The Unofficial 24 Page

Season 6; Hour Twenty-Four (5:00AM - 6:00AM)

2007-05-25T07:43:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 21 May 2007
Reviewer: J

So I hope everyone enjoyed our very special guest star this week, our former regular cast member, D. I thought it might be a nice way to wrap things up and bring some closure to this fun ride we’ve had here at The Unofficial 24 Page. You know, since our toiling away here hasn’t landed D or me a job writing for 24, it’s simply just time to pull the plug. Kidding, of course. Pretty much.

So D did a great job on Hour 23, as always, and I just have to say that maybe being interested in Nadia is hazardous to one’s health. Milo’s dead because of if, Doyle’s blind because of it, and Milo’s brother made eyes at her and then he simply vanished into thin air.

As we begin the episode, we see Josh and his captors arriving at the oil rig. You know, if I were Josh, why not just roll off that inflatable boat in the dark? How could they find you? Doing this when Jack was on the beach would have been particularly helpful, since Jack could have opened fire on the boat. But hey, he’s a Bauer offspring.

Speaking of offspring, was there any doubt as to what was wrong with Chloe? I mean, whenever a woman faints in a television show, doesn’t it automatically mean that she’s preggo? Not that women necessarily do this in real life, but it would be good if they did, right? It would make things so much easier.

“She fainted… holy moly, we’re having a baby!!”

But seriously, folks, was there every any doubt? I knew it the moment she started fuzzing out in Hour 23. But then, I’m an idiot savant. Without the savant.

At the White House, Tom Lennox conveys to the VP and others that CTU has determined that Phil Bauer and the component are on an oil rig off LA’s coastline. I’m not quite sure they can say this with certainty, given that all they know is that on a thermal scan from CTU, a boat was shown pulling up and there are other people on a decommissioned oil rig. I mean, this is conclusive? It is for Daniels, who agrees with the Warden from The Shawshank Redemption that an air strike is the cleanest way to take care of this. Less risk to the assault team and a guarantee that the component doesn’t make its way offshore. Or more offshore, as it were.

Lennox points out that Josh is an innocent boy and would probably be charred in the assault. Daniels, probably correctly, notes that this kind of sacrifice is probably worth it to avoid a military base being attacked by Russia and thus causing a war. A tough call, but Daniels seems to be finally realizing how hard this job is, witnessed by his open comments last hour about how he misjudged Palmer and how ultimate responsibility is so ultimately difficult.

Nadia relays this decision to Jack on the shoreline, as Doyle exits for the season in an ambulance. Bye, Doyle. Hope it’s not the same kind of space-time continuum ambulance that Logan disappeared through.

Anyway, Nadia tells Jack about the air strike and that she wants him and Buchanan back at CTU for an immediate debrief. And to perhaps fire Buchanan again? Jack says okay on the phone. But he’s lying. As always, he’ll do whatever he pleases.

Jack tells Bill the story and tells him he’s taking the chopper behind them to go get Josh within the 30-minute window they have. Bill, realizing he’s already lost his career, figures what the hell and tells Jack he’ll fly the chopper. He can fly choppers? Cool.

This is also a good time for me to mention that I was psyched to finally see Bill out in the field. I’ve been hoping this could happen for quite some time, simply because I thought it would be cool to see. Also, Bill’s background profile on the Fox Website says that he was originally a field agent in New York. Would it have been so hard to write in some dialogue wherein Jack asks him how long it’s been since he was in the field and Bill replies with something about how many years and how it was in New York? Really? I mean, come on, writers, these are cool little touches that used to make 24 unique.

Anyway, the two get into the chopper and Jack forces the pilot out at gunpoint. He obeys, wordlessly, probably because he’s used to this by now. Jack pulls guns on anyone who gets in his way.

The White House and the Kremlin, meanwhile, are playing nice for the time being. Suvarov has gotten intel that shows him that Daniels is telling the truth this time about the component’s whereabouts and how they plan to eliminate it. Daniels gives Suvarov a real-time satellite feed of the happenings so that Suvarov can see the situation unfold and, hopefully, call off his minions who are approaching a US base in central Asia. Hey, anyone think to call those guys at that base and tell them they’re about to be on the lousy end of a really poor ratio?

CTU learns of Bill and Jack’s Butch and Sundance routine and Nadia refers to it as a suicide mission. She quite rightly points out that the F-18s are on their way and will not be recalled and so all that Bill and Jack are doing is heading to their own deaths. Bill tells her what they’re doing is the right thing to do and she suddenly relents. At first I found this odd, but also remember how much she respects Bill and his soothing tones. She acquiesces to their demands and sends them the satellite feed so they can have at least a chance. After all, if she’s right and they’re about to be vaporized anyway, what harm is it to share a little intel?

On board the oil rig, Phillip and Josh are debating the value of going to China. Josh is still so not on board and I really can’t blame him. He’ll be the only vapid-eyed blonde teenager in a sea of people who look nothing like him. On the other hand, if Josh has a fetish for Asian porn or Asian women (or both), then maybe it is the place for him. Considering Josh is 16, Phillip would be wise to try this approach.

Cheng’s men alert the gang to the fact that the CTU chopper is approaching. So much for stealth, eh, Bill? Cheng, interestingly, gives the component back to Phillip and tells him and Josh to board an inflatable boat and move away from the rig. He tells them that the submarine on its way to get them all will find the locator beacon on the inflatable boat. I was intrigued that he gave the component back to Phil, perhaps knowing that it’s Phil’s ticket to safe passage to China so where would it be safer?

Jack and Bill descend upon the platform, with Jack mowing down Chinese gunmen with his machine gun fire in order to let Bill land. The two hop out and continue laying down fire, hitting some rather flammable barrels that the Chinese have chosen to take up cover near. One of the exploding barrels knocks down Cheng and burns his face. Jack confronts him about Josh’s location and, amazingly, chooses not to kill him. Could Jack be turning a corner here?

Bill lugs Cheng back to the chopper as Jack takes off looking for Josh. I was very worried this whole hour about Bill’s safety because, let’s face it, Bill is very likable and it would upset a lot of viewers if he were to be killed off. Which is precisely why I thought it might happen.

Elsewhere on the rig, Josh and his grandfather are still arguing as they make their way to the inflatable boat. I’m still not clear on why Phillip wants Josh to come along so badly. It’s hard to believe this sociopath actually loves his grandson but I guess that’s what we’re expected to believe. But to think that he can simply convince Josh to go along with things is a bit short-sighted for a man who has had the foresight to plan out so much today.

As they get to the moored boat, Phillip turns his back to Josh to work on the ropes and puts down his pistol. Josh, finally showing some sense, whacks Phillip on the head with a wrench and grabs the gun. Phillip looks like his melon really hurts as he tries to talk Josh into turning over the gun. Josh repeats that he doesn’t want to go with Phil, of course not realizing that staying on the rig will result in incineration by F-18 sidewinders.

Josh underlines his point of not wanting to go by shooting Phillip. Well, if I had to choose a Bauer to shoot another Bauer, this wasn’t the one I would have expected. Jack arrives on the scene and asks Josh to lower the weapon. Josh doesn’t seem to want to, and for a few seconds I feared Jack might actually have to put down his own nephew. Or son. Wink, wink.

Jack tells Josh the news about the F-18s and sends him up to the CTU chopper. I guess Jack is confident that all the Chinese gunmen were taken out, huh? Phillip says he’s not going anywhere and quite accurately points out that Jack doesn’t have the time to carry him to the chopper. Jack tells him he’s getting off easy and exits. A sad finish for Phillip Bauer.

Bill lifts off the helicopter with Cheng and Josh on board. Josh has another freakout as he thinks they’re leaving “Uncle Jack” behind. Bill, calmly, explains that he’s not leaving Jack and radios to Bauer that he’s swinging around with a rope ladder to pick him up. Jack complies and leaps onto the ladder and the chopper whisks them all away from the platform just as the F-18s detonate it. I’m sure glad those weren’t heat-seeking missles, too, or else we would have really seen Bill’s chopper piloting skills put to the test. Outrunning a heat-seeker in a chopper with the doors open and someone hanging from a ladder would be tricky.

Suvarov and his gang of merry gentlemen at the Kremlin see the destruction and agree to pull back their troops. He and Daniels seem to clear the air a bit by both being somewhat understanding about each other doing what they had to do.

Back at the coastline, Jack suddenly falls into the ocean from the rope ladder. Josh, AGAIN, has a bit of a meltdown but they see that Jack is okay and just wanted to go for a dip. Jack does some body-surfing and then, once on land, waves off Bill. Bill obliges because, what else is he going to do besides oblige Jack?

At the White House, the VP is accepting congrats from his cabinet members and Tom decides to be the wet blanket by saying the Chinese cannot go unpunished for their actions today. Daniels had just told the Secretary of Defense, I believe, to track the Chinese submarine as it bugs out back to China so that they know that the Americans are on to their tomfoolery. Speaking of tomfoolery, Tom suggests that perhaps Daniels should let Karen and Bill resign quietly so that there isn’t any hubbub about what went on and how Daniels and the administration made the wrong call with regard to trusting Phillip Bauer. Daniels thinks about it and agrees to let bygones be bygones. Sadly, Peter MacNicol does not say this in his John Cage voice.

