Season 5; Hour Twelve (6:00pm - 7:00pm)

Air Date: 6 Mar 06
Reviewer: D

Shazam and gadzooks, the sparks just continue to fly. I barely know where to begin with this epi what with all the knifing and torturing and gasping and emotional reeling going on. Even at some of the worst moments in seasons past – the bomb going off at CTU, the bioterror event at the hotel, planes and trains exploding – there hasn’t been anything that demonstrated in more starkly horrible terms the ghastliness of terror as the few safe CTUers watching helplessly as their coworkers tumbled and succumbed outside the situation room. That was just some evil shit, man. I almost feel like that scene gave me PTSD and I was sitting on the couch drinking hot chocolate.

I also must admit to feeling a little apologetic because I get to talk about the kick-ass second hour while J got the excellent – but still only spank-ass – first hour. Still, there are no losers when 24 is hitting on all cylinders like it has been these past several eps.

So, in one of those small things that probably just gives us 24-philes a stiffie, Hour 11 transitions into Hour 12 without hardly a hiccup in between. While we all go, “wow, that’s cool, they’ve never done that before,” it also has the effect for the public-at-large of making the show seem even more cinematic than it already is. And really, by the end of Monday night I had that nice fulfilled feeling I have after just being out to see a flick, and without the $25 smack on my wallet (admission for lovely wife and I plus popcorn) and the butter stains on the front of my shirt.

Boris Badguy shows us that the Russians have the same kind of magical image manipulation software that they have at CTU, putting his surly blonde head on top of Lynn McGill’s stumpy little body. He leaves the apartment of Skank McGill and boyfriend, leaving them physically brainless to match their intellectual brainlessness. And while we’re here, it’s worth at least mentioning the pretty massive gaffe 24 has made with this whole keycard subplot. Even my 5 year-old son would have been wondering how Lynn got back into 24 without it (if he knew what the hell a keycard was). The only thing that I can think is that McGill tapped into that elfin magic that Hobbitts have at their disposal. Or maybe it was that old movie theater trick of coming out a side door at the same time someone’s coming in. Or maybe once in a while the 24 writers have to screw up so as not to offend the almightly television gods. Who knows, but let’s just admit it and move on, shall we?

Next we are treated to those magic words that I’ve been longing to hear: “Kim Bauer is here.” I know I am pretty much alone in this sentiment. In fact, Entertainment Weekly had about the funniest line I’ve read to this effect (“The world is full of unnecessary objects: napkin rings, tea cozies, Jack Bauer's daughter, Kim. And yet that didn't stop 24's producers from asking Elisha Cuthbert to reprise her utterly useless role.”). Still, I stand by Kim (oh, if only I could stand by her…) because of several reasons: 1) I still say that without any family ties, Jack loses a key piece of his humanity and becomes one of those soulless revenge-driven superagent types that countless lousy movies have centered around, 2) despite the negative ink she’s gotten, Elisha Cuthbert has shown she can be a pretty good actress but after the first season 24 has never really known what to do with her, and 3) besides the vague MILF factor of the First Lady, the hotness of 24 is deeply depressed this season and any bolstering of this intangible, yet vital, aspect of the show should be welcomed. Hell, I was even happy to see JoBeth Williams briefly for this reason, though she doesn’t quite do for me what she did back in the “Big Chill” days (a long series of snaps on any woman’s garment will always be sexy as far as I’m concerned, thanks to JoBeth…).

So, anyway, Kim has arrived on site (also conveniently at the top of an hour) with her shrink/boyfriend in tow, who seems like just the pencil-necked, overly sensitive type that Kim would hook up with after having a rocky relationship with superagent dad and having a fling with superagent Chase crap out on her. One cosmetic note: did Elisha have a little acne situation going on with her chin or what? A girl’s certainly allowed a zit or two but I found it distracting.

Audrey breaks the news to Kim and, as the Fox website puts it, her reaction is “stoic.” I’d more succinctly say that she looked like she’d taken a quick trip to the “House of Wax.” Or like someone had just asked her a really complicated algebra problem. Any way you put it, she reacts little or not at all, we assume because shrink Barry has effectively scrubbed all spare emotions out of her. We can also assume that she’s pissed because that’s what kids get at their parents, whether it’s over gas money or faking your death to hide from a federal government that’s trying to snuff you out. Different stakes, same emotions.

Meanwhile, we finally have someone new on the scene at Camp David Palmer (tm, reader Bill), as the VP flies in presumably to deliver a backbone injection for President Logan. If you presumed this, you would be wrong since what he really wants is to implement a hair-brained scheme that circumvents the legitimate legal processes that keep our government solvent. It’s good to see that Logan has surrounded himself with advisors as idiotic as he is. A pre-emptive declaration of martial law sounds like a good idea, a good idea, that is, if you’re a looter and you want to get a head start on breaking windows, ripping off stores, and rolling old ladies.

