last year in the previews but not in the actual episode because it was so laughed at. – J]

In the midst of all that, Chloe trots back into CTU thereby causing Miles to take a persnickety dump in his finely tailored trousers. Or at least, that’s what his expression said to me. Without any time for small talk (“hey Bill, guess what? I tasered a guy!”), Chloe gets ordered right back into the fray. All which leads me to ask: does CTU actually need a staff? Bill, Chloe and Jack pretty much can get it all done, apparently. There are a lot of folks milling around CTU but I’m thinking most of them are busy posting stuff on the “subnet,” playing Pong on their Macs, or surfing Adult Friend Finder (“Work long hours under intense pressure. Looking for relationship that can take place in office parking lot.”)

And while I’m rambling (for a change…) can I get hooked up on Jack’s cell phone network? Never a dropped call even at 25 thousand feet! Jack should do one of those Cingular ads they’ve been doing during American Idol (what can I say – I’ve got the McPheever…). “I was just going to call the leader of the free world and ….the call was dropped! The result: Nuclear annihilation…and you can blame Verizon!”

Also, right as the plane is nearing the ground, the admiral gets with the program and, realizing that Jack isn’t going to crash into Camp David Palmer or anywhere else inhabited, suggests perhaps it would be imprudent to kill a bunch of innocent people for no reason. Showing that he is starting to come a bit unhinged, Logan demands that the plane be shot down. Or at least a dog be kicked. Or something, goddammit! Mike clearly believes Charles has gone around the bend at this point. Luckily, cooler heads prevail and the F-18 goes back to Point Mugu (obviously named after the beloved cartoon character and national hero, Mr. Mugu).

I loved it that after the plane is down, Jack goes back into the cabin yelling “Exit to the rear of the plane!” which the passengers are already doing quite promptly all by themselves. Is this Jack’s last attempt to endear himself to these people?

Of course, it’s to make sure no one is going through the same door that he goes through and soon he’s in the safe confines of “Curtis’s Rogue Agent Pickup” service (yes, that does work out to C.R.A.P. – that’s just my little happy accident of the night). [An accident involving crap? Ew. – J] And finally we do get to see some acting chops from our pal Roger Cross as he tells that Logan’s Lemmings Marine dude that if he wants to shoot down some federal agents you can be damned sure he is NOT going to get a Christmas Card from him. Shamed and distraught at the prospect, random Marine guy lets the target slip through the web. Which is all a good reminder that, even if you have a Bluetooth and a direct line to the President, your effectiveness is only as good as your human capital. It’s Meglomania 101, people. Dr. Graham Romano was obviously sleeping off a bender on that day.

So next up, we have the setup for the slimiest betrayal that we’ve seen in a while, with Karen confiding in Miles, even with his bad skin and all. If you had any illusions that Miles was going to end up being one of the bureaucratic jerks that actually ends up being alright in the end (a la Mason, Buchanan, that Hobbit guy whatever his name was…), well, prepare to have that expectation shattered.

And in our musical moment of this episode, I give you, to the tune of “My Boyfriend’s Back”:

Bierko’s back and there’s gonna be trouble, hey-la-day-la, Bierko’s back…
Wants to blast the city to rubble, hey-la-day-la, Bierko’s back.

Though they obviously saved several grand by not requiring Julian Sands to speak as Bierko this ep, he still made quite an impression with just a simple nod. It is a very sweet thing about 24 that all it takes is that nod to know that this will not be the last we see of our pal Bierko.

The episode essentially ends with two of the oddest and most interesting interludes perhaps in 24 history. You have Jack getting back with Audrey at the clinic and essentially signing her death warrant by bonding, being nice to her, and talking about how over it all is. OK, maybe she’s not totally dead yet but don’t these people remember the last time they thought everything was all worked out? It was only a few hours before for crissakes and in the intervening time Jack got a fist to the neck, Audrey’s dad drove off a cliff, and Audrey leaked more than the Bush White House, enough to nearly drain the 7 ounces of fluid in her little twiggy body. They don’t even knock on wood or anything when they say all of this “we did it” business!

There’s also this tinkling little music playing over this whole scene which will undoubtedly show up on the CD next year. Oh boy – can’t wait! Has anyone ever bought one of these theme music CDs from 24 before? Do they have anything interesting on them, like Kiefer singing “Rocket Man” or something? Chloe rapping “My Humps?” Couldn’t you just imagine that: “I’ma gonna get you drunk, get you drunk…what’s your problem stupid?” I’m just wondering…

So while Jack and Audrey are being tender, Logan has had been told by his pal Graham how the trial of a sitting president – while it would undoubtedly usurp O.J. for trial of the millennium by a long shot – would be uncomfortable in terms of national pride and all. So Logan pulls out the Presidential Revolver. I was curious whether there was a Presidential seal on that baby. I love how this next part is described on the Fox web site: “[Logan] knocks back a glass of scotch for liquid courage.” Never took Logan for a scotch man. Always thought he was more of a Pina Colada with a cute pink umbrella kind of guy. But obviously, we have been lead to believe many different things about Mr. Charles Logan.

Then in a couple of scenes we are prepped for Logan to do the unthinkable (that is, unless you are one of the approx. 27,492 terrorists/bad guys that have popped their own cork on this show over the past 5 years…) Martha blows him off, getting one last good toss off line for the road. What makes these scenes great is how the director takes his time with them. Logan wanders back to his den slowly and deliberately. After all of the frantic action, this change of pace really sets the tone for what we are thinking is just about to happen.

But dammit, isn’t it always the case that, as soon as you are about to do something important, the freaking phone rings? I’m surprised Chuck didn’t go ahead and shoot the damn phone. Anyway, in a nicely orchestrated reprieve, Miles “the Snake” Papazian, upgrades his standing in the game of politics and volunteers to essentially pull the gun out of the President’s mouth. (Euphemistically, of course.)

And to show that once in a while, someone can out-Chloe Chloe, the Snake does some magneto magic that apparently is going to screw the tape of Logan once and for all. And can we all cry out in unison at this point, and ask Jack, “why the hell didn’t you at least play the damn thing for Karen and Bill so that they heard it, so they knew what they were dealing with?” If this wasn’t one of those “scream at the TV and throw beer cans” moments, I don’t know what is. [Or, hey, how about dub a few copies instantly?? –J]

So we are one step closer to everything wrapping up, a bittersweet prospect for sure. This season has totally kicked butt and its wheat/chaff ratio has been the most favorable that I can remember. Last week was a little fluffy, but this week more than made up for it. And next week, which promises to see the return of our favorite stalwart Secret Service agent, not to mention Henderson stonewalling yet again, should be a pretty good kicker as well. And RoboChris’s ominous warning – “they can hurt you” – had me thinking Jack better be sure Audrey [or Kim? –J] is tucked inside his chest pocket for the next couple of hours if he wants any more snuggling with her in the future.