Tom, having achieved what he wanted in this conversation, hands over the recording he made earlier in the day of Daniels and Lisa Miller conspiring to commit perjury. Daniels kind of smirks as Tom leaves the room, perhaps realizing that the decision he just made giving leniency to Karen Hayes and Bill Buchanan is what just bought him the recording back from Tom. Good work from Powers Boothe here, and I think throughout his time on the show as well. He didn’t always have a lot to work with but his mirthless smirks and eye-rolling looks of disdain were welcome, in my opinion. That kind of stuff made him more human and made him more like you and I. I kind of hope we see him back next year and with a continuation of the path he seems to be heading down wherein he respects the awe-inspiring responsibilities of the office even more.

Back at CTU, since this is the time to tie up whatever loose ends are going to be tied up this season, Morris checks in on Chloe in the CTU clinic where, miraculously, she’s not dead yet. Morris talks about how much he loves Chloe and doesn’t want to lose her and is hoping everything’s okay. Chloe gives him the news that he’s going to be a papa. Well, let’s just hope that’s the news and not that it’s going to be Milo’s baby or something like that. And let’s also hope the baby isn’t worked into the storyline next season, for the love of all that is holy.

At the White House, Tom visits Karen in her dank holding cell and reports that she’s free to go. Karen looks like she wants to hug Tom and he simply tells her she’s free to go as long as she is willing to resign quietly. She laughs that those terms are acceptable and thanks Tom earnestly, knowing he played a part in this. Quite a switch from their acrimonious relationship earlier in the day when Tom blackmailed her into quitting. More good work from Peter MacNicol as he says he might actually miss Karen but that he’ll only know once she’s gone. As far as we can tell, they don’t make out.

We swing back to CTU, where Bill has managed to not crash the CTU chopper and he orders Cheng sent to a detention facility. I guess old habits die hard as Bill really is in no position to be giving orders around CTU anymore. Cheng gets off a stinger, though, as he seethes, “My people will not abandon me like you abandoned Jack Bauer.” I loved the hatred in Bill’s normally calm eyes as he stares down Cheng before sending him away. I also kind of like the full-circle nature of this staredown. In the early minutes of Hour One, Bill and Cheng faced one another at the airport when Jack was being released to CTU’s custody. And now here we are, the same two men facing each other, both in very different situations.

And since I’m talking about that exchange 24 hours ago, did we ever fully figure out what the U.S. gave up for Jack? What the “high price” was that President Palmer paid for Jack? In the absence of any real information on this subject, I’m going to simply assume Wayne Palmer had a Mickey Mantle rookie baseball card that he traded for Jack.

And hey, while we’re on the subject of unanswered issues, what’s Lisa Miller’s status? How about Charles Logan’s? As D mentioned, what ever happened to Agent Johnson, the double-crosser from Denver? And how about Reed Pollock? Carson? Martha Logan? Aaron Pierce? Hell, what’s Wayne Palmer’s status? Is Sandra by his side or Walid’s? Was there a less useful character than Walid? Oh, yes, that’s right… Sandra. And where the hell are those pukes from Division who were sent over to replace Nadia and blame her for everything that went wrong, rather than, you know, the Chinese mercenaries, Phillip Bauer and his superhuman hacking skills (which are exemplary for a 60-something year old man; my father can barely figure out his cell phone), and the rogue agents whose names rhyme with Doocannon and Schmauer?

Who am I kidding? These things don’t get answered. Anyway, Nadia comes up to Bill and asks where Jack is. Bill tells her how Jack fell into the ocean and, for a minute, I thought he was going to say Jack died but he doesn’t. When Nadia asks incredulously why Bill didn’t pick him up, Bill replies, “Because he didn’t want me to.” And we all know Bill does exactly what Jack wants at all times. You’d think Nadia might have picked up on this by now. And this is all for Bill and Nadia for this season. Gosh, what’s left for the final twelve minutes?

We change scenes to a house that, according to the Fox Website, is James Heller’s Pacific Palisades home. Wow, it’s fortuitous that Heller has a place within eleven minutes on foot of where Jack walked onto the beach. I wonder if Heller saw the tremendous explosion of the oil rig offshore?

Heller himself is at the house on the phone with someone. At 5:48 in the morning. Well, maybe they’re on the East Coast. After hanging up the phone, Heller hears a noise and his spidey-sense pings. Doesn’t the former Secretary of Defense have Secret Service detail assigned to him?

Before he can ring for help, Jack moves into the room, gun at the ready. Silenced gun, I might add.

Heller reads the situation and immediately asks if Jack is there to kill him. Wow, that’s a leap. Did I miss something? My father was watching this episode with me and was convinced Heller was somehow involved and Jack had figured it out. I, of course, was hoping this was not the case. Jack’s answer to Heller’s question was classic: “That depends.”

Then we have a rather tense exchange, where Jack blames Heller and people like Heller for making him the person he is. Jack quite rightly points out that all he’s ever done is follow the wishes of people like him. Well, except when you disobey Presidential orders, Jack, but hey, I’m still with ya. Jack has sacrificed his entire life and family to this country and to his lifestyle and he basically doesn’t want to walk away empty-handed. He wants Audrey. And this is an interesting way to try to achieve that goal. I mean, will they ever go there for Christmas? (“Hey, Jim, remember when I held you at gunpoint over there on the sofa?”)

Heller, to his credit, remains pretty resolved to keep Jack out of Audrey’s life, even with a gun pointed at him. Jack for the first time appears to be angry at being left to rot in China and he wants to know why Heller didn’t do more to get him out, given the considerable power Heller had. Wait, did Jack even know Heller survived that car crash last season before he himself was kidnapped by the Chinese? I mean, I guess it doesn’t matter because Jack knows he’s alive now and could have helped him. Heller claims he did try to get Jack out of China, to which Jack bellows that he didn’t try hard enough. Good stuff from Kiefer here, some real acting and emotion and anger in his voice and face. I definitely wasn’t sure how this was going to turn out and that’s the mark of a good 24 scene. I thought there was a chance Audrey wouldn’t be there or he might actually shoot Heller or Heller might actually attack Jack or maybe there actually would be some security detail who might take down Jack in some way.

Jack goes on to accuse Heller of being upset at Audrey for going to look for Jack despite Heller’s protests. I’m not sure how Jack knows for sure that Heller protested but Heller doesn’t deny that he did so I guess Jack’s instinct is right (as always). Jack then accuses Heller of not understanding that kind of loyalty and caring for another person.

Jack goes on to demand his life back, by which I am not sure what he means. Does he want his driver’s license or something? He clarifies that Audrey is all he’s got and that he will take her away and disappear, commenting that he’s gotten pretty good at that. I’d point out that Jack has disappeared twice that we know of – one time, he was hiding 15 minutes from LA and came out of hiding and the other time he disappeared unwillingly, at the hands of the Chinese. But hey, I won’t make that point too loudly to the sociopath with the handgun.

Jack further states that he’ll kill anyone who comes after them, snarking, “Pretty good at that, too.” Heh.
Heller, again showing balls of steel, risks antagonizing Jack by pointing out that he can’t leave this lifestyle and that he’ll inevitably be pulled back into it again and if that happens Audrey will pay the price, just like Teri did. Nice throwback reference to many years ago. I thought, again, that Jack might simply shoot Heller, or at least crack him on the head, for that remark, but he doesn’t. Maybe Jack was slowly realizing Heller is right.

Regardless, Jack again demands to see Audrey. As the Fox summary says, “Heller leads him to the bedroom.” Uhhh, I hope they’re not going to do it.

Oh, phew, it’s Audrey’s bedroom. And she’s evidently comatose on some heavy meds in the makeshift hospice that is set up here. Heller actually leaves the room to give Jack time with her which, again, I thought might result in Jack letting his guard down enough for Heller to attack him.

But no, that doesn’t happen. Jack instead looks at the shell of a person that his pretty girlfriend has become and the gravity of it all hits him. Audrey is laying there, hooked up to a heart monitor, having a medicine drip of some kind, and recovering from god-knows-what kind of abuse in China. And it’s because of him, regardless of whether it’s his FAULT or not. And Jack comes to understand this. He says goodbye and kisses her on the forehead. Kim Raver makes yet another appearance where she does and says very, very little. Still, it’s impactful because we know the history of this character and we care about her.

Jack leaves the room and walks past Heller wordlessly. He exits the house and walks out to the fence in the backyard that overlooks a cliff and the ocean below. Jack surveys the scene and we see his perspective, looking at the rocky cliff below him and you can’t convince me even for a second that Jack didn’t think about ending it all and jumping right there. His face is marked with pain and sadness as he looks out into the distance, not really seeing anything. And for perhaps the first time ever on this show, the screen fades to black rather than simply cutting to black. We see the silent clock for the first time since Edgar’s death last year, and it soundlessly ticks off the seconds to 6:00 AM.

Stay tuned for my final thoughts in a post next week.

Season 6; Hour Twenty-Three (4:00AM - 5:00AM)

2007-05-24T07:58:00.000-04:00

[...with a "Special Guest Star," for this hour. Of course, Michelle Dessler was listed as a "Special Guest Star" for the first hour of Season Five and we all know how that turned out. -- J]

Air Date: 21 May 2007
Reviewer: D

OK, so I’m not William Devane, but I guess I’m the most special special guest that J could get at the last minute. Yes, it’s me – D – back to lend some additional snarkiness to 24’s penultimate hour and honored that J has given me the opportunity to ramble on again upon these virtual pages in a final swan-song kind of way. And while I don’t have Audrey tanked up on happy drugs in the next room, I did share a Black and Tan with my wife a couple of hours ago and she’s now mumbling “Bloomfield” on the couch next to me. At least I think it’s “Bloomfield;” it could be “Orlando Bloom” or “Bonehead Husband,” it’s hard to make out exactly.