Jack is bringing Henderson (aka RoboChris) in to get jacked up with some not-so-happy drugs. Luckily for JoBeth she must have been shipped to a real hospital because as we shall soon see, even more so than usual, CTU is a deathtrap. Henderson’s oblique “you don’t want to know what I know” is certainly intriguing. What do you think he’s alluding to? That fat-free food doesn’t make you lose weight? That penis enlargement drugs don’t work and that size really does matter? That love really does mean having to say you’re sorry? It’s so mysterious! Whatever it is, I believe his intimations that there is something deeply nefarious going on is the only thing that’s going to keep him alive. That is, if the Sentox doesn’t get to him first…

The scene between Jack and Kim was my favorite of the night and it didn’t even involve Kim flashing her underthings. It was that moment Barry interrupts the two Bauers and Jack looks at him with the most penetrating, vaporizing stare I think I’ve ever seen. I’m surprised they didn’t cut to a puddle spreading around Barry’s shoes; I think many a man would have lost all bladder control in the face of that stare. I also enjoyed Kim’s line that “there’s something wrong with people like you.” Well, duh, of course there is, babycakes. But again that’s a typical daughter/daddy dynamic isn’t it? In some families, a daughter bitches because Daddy walks around in his underwear or burps the alphabet after a couple of beers during March Madness. In the Bauer family, Kim bitches because her dad tends to put his life in mortal danger on a near daily basis. Is there really that much difference?

Later, there’s also that nice little scene between Chloe and Kim where Chloe reveals the hard-on she has for Jack by telling Kim to cut him some slack. It was a nice way to reinforce to Kim that Jack really was protecting her. It’s too bad that Chloe didn’t go the extra step and, in that classic Chloe tradition, say something like, “So Kim are you doing the nasty with your shrink? And hey, do you need some Clearisil for that chin thing you’ve got going on? Oh, and does it feel oogy that guys spend untold hours salivating over Internet tributes to you?”

As if there aren’t enough complications brewing, Tony is now determined to find out who made smithereens out of his beloved Michelle (though he doesn’t at all seem interested in finding the twisted nutjob who took all those pictures of his dead wife) and Buchanan – never one to be evasive when spilling details can complicate matters – gives Tony Henderson’s name. He could have told him about Bierko or Cummings or Nathanson or about a half-dozen others, but no, it’s Henderson he mentions. And who else would get rolled into the CTU clinic right in Tony’s neighborhood once things go all to hell? Why RoboChris of course. Let’s hope Tony has a little more restraint than the Russian sex slave and let’s Henderson spill the goods on what it is that is so mysterious that he knows before Tony rips his jugular out.

The goings on between Martha and Novick were nice in that they showed Martha cutting through the B.S.. I liked Marty’s reaction to Novick’s “the country’s in crisis.” Her little laugh/cry said it all – “country? Hey Mikie, my husband was going to let me die, do you think I give a rip about the country?” I don’t really know what to make of her subsequent sort of reconciliation with Logan (who she finds aimlessly staring off into space…what was he thinking, “it’s the earth that revolves around the sun, right? Or is it the other way around…?”) She doesn’t really try to sway him one way or another, just telling him that the country needs him. Is this supposed to be like spinach to Popeye? Will Logan suddenly become a real President thanks to Marty’s support? Guess we’ll see.

It’s becoming clear that the folks at Fox are following this site with devoted interest because, in response to my snarky comment about the character of Carrie (Cary? Kerry? C’kairy?) who was noted on the Fox website simply as “a techie,” the friendly folks at Fox have specified her as ‘Carrie Bendis’ (played as it turns out by the actress who was the stunt double for Trinity in the Matrix sequels). It’s a good thing we know who she is, just in time for her to take an unceremonious knife to the back. In the last Carrie / Edgar scene we see the kind of interplay that made Edgar a “beloved” fan “favorite,” Edgar snapping at Carrie but then looking after her as if he wants to apologize, never suspecting that he’s sending her TO HER DOOM! I quote the words “beloved” and “favorite” because as far as I’m concerned, the rotund one was kind of interesting and the Chloe/Edgar dynamic could be kind of fun but he was still second-tier all the way. The only reason he stood out is because he was among the few characters on the show that the writers bothered to develop a personality for (note that Kim is not included in this list).

The last 15 minutes of the show are all about CTU and the impending gassiness. Quick thought: wouldn’t the terrorists done best by setting off another canister at the same time as the CTU batch, so the CTUers couldn’t react at all, amidst running for their lives? Anyway, McGill finally decides to do what a smart guy – you know, like a government agent – would have done hours ago and tell someone that his keycard was swiped. Within minutes, Jack is on the trail of Boris Badguy who suddenly finds out that generally it’s harder to leave CTU alive than break into it. Jack, always with his wits about him, figures out that Boris is listening in on CTU radio chatter (ok, his real character name is Ostroff…I’ll use the Fox strategy and use it just before…), sneaks up behind him and eventually blasts him to that Chechen stronghold in the sky. It’s clear that an indoor air pollution problem is eminent, and Buchanan sends people running just as folks start falling.

And suddenly, wonderfully 24 becomes another show altogether as now the core CTU crew has to figure out how the hell they’re going to get out of their momentarily airtight enclosure. This is another brilliant move by the writers, setting up a mini-trauma inside the bigger one, allowing short-term tension and resolution while maintaining the greater threat from the terrorists. Elegantly constructed, so much so that I don’t have a snarky thing to say about it. I do wonder about this scattergun deployment of the canisters, though. It is starting to seem enough like my suggestion of a weekly canister deployment from several hours ago that I may have to pursue a copyright violation action, a la Dan Brown and “The Holy Blood…” lawsuit.

Some last questions to mull over while waiting for next week:

-- Did Edgar really deserve the silent clock tribute?

-- Where’s McGill? Did he make it to safety? Is he hiding under Henderson’s gurney? Have we seen the last of the Hobbitt?

-- Will Kim eventually kick the bucket, satisfying the bloodlust of the millions of Kim-haters out there? More importantly, is the only way to avert the current crisis for Kim to rip off her clothes in order to rig up makeshift gas masks?