Anyway, as some of you might have noticed via my very occasional comments posted on this here site, I’ve been one of those people who are less than enthralled with this day in 24-ville. For all of the hoopla about Jack being a changed man at the beginning of this season, I’ve thought there were really only a limited amount of new ideas mixed in with various nuggets from seasons past, tossed together in a not-always-appetizing slapdash salad of a plot. While we didn’t have anything that seems destined to be as iconicly stupid as the Kim-Cougar incident, we had plenty of other wacko things to shake our collective heads about. In fact, just for fun, here’s my quick list of the top three near-cougar-like absurdities from this season:

3. The General’s arm (and Russian appendages in general).

Did Grendenko (or Fayed, it wasn’t totally clear whose idea it was) really think he’d live more than a half-hour after getting his arm whacked off? And wouldn’t you pass out nearly immediately from the pain and shock? And by the way, did that Russian ambassador’s pinky magically stick back in place after Jack sliced it off?

2. Where’s Jack?

Why did Kiefer seem like a guest star during so much of this season? I think some weeks they were hard-pressed to find a scene of him to fit into the previouslies …

1. Logan in, Logan out, Logan: what was that all about?

Certainly the most egregious misstep of the season was bringing the Logan family (and new hanger-on Aaron!) back for a tantalizing reminder of how great last season was, only to unceremoniously drop them by the wayside after their very marginal usefulness was played out.

But hearing me grouse is not why you’re here, is it? You want a succinct, entertaining recap of hour 23, don’t you? Well, I hope you’ll be happy with sarcastic and sophomoric instead…

Mostly, I thought this hour was actually pretty good, though it was occasionally interrupted by reminders of how off-base this season was. For instance, right off in the previouslies, we have way too much background on the Karen-Bill situation, a reminder of how ludicrous it was for Karen to feel compelled to fire her head of CTU / love puppy RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT because “the press and the pundits” might eventually get a hold of some information buried in some blue file somewhere in the midst of a nuclear crisis. For perspective: remember how all of those heads fell WITHIN MINUTES of the moment when “the press and the pundits” got a hold of the fact that someone in the White House leaked Valerie Plame’s name and role to the press? Oh wait, that’s right: those minutes were more like three years…

We also get a reminder that the Russian president is itching to attack an American base in central Asia within two hours because apparently he’s got a time-released army of clones or something that will evaporate 2 hours after adding water. And we also get Jack yelling to Cheng that “it’s over” – a clear indication that the fun has just begun. Or at least for Joshie it has, as he seems destined to be a squinty-eyed bargaining chip in Philip Bauer’s game of circuit board pocket hockey.

But then we start the hour with the kind of interlude that I’ve always enjoyed on 24: a majestic helicopter flies through the air with strains of angel chorus music accompanying it. Shortly thereafter Ricky (as Doyle) does his best imitation of Kief so far this season in his little pep talk to Josh. Though frankly, if I was Joshie and someone was talking about “recovering” me like I was a mashed up piece of scrap metal, I’d be a little nervous. In CTU’s “Bedside manner for soon-to-be hostages” class they might encourage using words like “rescue” instead of “recover.” Just a suggestion.

Also, you don’t want to mention what happened to the last person they injected with a tracking device. It’s going to be hard to hug Uncle Jack with just one arm...

Speaking of Jack, as soon as our hero gets a chance he calls his girl-Friday Chloe who quickly fills in any plot holes we might have missed while we were snoozing through the previous episode. Then, in case we still haven’t had the outline of what’s going on hammered into our heads hard enough, it gets reiterated twice more as Daniels fills in Suvarov and Jack calls Karen. By the time Karen told it all to Bill (while he was entertaining an FBI contingent anxious for a look at his Karen-in-a-thong Polaroids), I almost passed out from redundancy poisoning. (Thoughts of Karen in a thong then nearly killed me outright…)

Now lets just pause here for a moment to consider a newly introduced absurdity. Just a few hours ago, Karen is so intent on keeping her job in the face of a specific DOJ threat that she’s willing to kick her own husband out of CTU. And yet now she’s willing to lose her job and potentially her freedom by helping Jack and his buddy Bill – CTU’s version of Butch and Sundance – carry out a vague non-plan that circumvents the Vice President in what I guess could be labeled (and prosecuted) as treason. There’s a nice chunk of inconsistency to chew on.

Eventually, we’re back at CTU and hot Nadia is wearing a nice, body-hugging black sweater. Has she been in that thing all season? [No, it was a no-nonsense, take-me-seriously suit until she bloodied it when battled Chinese mercenaries twice her size. –J] I don’t think so or I would’ve had to pause the Tivo more often to…um…shake hands with Mr. Willy during previous episodes. Another problem with this season: They give the hottest actress on the show not just one, but two, romantic interests and yet she doesn’t end up half-naked even once. I don’t see why she couldn’t have flown out to DC to work Bishop over for information instead of Lisa “Stiletto Nose” Miller; it wouldn’t have been any less plausible than anything else this season.

So of course uber-villain Phil Bauer has hacked into CTU’s system – oh, Phil, we barely got to know you enough to truly loathe you. And too bad, too, because you seem quite loatheable. Phil will eventually render CTU helpless to do anything but wait for Jack to save the day again. I guess CTU staffers will just have to sit around playing canasta for the rest of the day… Hey, I know, why not give some way-up-the-food-chain bureaucrat access to Jack’s whereabouts for no real reason. Great idea! That’ll keep ‘em busy.

Oh but wait, why not fill the space with a couple of inane interpersonal moments? Marilyn Bauer gets all Britney-on-a-bender hysterical, forcing hot Nadia to confront her and lie to her. Which is too bad because the truth would have sent Marilyn over the edge – “So you know that place where the man you really love just got back from, well, now your son’s going there as a hostage of your husband’s murderer.” When you write it out that way, it seems a little “extreme daytime soap opera”-esque, doesn’t it?

Truthfully, the site of two hot brunettes in each other’s face got me wondering if CTU has a mud-wrestling ring hidden off somewhere…

Then Morris and Chloe continue in their idiotic sniping at each other, which at least resulted in one of the best lines of the night, as Doyle essentially tells Morris that he liked him better as the snarky Brit genius he’s supposed to be rather than an earnest and supportive coworker. Nearly unseen in the background of this scene is a look from “anonymous blonde coworker” at Morris, as if to say, “Is this a government agency or a preschool playground?”

Bill shows up on the road and springs Jack from custody. Was anyone with more than a third-grade education surprised by this? We learn that Bill trained “Turner.” Is this important backstory to enhance our understanding of Bill and Turner and add tension and gravitas to this scene? No, it’s something some desperate lame-ass writer inserted because, well, why else isn’t a federal agent going to do what he’s supposed to do and blow away some strange man that runs him off the road?

Back at “As CTU Turns,” Milo’s brother, Stu, has showed up because, where else should he be at 4:30am? Stu tells hot Nadia that Milo loved her and she makes that constipated look she gives when she’s confused. Then he disappears. I was pretty near convinced that Stu would show up later, maybe exacting revenge on some CTU staffers in the name of Milo. Instead, Stu falls into the same discarded character bin already overflowing with the likes of the Logans, Wayne Palmer, Lisa “Pinocchio” Miller, that agent from Denver that double-timed Doyle, Berooz, etc., etc.

Hey, and it just occurred to me: where’d those guys go who were sent over from Division? Did I blink and miss the part where they were relevant / were sent away / broke into song / vanished like freeze-dried Russian army men? [I know, what the hell? – J]

Doyle gives Josh his word that he’ll get him back. Hmmm, didn’t Jack give his word that he’d destroy that circuit board thingie? I’m thinking that the next time a CTU agent gives me his word, I’m going to ask for him to inscribe it on an AK-47 or a brick of gold bullion first.

So, while much of the first 45 minutes of this hour continued in the rambling, shambling manner of much of this season, I enjoyed the last quarter-hour. I didn’t expect Doyle to get blasted in the way that he did and I’m already looking forward to Ricky done up with an eye-patch and looking all pirate-y next season. Walk the plank, matey! Arrrr….

And the scene between Daniels and Lennox was also good; it’s the kind of reflective, “true nature of leadership” conversation that I seem to remember happening more regularly during the David Palmer years. And it let Powers Boothe do something more than glower and intimidate and nuzzle Lisa “Don’t Point That At Me” Miller.

Near the end of the ep, we see that Cheng is not out of the picture yet. This is nice because in him, we’ve got a character that we’ve had plenty of time to build up a healthy loathing for. The only thing missing was a shot of him and Phil holding hands and making goo-goo eyes at each other. Now THAT would have been a true 24 shocker! A little derivative of Saddam and the Devil in “South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut” but still, it would have been a nice touch.

And I’m intruding into J’s coverage of next hour with this, but when the henchies delivered Josh to the platform, don’t you wish Phil Bauer would have said to the leading henchie guy, “That’ll do pig.” I’m sorry but James Cromwell will always be the farmer from “Babe” in my mind. I would have sprayed Black and Tan out my nose laughing if he had said that.

As this hour chugs to a close, Chloe starts to go all fuzzy and it’s apparently not because Stu Pressman slipped her a mickey when they shared that poignant embrace a half-hour ago. No, it’s because she hasn’t eaten in 24 hours, right? No, it’s because some of that Xanax or Xerox or whatever gas from last year is still encapsulated in some of the chairs, right? No, it’s because the polyjuice potion she took has worn off and she’ll soon return to her real shape, that of Tony Almeida, right?! (Sorry, mixing my pop culture references with that last one.) No, it’s not any of those. But I’ll let J fill you in on THAT startling revelation, just a few previouslies away…

Season 6; Hour Twenty-Two (3:00AM - 4:00AM)

2007-05-17T04:23:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 14 May 2007
Reviewer: J

It’s hard to believe we’re at this point in the season, isn’t it? I mean, it feels like we’ve headed down another season’s path for these past few episodes and that we’re just beginning to build the intrigue and suspense. Maybe that will simply lead to a cliffhanger ending. Or maybe it’s just been a weak season.

As you’ll recall from last time, CTU is has been overthrown by a group of sleeveless Asian gentlemen with pretty nasty machine gun pistols. They’ve come for Josh (instead of simply waiting for him and Marilyn to exit CTU on their own) so they can trade him off to Grandpa Bauer. Yeah, I know. Like I’ve been saying all season, just go with it. Oh, and Milo’s dead.

We begin by seeing Marilyn have a meltdown and, dammit, it’s annoying. Zhou agrees with me but, unlike me, he has the resources to make her caterwauling stop and he readies himself to blow her brains out, too. But Jack intervenes and promises he can keep her quiet. Oh, Jack, if you’re planning on making love to her on the floor there, you’re such a stud there’s no way she’ll be quiet. But no, Jack means he’ll kiss her cheek, stroke her hair, and gently rock her into calmness. Or maybe he means he’ll strangle her to shut her the hell up. Oh, no, he means he’ll be nice. Whatever. Boring. And annoying. If you’re worried about your kid, it’s probably best to not get yourself killed – it’s much harder to be a parent when you’re dead.

Zhou announces that he and the Zhouettes are leaving but that they have to put everyone in a secure room. That is, he wants them all locked up so they can’t follow him. Jack immediately hatches a hair-brained scheme to overpower the heavily armed Asian mafia currently inhabiting their place of business.

Jack sidles up to Nadia and tells her they need to make a move now and to follow his lead. I realize she’s the boss at this point, but why would you pick Nadia to help you with a physical attack? She’s what? Four feet, 93 pounds? If you listen closely, you also hear Jack say, “Morris, stay alert…”

And then it’s on… and it’s a cool fight scene. Jack grabs a guard and the fight is on. When another turns to see what’s going on, Nadia grabs him from behind, presumably with the intent to scratch his eyes out. Down the hall, Morris fortunately joins in and attacks a third guard before he can shoot Jack or Nadia. Glad that all fell into place nicely. There’s a lot of struggling and we see, alternately, Jack battling with a guard and then with Zhou; Nadia eventually being flipped to the ground by her man and having a struggle to keep him from shooting her in the face; and Morris waltzing with his man. Jack manages to strangle Zhou to death and just as it appears Nadia might lost to her combatant, her possible-boyfriend Doyle is on the scene and shoots the guy dead. In a strange (and poor) bit of editing, we don’t see Morris’ fight end. For a few minutes I thought we were going to learn in some dramatic reveal that his man had killed him but, no, it was just apparently left on the cutting room floor. Nicely done, 24.

What’s kind of amusingly ironic is that Jack, Nadia and Morris didn’t need to risk their lives at all since it turns out that Doyle and his team materialized at CTU just seconds after they would have been locked up anyway.

They immediately get to business and Jack and Doyle begin to regroup. Jack wants to head after Josh and, by extension, Cheng. Nadia, bleeding and out of breath, comments that Jack’s still under arrest. Good gracious, she’s tenacious! Bill would have simply forgotten he was under arrest at this point, but Nadia is impervious to Jack’s charm. Jack makes his case for helping Doyle look for Josh by pointing out that he (Jack) knows the CTU building better than anybody. Really? By my count, Jack has spent part of three days in this building over the past 44 months (last 20 months in China; previous 18 months on the lam from the Chinese; previous six months before that working for DoD). But it’s good enough for Nadia, who like an exhausted parent finally gets tired of telling Jack no.

Doyle asks Nadia how many casualties they took. “One,” she replies, “Milo Pressman.”

And, what, a half-dozen security guards, at least, right? Or do they not count as casualties? Maybe they’re not even invited to company picnics. Or maybe Nadia was going to count them in some sort of itemized order, like:

“One, Milo Pressman.”
“Two, Guard Peter Smith.”
“Three, Guard John Jones.”

No? Probably not? Yeah, you’re right.

Jack tells Nadia she did great and Chloe, too, comes by to tell her how brave what she did was. How about mentioning that to your PTSD ex-husband, Chloe?

At warehouse where Cheng is, Josh is given a cell phone and told his grandfather is on the line. Josh takes the phone with a constipated look on his face and says… “Grandpa?” Which is just hilarious to me, that this guy has had a gun on Josh several times and made several very real-sounding threats about killing him and yet Josh still calls him “Grandpa.” It’s classic. I think I might instead say, “What?” Or “Yes, Douchebag?”

Anyway, Phil Bauer wants to take Josh away from this fallout-ridden country and take him somewhere that they’ll have a real future together. And where is that place? The Bahamas? Brazil? Switzerland? No. China. The hell?

Josh pretty much agrees with me, as his face is kind of scrunched up like he’s trying to do long division in his head. Phil talks about how their future will be better in China, and blahbiddy blah blah. Phil ends by saying he’ll “explain everything” when they’re together. Everything? Like, starting from where? Because I wouldn’t mind being there to hear all this and how Phillip Bauer is seemingly connected to everything and everyone.

Josh looks at Cheng’s phone after his grandpa hangs up. Cheng notices this and hurries over to snatch the phone back and hustle Josh into a car. Josh tries to protest by saying he doesn’t want to be with his grandfather. As though Cheng gives a flying fuck.

Fortunately, Jack and Doyle are quick followers and they pop up through the same sewer access that Cheng’s men used and they open fire on Cheng’s Mercedes motorcade. This upsets the Chinese, who just had the cars detailed, and they stop driving and get out to return fire instead of, you know, driving away. Excellent idea. Cheng uses Josh as a human shield to get away, which is kind of odd since Josh is his one chance at this “sub-circuit board” that Phillip is fixing.

Anyway, the chase goes to the roof – where all villains inexplicably head – and Josh is able to break free from Cheng by giving him a swift kick to the chops. Jack takes down Cheng’s last bodyguard and comes up on the roof, pinning an out-of-bullets Cheng down on the catwalk. On the catwalk. He shakes his little tush on the catwalk. (Sorry, I got lost in song there for a minute.)

Amazingly, Jack resists the urge to put fifteen holes in Cheng. Perhaps he’s not sure where to begin – for what was done to himself or to Audrey. But just to prove he’s a Bauer offspring, Josh manages to slip from his hiding place just under the catwalk and is hanging on to a chain for his life. Jack has to choose to take down Cheng or save Josh. He chooses the latter, although I would have suggested simply shooting Cheng in the thigh and then saving Josh.

Josh relays Grandpa Bauer’s involvement and Doyle wonders what he could possibly have to do with the Chinese. You and me both, buddy.

In Washington, Karen and the VP have a heart-to-heart. My, how things have changed from a few hours ago when the VP was trying to overthrow the government. I bet he wishes Palmer was still awake to deal with this mess with the Russians.

Anyway, Daniels lets Karen in on his secret about Lisa. Karen is a little surprised, too, but points out that they were consenting adults and he had no way of knowing she was inadvertently spying. Daniels, in his newfound standup-ness, still is feeling responsible for the fact that his need to nail a young blonde might be bringing us to war with Russia. I guess his job is a bit more perilous. It’s unlikely that if there was a blonde in my office that I wanted to nail, that it could lead to an international incident.

At 3:28 AM (6:28 in DC) we cut to the surveillance van where Tom and Agent Hollister have been watching Lisa and Bishop get it on. There’s no discernable evidence that Lennox and Hollister have spent any of the half-hour since we’ve seen them making out. The funniest part of this episode is delivered by Tom, again, as he very demonstratively says, “Annnnd we’re finished,” as he sees Bishop roll off of Lisa. I laughed out loud at that. Good stuff from Peter MacNichol.

And then everything happens kind of fast, unlike Bishop’s lovemaking. Lisa heads into the pooper to clean the Bishop off of her. Bishop finally makes for her PDA and Tom gets an erection all over again. Only Bishop suddenly wises up to what might be going on and he doesn’t upload the info. Alert guy, for it being 6:30 in the morning and his having just plowed Lisa for the second time in three hours.

He confronts Lisa – or begins to – as they sip white wine from red wine glasses. Heathens. But before he can get very far, Lisa smashes the glass over his head, stunning him. I assumed it was because, as I mentioned, Bishop poured her white wine in a goblet but it apparently has more to do with the fact that she’s PISSED that Bishop has been nailing her just to spy and gather intel. She continues hitting him until he slaps her back and grabs her by the throat. The surveillance van disgorges Secret Service and Tom Lennox and they quickly enter the house, pulling Bishop off of Lisa, who is now unconscious. Wow, that was fast for her to lose consciousness. I guess Bishop was going to…kill her? Seems like that could blow his cover.

Anyway, Tom asks for a minute alone with Bishop. I think I might have asked him to be cuffed for that minute. Anyway, Tom introduces himself. To a lobbyist. I’m fairly certain a DC lobbyist would know the Chief of Staff immediately. Tom very effectively gets down to business, telling Bishop he has to upload the phony info to his Russian contact and comply with every request, or else he’ll be facing the death penalty for treason. I’m trying to imagine Andy Card doing this.

Cheng, on the run, has managed once again to elude CTU. Somehow he’s gotten down from the roof to the ground in 15 minutes and is not currently being tackled by a phalanx of CTU agents. Nice perimeter.

Anyway, Cheng has gotten Phillip on the blower and tells him he lost Josh, and then he’s gobsmacked when Phillip in turn declines to turn the component over to him. Why is Cheng surprised here? He knows how critical Josh was to this trade – he just send in an armed unit of commandos to attack a government agency. Nevertheless, Cheng is miffed and makes some vague threats at Phillip, who in turn threatens Cheng right back not to threaten him. God, it’s dizzying.

Back at CTU, Division has finally managed to send someone over to relieve Nadia of her command. How thoughtful. The head jerkwad’s name is Ben Kram. He’s just about the very definition of smarmy as he confronts Nadia and doesn’t even ask how she’s doing. We get it, writers: Kram’s an asshole. He further illustrates this by flatly blaming Nadia’s poor leadership for the loss of life during the raid on CTU. The raid on the supposed secure government facility. Yes, that’s clearly her fault. Imbecile.

Morris witnesses this and heads over to console a clearly rattled Nadia. She is obviously blaming herself for Milo’s death since she didn’t stand up when Zhou asked who was in charge. Well, that says more about her common sense than her lack of courage. And about Milo’s stupidity. But that’s neither here nor there, I guess. I agree that I’d feel quite responsible, too. Morris gives her a good bucking up speech and it’s a nice moment between these two. Especially after their rather frosty exchange two hours ago when Nadia first took over and denied Morris’ transfer request. Morris really is a good guy and I like him. I know a lot of people are mixed on him but he redeems himself more than he digs a hole. Not a lot more, but just enough.

Morris also uses the old “He would have wanted…” line to Nadia about Milo, saying that Milo would have wanted her to stay “strong and in charge.” Well, yeah, either that or “naked and beautiful.”

Lennox has informed the VP and Karen that the info was successfully planted with the Russians. He also matter-of-factly tells Daniels that Lisa may have suffered some brain damage when Bishop nearly choked the life out of her. Daniels is clearly distraught at this and begins to thunder at Tom about letting it happen. Tom tells the truth that they moved as quick as they could but that it happened really fast. He tactfully restrains himself from pointing out that Lisa had just screwed another man for the second time that night. Although I think that might have done a little bit to ease Daniels’ concerns by reminding him of what a little tramp she was. Not that tramps don’t deserve to breathe.

A couple minutes later, Daniels and Karen are on the teleconference with Suvarov again. Daniels tells the Russian Prez that the component has been destroyed in a raid on the Chinese agents who held it. Suvarov, probably an excellent poker player, calls this bluff convincingly and is positive he’s correct since he knows the stuff from Lisa’s PDA was fake. He was having Bishop watched himself! Oh, what tangled webs we weave! I guess nobody bothered to check the street for a van with Russian license plates, eh? And weren’t all the Russians in LA killed back at the consulate?

Suvarov is more than a little pissed at this attempt at deception by the Americans and he gives Daniels a suspicious two-hour window to recover the component. If this is not met, the Russians will attack the American base in Central Asia. Daniels has had about enough threats and attempts to make his own but is cut off by the Russian President who then disappears from the screen in a fuzzy haze. Shit, he’s like the Wizard of Oz.

Daniels is pissed that now Lisa may be a drooling vegetable and all for nothing. I’d be more pissed that the damn Russians are threatening to attack a US military base. In fact, I think that might be my very next call – to that base, to say, hey, how are things and oh, by the way, heads-up.

Lennox soon returns to the White House and is walking through the hallway on his way to a military briefing when his cell phone rings and an operator tells him she has “Phmmhmm Bmmhmm” on the phone for him. And that’s exactly what it sounded like. You can clearly hear, “I have” and “on the phone for you.” But the name is obscured. It must have sounded like Phmmhmm Bmmhmm to Tom, too, because he very demonstratively says, “Who?” And then he’s told again: Phmmhmm Bmmhmm, dude. It’s Phmmhmm Bmmhmm!

Phmmhmm Bmmhmm, of course, turns out to be Phillip Bauer. He wants to talk to Daniels and offer the component up. In return for what? Yeah, you guessed it: Josh. Man, I guess he really loves that kid.

Daniels then confers with Karen and Tom and is again really appearing to seek opinions. This is a nice shift in policy for the man who previously ignored everything his top advisors said and did whatever he pleased. Just a few hours ago, in fact.

Tom and Karen hypothesize that Suvarov isn’t this aggressive a leader and isn’t interested in this kind of conflict. Especially since he gave in earlier in the day and gave the green light to take out his non-cooperative Consulate. They figure maybe Suvarov is getting pressure from generals in his military that, like Gredenko before them, were borne to the old Soviet regime and simply want to fry Americans at any cost. Hey, get in line, Russkys.

Tom reasons that, despite the fact that Phillip is a nutjob, they probably should make this deal. Sure, Josh is a young kid but if this saves many other Americans and the country in general from a war with Russia, that’s probably a reasonable price to pay. And I would agree. Though I imagine Josh, Marilyn and Jack won’t.

Offscreen Daniels gives the quick order to make the deal and it is relayed to CTU. They then get to Doyle (again, all this is offscreen) with the news. Back at the site where Jack rescued Josh, Jack is telling Josh he’s going to be safe and back with his mom soon. Just then, an agent calls out to Jack that he has a phone call. Wait, haven’t we seen this before? Apparently, Jack has not learned that those random phone calls with a minute to go until the end of an hour are never good. And in this case, it’s a complete dupe, since as soon as he’s away from Josh, Doyle whisks him to a waiting helicopter. Uh-oh! It’s a double-cross! I’ll say this for CTU – at least they’ve finally figured out that to do anything you want that’s against Jack’s wishes, you simply need to trick him and then run like hell. Doyle tells Jack he’s got his orders and takes Josh away in a helicopter, while Josh is screaming “Uncle Jack!” the whole time. This kid and the formalities… “Uncle Jack,” “Grandpa.”

And we leave this second to last week of the sixth season of 24 with that ending. Josh being sent off as a trade for the component. And Jack probably not too happy about it. But instead of punches Doyle the next time he sees them, I’m sure the two will be friends again.

Next week is the two-hour finale. And once again, Fox has shown the complete opposite of wisdom by starting the finale at 8 PM instead of 9 PM. So for those of you who miss the first hour, don’t worry – I’ll be here to clear things up.

Unofficial 24 Page Programming Announcement

2007-05-11T07:36:00.000-04:00

If you're a loyal reader, then you know that I've been writing these (hopefully unique) reviews for about five years now. When I began doing it, starting with Season Two, I was simply hoping to continue to polish my writing skills and to share my thoughts and whimsy about what I felt was the best show on television. I wasn't sure how things were going to go at first and I found myself analyzing episodes in painstaking detail, pointing out nerdy things I would notice and trying to figure out how things fit into the overall plot and development of the show and/or the characters. Then the reviews kind of began to evolve to where they ended up -- wise-ass ramblings on a guilty pleasure kind of TV show.

For Season Three, D came on board and instantly made things better around here. He took some of the pressure off of me to come up with insight and wit every week and he only further improved the situation by taking on 50% of the reviewing for Seasons Four and Five. There's absolutely no way that the reviews here would have been nearly as good (or as possible) without his dedication and brilliant writing (paid only in compliments from you). I know many, if not all, of you agree with this assessment but I just wanted to say it again here.

I began Season Six all lone wolf again, which made me more like Jack Bauer than I had been in several years. And while I do still enjoy the writing and the show, I feel like maybe the usefulness of this site has run its course. I can't help but feel I don't have as much funny left in me or as much insight as I used to. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that the writing staff for the actual show is lacking insight as well. Hard to be sure.

Over the course of these past five years, by my rough count I've written 86 reviews of this show, with another three to come to finish out this season. That rounds out to (very roughly) a quarter of a million words written about 24 by me. That's a lot. And I think I've used almost all of the words available to me. Except for "ukulele." And now I've used that one.

The point of my latest ramble is that I think The Unofficial 24 Page is going to be put to rest at the conclusion of Season Six. New programming, in all likelihood, will not be produced here.

I just think that, while I still enjoy 24 every week, it's not nearly as gripping as it once was. Maybe it's because of the writing laziness, as many of us claim, or maybe it's got more to do with the fact that this kind of format and urgency can only be maintained for so long, no matter how hard you try. Regardless, I do believe I'm done after this season.

I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate the feedback I've gotten from readers. The mere fact that people read this site (as well as the old one) is amazing to me and indescribably flattering. I am so glad that I was able to entertain a select group of people who were willing to wade through the wordiness and lengthy babble of a writer who operates without an editor. So thank you, thank you, thank you. You're the best.

If for some reason you want to continue reading what I write down, I'll be glad to send you my high school term papers. No, just kidding. In reality, I write for two other blogsites: My personal one, known as the NotTheRock Musings, as well as a sports wise-ass site called Boiled Sports. I've also been known to show up on sites like Ranger Fan Central or Four Magazine. My personal blog should always be able to keep you up to date on that sort of thing.

However, this is not goodbye. This is merely to let you know that you should enjoy the final three reviews in a very extra-special way -- kind of like the way we all enjoy Kim Bauer in her underwear. Only I don't want you looking at me that way. So maybe that's a bad metaphor.

I've got it! Enjoy these swan song reviews the way that Jack enjoys smack. Yeah, that's it.

Thanks again for reading,
J

Season 6; Hour Twenty-One (2:00AM - 3:00AM)

2007-05-09T07:39:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 7 May 2007
Reviewer: J

The previouslies remind us of how awesome it was to have James Heller back for five minutes and give us some odd freeze-frame intros. Josh Bauer, for one, is the first one shown. Wait, what? Who the hell cares about Josh Bauer? I guess we’re supposed to. We also see Lisa Miller in her own freeze-frame for the first time. Let’s get rolling. Only four hours left.

We pick up right back in the holding room, with Jack still looking rather shaken at his short exchange with Heller. Good work from Kiefer here, looking zoned out as he tries to sort out in his head what his life has become and where he goes from here. Besides maybe prison for disobeying a Presidential order.

Nadia comes in to tell Jack that Heller has taken leave of the premises with his daughter in tow and that he’s filing a restraining order against Jack. Way to rub the salt in there, Nadia.

Apropos of nothing, Nadia decides to tell Jack what’s going on. Sure, she’s only the acting director of CTU; I’m sure she’s got nothing else to do but brief suspects who are under arrest in a holding room. When Jack learns there’s a raid planned on Cheng’s suspected hideout, he wants to play, too, but Nadia flatly refuses. She reminds him he’s still under arrest, which strikes me as kind of funny since, yeah, this show sort of ignores that sort of detail most of the time. Buchanan would have folded by now and had Jack leading the team. Don’t believe me? See “Consulate, Russian” in your textbooks.

Jack goes into his whole word-giving routine and tells Nadia that he gave Wayne Palmer his Word that nothing would go wrong and he wants to set it right. Well, I think that ship has sailed, Jack. In fact, it sailed over the mountains in a black Hummer. Nadia again refuses and I really can’t blame her. Her new crush, Doyle, can handle the raid. Jack casts a wary and very conspicuous eye on the two CTU guards in the room with them and it’s so obvious even Nadia picks up on it. She warns him not to even try it or she’ll have him put in restraints. Will she do it personally? Because if Jack is overpowering the two men in the room, that ought to be amusing to see 4-foot Nadia pinning Jack down and cuffing him. It’s also interesting to me that Jack’s FIRST thought when he doesn’t get his way is to psychopathically mow down anyone in his way.

Jack, chastened, sits down and says maybe he can help from there. From that very table? No, probably not so much, Jack. Oh, he means he can “run tactical,” that nebulous term that often was affixed to Tony or Michelle. I guess it kind of means making the calls from CTU from a tactical point of view when there’s a raid going on. Isn’t that sort of like being in charge of CTU? So Jack is offering to do Nadia’s job… interesting approach, Jack. Nadia repeats what we heard last hour and the hour before, which is that a new acting director will be heading over from Division as soon as they can A) wake someone up, and B) unpry their hands from the nearest stationary object since you just know nobody wants to be sent over to CTU from Division because of the certain death it leads to. (I’m personally hoping to see Brad Hammond.)

Nadia heads over to the staging area where Doyle’s men are buckling their belts and whatnot getting ready to head out for the raid on the Bloomfield Copper Facility & Chinese Hideaway Plant. She gives a little motivational speech telling them what their mission is, should they choose to accept it. What amuses me is that I think Marisol Nichols screwed up a line or else it was just really poorly written. She begins with “Your objective is the Bloomfield Copper Plant…” Wait, what? Their OBJECTIVE is the plant? That doesn’t make sense. I even looked up “objective” and it’s got several definitions that almost make it work but it just sounded clumsy. I assume she meant their objective is to successfully raid the plant. Their objective is some activity, not a building – do you see what I’m saying? I know, I know, why am I spending time on this?

Anyway, after Nadia rallies the troops with confusing dialogue, Doyle tells her that she’s doing a good job and that she’s got a hot ass in that suit. Okay, he only says the first part. Nadia tells him to “be careful,” as though they’re dating or something. This isn’t lost on Doyle, who accepts the kind words but looks piqued. It’s also not lost on Milo, who happens to be lurking nearby and can see tender moments from 25 yards away. You know, Milo’s becoming quite a bit of a stalker.

Meanwhile, Cheng is putting together a motley crew of Chinese thugs in preparation for a raid of their own. Hmmm, do they know Doyle is coming with CTU men? What could it be that Cheng wants to attack? The Russian Consulate?

At the same time, we see Josh and Marilyn again for the first time in hours. Josh is still watching the news and is making mumblings about wishing he wasn’t ever born into his “sick family.” Well, nobody can argue that point, Josh, although Marilyn tries. She also tries to convince Josh to get some sleep and we see Josh lie down on a leather couch with those hard, angular arms that really don’t serve well as pillows.

Chloe has now come to the room to have Marilyn review her statement for accuracy. Why? Do CTU transcribers sometimes add in saucy paragraphs out of boredom? While Marilyn’s looking over the statement, Chloe awkwardly tells her that she knows she and Jack are close and then she tells Marilyn about Audrey still being alive. What this has to do with the price of rice in China, I do not know.

At the White House, Lisa Miller has made her phone call to Fatty Bishop, he lover, and told him she’s coming over again for some more lovin’. She expresses hesitation at being with Bishop knowing what she now knows. Daniels isn’t sympathetic since she’s been basically doing it to him for the past year. Lying, that is.

Marilyn rushes into Jack’s holding room (those CTU guards at the door really are worth their salaries, aren’t they?) and apologizes to him about Audrey. Again…why? What does this have to do with anything? Jack says as much and is clearly a little awkward since we all know he boned Marilyn at some point in the past, too. Marilyn keeps going on about things until Jack tells her he really doesn’t want to talk about it. She finally gets the point but also asks if she can bring Josh by to talk to Jack. Jack says that’d be fine. He is likely Josh’s father, after all. Only he doesn’t say that.

We swing back to Cheng and his main man, Zhou, and they continue to speak vaguely about their target and about “obtaining the package.” Whatever, guys. It was about at this point that I begin to be sure it was going to be CTU they were attacking. I mean, Jack wasn’t allowed out on the mission with Doyle so SOMETHING had to hit the fan while he was in CTU. Last year, he was there for what, an hour, when the nerve gas was let go.

At the copper plant, Doyle finds evidence of heavy artillery and radios this to Nadia who wonders what Cheng would possibly want to attack in LA….

…just as Zhou and his men get to the sewer grate beneath…dum dum DUMMMMMM… CTU!

Upstairs, Chloe and Morris are continuing to work together – Morris is doing a good job of remaining professional. Chloe? Not so much. There’s some more meaningless back-and-forth about WHY he broke up with her. Oh, god, kill them already Cheng.

In Georgetown, Lisa Miller is being prepped by what appears to be one lone Secret Service agent and…Tom Lennox. Really? Tom’s dutes, as Chief of Staff, include espionage and sitting in a surveillance van on K street? I don’t remember Leo McGarry ever doing that.

Lennox isn’t all that sympathetic when Lisa comments on being scared. I kind of love him for telling her to “get a grip” and head in there, lest she wants to face treason charges. Which, not so much, really. I mean, can you really be charged with treason if you didn’t knowingly reveal state secrets? I guess it’s the “knowingly” part that can get sticky.

And then, the funniest part of this spy versus spy routine happens. A car pulls up and Lisa gets in. The car then drives about 50 feet and she gets out in front of the brownstone that Bishop is waiting for her at (hers? his? Who knows?). I sure hope Bishop wasn’t looking out his window as the two men in suits prepped his girlfriend with a camera-bag next to a van.

Lisa heads into the hours and Lennox relays this to Daniels. So the Vice-President and the Chief of Staff are running tactical on this, eh? What if it all goes to shit? Do they have anyone at the ready to raid Bishop’s place or would Tom grab a pistol and do that, too?

Daniels does realize that pickier viewers such as myself will be wondering why Tom is doing all this and so he thanks Tom for it and acknowledges it’s outside of Tom’s job description. Yes, so is lying to foreign ambassadors but you had him do that, too.

Lisa tries to leave the room so Bishop can access her PDA but he’s more interested in accessing her panties. She tries again, saying she feels grubby, but Bishop points out she showered just an hour or so ago. First time I’ve seen someone make a salient point like that on this show. But really, Lisa… just tell him you have to pee. I know my future wife likes to use that one right when we’re ready to jump in the sack. Really lights my pilot light. By the time she gets back, I’m usually into Sportscenter.

So anyway, Bishop lays her down on the bed and removes her top for the second time in an hour. Yes, yes, Bishop, we get it – you’re a stud and can go more than once in an evening.

Tom watches from the van and is able to see the proceedings because of the concealed camera they planted in Lisa’s bag. Tom begins to feverishly masturbate. No, just kidding. (Though if they start talking about interment camps, I wouldn’t bet against it.)

Back underneath CTU, Zhou has accessed some panel or another and it somehow, magically, allows Cheng’s A/V guy to have access to CTU’s security system. Whatever. That makes even less sense than usual since all we saw Zhou’s men do was blow up an over head sewer grate. That would be a secret place for CTU security access, though, wouldn’t it?

Above them on the CTU floor, Nadia tells Milo she knows he was unhappy when she was talking to Doyle. Was she undressing Doyle with her eyes? If not, then Milo needs to stop being such a bitch since, you know, part of Nadia’s job entails talking to Doyle. Milo tries to be magnanimous, even though it’s totally forced and fake, and tells her if there’s something going on with her and Doyle it’s okay. Wait, WHAT?? We’re making that leap here that “something’s going on,” when those two were ready to claw each other’s eyes out…what, last HOUR? This is idiotic.

However, it’s not so idiotic apparently, because Nadia acknowledges she doesn’t know what she feels and needs time to “sort it out.” Ohhhhh, boy. When a woman gives you the “I need to sort my feelings out” routine, it’s never good. We’ve all been THERE, haven’t we boys? No? Just me? Oh, ahem… anyway, moving on.

While this heart-to-heart is going on, Chloe has been able to backtrack the satellite footage and sees Cheng’s men escaping the copper plant in cars. Okay, we knew that already, but what we didn’t know (or, CTU didn’t know) was that those cars then headed to another address… just six blocks from CTU. This flummoxes Chloe but before they can think on this, Nadia realizes she can’t get through on the comm link to Doyle. Milo tries to get an outside line but forgets to dial 9 first. Actually, Cheng’s A/V guy has taken command of, apparently, all things communicative in the CTU-osphere, including security cameras. This is not good.

Nadia tells everyone their in a code red lockdown, yet nothing seems to change. Then they hear gunfire and she tells them to run to their assigned safe rooms. “Assigned” safe rooms? I think I might just fucking run, period, regardless of my assignment.

However, nobody is able to run more than three inches as Zhou and his men descend upon the middle of CTU. At Jack’s holding room, he hears the gunfire and is begging the guard assigned to his room to let him out. The guard is desperately trying to check in with what I assume must be the security command center, which is probably the first thing Zhou’s men took out. The guard opens Jack’s holding door and seems to be figuring that it might be good to be armed with no only his Glock but also a field agent. Before he can make his official decision, the guard is shot dead by a henchie of Zhou’s. Fortuitously for Jack, the door is still open and Jack loots nameless guard of his piece and takes down the henchman.

Making his way through the halls of CTU, Jack takes out another henchman and takes his assault rifle. Well, hell, Jack should have this under control in a few seconds then. He can take down terrorist cells with one 9 MM clip and his bare hands so with an assault rifle I imagine he could invade Poland.

Jack heads to where Marilyn and Josh are being held but Zhou’s men get there first. They’re clearly there for Josh, which startles Marilyn even more but before anything can happen Jack arrives on the scene and kills the two men. Marilyn tells him they were there for Josh which also throws Jack a bit. He even asks for confirmation, perhaps wondering if they were there for him and just mistaked one Bauer for another.

Down on the CTU floor, Zhou asks who is in charge. No one answers and Zhou asks again. Right as Nadia is about to stand up, Milo pipes up that he’s the acting director of CTU. Zhou tells him to come forward and Milo does so as Nadia looks at him with her puppy dog eyes. Wow, I know you want to wear her panties on your head Milo, but this is above and beyond the call of duty.

It turns out to be a bad decision by Milo as Zhou quickly raises his gun and blows Milo’s head off. Zowie! Didn’t see that coming, I will admit. However, on the plus side, Nadia’s decision on whom to date just got a whole lot less complicated.

Jack jams open a ventilation fan and has Josh climb in to get away. Just after he does, though, Zhou’s men come in and capture the bulletless Jack and Marilyn. They’re brought down to the floor, where Marilyn sees that Milo has taken a second bullet for the day, this one in a far less fleshy place than the first. We also see that Nadia is holding Milo’s hand as he lays there dead. This is kind of…eerie. And sad.

Zhou’s man tells him that Doyle keeps calling in and says they really ought to answer or he’ll catch on. Zhou looks at a roster of some sort and figures out that Nadia is really the ranking officer. She fesses up to this and is told to – GULP – step forward the same way Milo was. Zhou decides not to shoot little Nadia, though, and instead tells her to deflect Doyle or Zhou will kill everyone in the place, starting with her.

Nadia tells Doyle there was a communications problem and that they’re back online and she’ll let him know when she has a location on Cheng’s men. She does not, sadly, advise Doyle to get into a “flank two position.” Because THAT would have been some awesome continuity.

Doyle’s spidey-sense clearly pings a little bit but he allows the phone call to end. Will he head back immediately now or what? Like I said, this would have been the PERECT opportunity to inject some distress code wording into the conversation.

Zhou then gets on the PA system all nice-uncle-like and tells Josh they really don’t want to hurt him but want to take him somewhere safe. Yes, yes, safe – away from all these automatic weapons. Zhou says Josh needs to come out of hiding and he underscores his point by saying he’s going to count to ten and then shoot Marilyn. I assume he will reconsider if Josh gives up. Zhou’s poor choice of words is “Show yourself to one of my men.” I half-expected Josh to come to the end of the ventilation duct and open his pants.

Anyway, it works and they get Josh. Zhou relays this to Cheng who relays it to…. Phil Bauer, who has got someone fixing Cheng’s prized little Russian nuke chip. Phil is going to trade it for Josh. Wait, so he suddenly cares about Josh now?

And didn’t Phil Bauer eschew the opportunity to kill Jack and instead left him a cell phone with Chuck Logan’s number on it? Was that to help him? Was there any point to that? Was that phone just randomly left there? Did the writers have any idea what they were doing when they did that?

Who knows. All we know now is that Cheng and Bauer are somehow in cahoots and that they will be meeting in the next hour to exchange Josh for the chip. How Zhou and his men exit CTU is going to be interesting, especially when the new acting director from Division shows up and repeatedly tries to wake up Milo.

You know, it’s a DAMN good thing Heller took Audrey out of that place when he did. I’m just amazed this wasn’t the day Kim decided to visit her old stomping grounds at CTU.

Season 6; Hour Twenty (1:00AM - 2:00AM)

2007-05-08T07:07:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 30 Apr 2007
Reviewer: J

We return to 24-world at the No-Tell Motel where Audrey is fetally rocking in her chair as Doyle tries to talk to her. She simply repeats her line of dialogue: “Help me, Jack. Don’t let them do this to me.” Doyle thinks to himself that he really has to start using some anti-wrinkle cream if he’s looking as worn and leathery as Jack.

At CTU, Nadia is stressing about her role as Buchanan, whom, apparently, is off licking his wounds and ignoring his wife. Nadia, as part of her new role, denies Morris’ transfer request which pisses off Morris. But seriously, Morris? How about you wait until the next “regular” workday.

Jack and Audrey are sent back to CTU in separate helicopters. Doyle’s beating himself up over foiling Jack’s plan which is odd, considering Doyle was following orders and Jack was disobeying, as per usual. So really, yeah, Jack’s plan was to detonate the No-Tell Motel with C4 but if he had succeeded, I’m fairly sure Doyle would have felt the impact since he was hiding against the side of the motel. Just saying.

At the White House, Daniels is continuing to reform himself and act more like a decent leader, going so far as to thank Karen for her sacrifice in firing Bill. He could of course have some mean, underhanded reason for this but I don’t think so. Meanwhile, President Suvarov is on the blower for the VP. Hmm, wonder what he could want.

Suvarov, it turns out, wants to threaten the United States with military action since he already knows that the component has fallen into Cheng’s grubby little hands. Well, that’s interesting, since it’s only been about ten minutes since Cheng made off with the component. Word travels fast to the motherland. Daniels is a bit gobsmacked that Suvarov could know this and he and his team (well, Lennox and Hayes, anyway) make the valid point that Gredenko and Markov were sort of involved in the nuclear attack (and further attempted attacks) on the United States. Suvarov is all like, that was yesterday morning, dude. But seriously, I think the U.S. has a point and I think I might make that even more forcefully, ESPECIALLY given the Russian consulate’s involvement in all this mess. But Suvarov doesn’t wait for a polite rebuttal and fades to black on the videoconference screen.

Lennox immediately believes there’s a leak since few people even knew about this and he immediately deduces that it’s either the White House or CTU. Well, that’s easy to figure out – I think even Audrey could tell you that whenever there’s a mole that they’re usually employed by CTU.

In Cheng’s Hummer, Cheng is on the phone with a minion who says the component is broken in some way. I would give Jack credit for breaking it intentionally but I imagine he would have told CTU that if he did it on purpose. Cheng reacts by saying, “Can you fix it?” in a very white-man-sounding way. I don’t know why I noticed that but it was kind of funny to me since Tzi Ma has always put on his thick Chinese accent in most of his scenes.

It turns out they can’t fix the chip themselves which makes Cheng mad and makes me giggle. Ha ha, frustrated Chinese man if funny. And perhaps more dangerous, though, since he’s now going to suddenly turn desperate.

Meanwhile, Lisa Miller, the point-nosed blonde who Daniels likes to grope, is back at her apartment macking with some dude named Bishop who looks like one of those frat boys who really thinks he’s a stud and doesn’t realize he’s beginning to be a little bit fat. When Lisa heads to the shower to clean his spunk off of her (presumably so Daniels can put his on her), Bishop lifts her PDA and uploads the info to some Russian contact, unbeknownst to Lisa. Ah, so THAT’S how the Russians are getting their info. Espionage. What is this, 1984?

At CTU, Morris and Chloe break up, this time at Morris’ behest. Chloe sobs and apologizes over and over and, wow, I don’t even care at all. I mean, I think she’d be a more tolerable person if she was getting regular ass so maybe I should care a bit but, really, given the stakes of all that is going on, I don’t care about this relationship as much as I’m sure I’m supposed to.

A Dr. Bradley has been brought in to assess Audrey and to see what they can get from her. He finds lots of injection marks all over her body and realizes she’s catatonic from all the pharma work. He suggests they do some pharma work of their own to “shock” her out of this state. Yeah, I’m no doctor but that doesn’t sound like a good idea. Doyle agrees with me but Bradley basically pulls rank and tells him to piss off. Doyle and Nadia then go nose-to-nose and Doyle implies Nadia doesn’t have the balls to be acting director. I really liked how this scene was shot for some reason. The camera kind of pans around them as they, like I said, stand nose-to-nose with hard looks on their faces. If this was Milo, he’s probably take the opportunity to plant one on Nadia again. I suspect Nadia wouldn’t mind if Doyle did just that but he doesn’t. Oh, just do it already, you two.

Daniels rings Lisa Miller and summons her and her fine ass back to the White House. She agrees to go and Bishop sketchily checks in again with his Russky contact.

Meanwhile, Lennox has pinpointed the leak in just twenty minutes. Damn, he IS good. He’s figured out what we all learned just this hour – it’s Lisa. Daniels, of course, is sad to learn she’s boning a much younger and less battered-looking man and he admits his relationship with her to Tom. Tom’s face is fricking priceless as he tries to wrap his mind around the idea of Lisa and Daniels getting it on. Daniels, it turns out, is a widower so it’s less egregious than we all originally thought but no less gross. Tom reassures him that she’s just a girl and they can push her around.

Doyle has now spent enough time with Jack that he is starting to operate just like him. He comes into Jack’s holding room and uncuffs Jack, telling him what Bradley is planning to do to Audrey. Jack puts Doyle into a sleeper hold, which, from what I’m told, can result in a hellish headache.

Jack’s next move is to punch the CTU guard in the hallway, loot him of his gun and then teleport to medical, which is what it seems he does. Jack decides to physically assault the doctor (Bradley) attending to Audrey, which surely is the way to deal with someone this traumatized. He then rushes Audrey out of the room and into the bowels of CTU, interrogating her the whole time. Nadia is pissed at Doyle for allowing it to happen and he doesn’t even seem to deny it, saying he did what he thought was right. Ah, I see. Instead of following orders, you mean? It’s really hard to keep up and know when you’re supposed to follow orders and when you’re not around here. I wonder if Doyle has a chart that helps him decide.

Adding to the anvil that is supposed to make us realize that Nadia isn’t handling her duties all that well is Milo’s terse (and disconnected) remark that if she had just let Jack talk to Audrey, none of this would have happened. Yes, that’s fair Milo, you little whiny bitch.

Eventually they do figure out where Jack and Audrey are and they blowtorch their way into the room. Suddenly Doyle is aiming a gun at Jack again and has apparently come to his senses and is obeying Nadia. Which is interesting. Audrey chooses this moment to remember “Bloomfield,” which Jack immediately says must be where she was being held by Cheng. Bradley is all negative and Nadia boots his ass from the room, deciding to start taking matters into her own hands, too, and she promises Audrey will not be subjected to pharmaceutical treatments. Jack relents and is arrested. Again.

Back at the White House, we seem to have reached that point in the season where there are totally disconnected stories going on at once. Lisa Miller enters and the VP confronts her about Bishop. She tries to feign ignorance (which isn’t totally made up since she didn’t know he was duping her for intel) but folds when Daniels plays a recent phone recording of Bishop talking about downloading info from Lisa’s PDA.

Daniels is more than a little pissed. He growls that she’s in deep shit and that she’s going to help them with this Russian situation by going back to Bishop and getting him to believe the US has recovered the component that has Suvarov’s panties in a major bunch. He even gets in a dig about how if she tries to expose their affair (hers and Daniels) that he’ll have her mark her as an “enemy combatant” and that she won’t see daylight, let alone a courtroom. I have to say that was a pretty awesome scene from Powers Boothe, who doesn’t have to try real hard to come across all thundery and angry and growly. But still, good stuff, and good stuff out of Kari Matchett who plays Lisa Miller. Matchett looks genuinely scared, confused and defeated all at once. Well done.

And speaking of awesome scenes, we spin back to CTU now. Nadia and crew have learned that Audrey’s “Bloomfield” comment might lead to where she was being held. Nadia feels she should have stood up to Bradley sooner but Doyle bucks her up by saying she did when it mattered. And then we see that our old friend James Heller is at CTU. I wonder when he came to Los Angeles.

He’s no longer the Secretary of Defense and the last time we saw him, he was plunging his car off a ravine not far from Logan’s retreat. Speaking of Logan…. Oh, never mind.

Heller tells Audrey he’s taking her away and then decides to go speak to Jack. I wonder how this will go. Jack is stunned to see the former SecDef and, in a cool bit of consistency, still seems humbled in his presence. I like to think it’s a combination of the fact that Jack respect Heller greatly and yet is also dealing with the awkwardness of having seen his daughter naked. Oh, and having gotten her kidnapped by the Chinese, sort of indirectly. And this is what Heller chooses to focus on. He blames Jack for what happened to Audrey and, while it was certainly Audrey’s choice to go looking for Jack, I can see how a father might react this way when learning their daughter is in the broken state that Audrey is in.

Jack tries to protest and says he can help out Audrey but Heller flatly refuses, even leaning in to intimidate Jack (which actually seems to work a bit, which is awesome) and repeating that he is to go nowhere near her. Heller leaves Jack with the stinger that no matter what Jack touches, it ends up dead. Ouch. And thank you, William Devane for agreeing to come back for one scene to drive home the whole thing. It’s a cool nod of continuity and they didn’t even hit us over the head with the fact that Jack and Heller have a history. They just trusted us as a viewing audience to KNOW their history and to remember how he is. Although, if you just started watching this year, it must have seemed off for Devane to guest star for one scene.

I loved it, however. A pretty great episode with some solid, well-acted scenes.

Season 6; Hour Nineteen (12:00AM - 1:00AM)

2007-04-27T07:29:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 23 Apr 2007
Reviewer: J

Incredibly, as we begin Hour Nineteen, Doyle has made it from the place where Jack left him to the side of the highway in literally seconds. What, did he teleport there or something? When last we saw him, he surely wasn’t by the side of the 101. But I guess that’s not important. The space-time continuum stopped mattering about five seasons ago on this show. If you look back at Season One, you see clocks and watches onscreen all the time and they’re all strictly accurate. Now you see watches on character accidentally (aided by HDTV) and they’re never even close to right.

Doyle does happen to be able to stop a car using his mind powers. Remember, Jack made him relinquish his cellie at the end of the previous hour so how will he call CTU – oh, he steals the nice man’s cell phone in addition to his car. Yeah, so now that poor schlub is out standing on the side of the highway, after midnight, light one car and one cell phone. I sure hope he wasn’t heading to see someone who might be worried about him after, you know, the nuclear blast earlier in the day.

CTU flips the switch from helping Jack to hunting down Jack and is busy tracking his movements. Doyle follows in his hijacked car as Morris heads over to Chloe, who’s still pissy that Morris didn’t trust her last hour when she said Jack would give his life to keep the mystery component from the Chinese. Morris makes perhaps his most salient point ever when he asks Chloe if she thinks Jack would also sacrifice Audrey’s life to keep the Chinese from getting that component. A good question, to be sure, and one which Chloe responds to by screwing up her face as though she just let go a really nasty fart. Morris says, “That’s what I thought.” What? That Chloe shouldn’t have had the bean burrito for lunch? Speaking of food, when is dinner around this joint? Wouldn’t you love to see Morris doing his work with egg noodles hanging out of his mouth? No? Neither would I, I suppose.

Daniels and Lennox have a moment alone back at the White House, wherein Daniels asks Tom just how long Tom plans to keep his balls in a vise. Daniels’ balls, not Tom’s. Just so we’re clear. Tom points out that he only wanted to save his own ass (something you’d think Daniels would know by now) and that he doesn’t plan to use the evidence against Daniels even if they come “out of alignment” on their views of how best to discriminately limit the civil liberties of Americans. Daniels seems relieved to hear this and seems to accept it. He also earns a point or two in my book for asking about Karen Hayes and whether she should be kept around. Tom says she’s good to have, despite the fact that she’s a ninny, tree-hugging liberal. Or something like that. Daniels grunts that she can stay then.

On the run, Jack calls his buddy Cheng and tells him they’re doing the meet and swap his way since CTU is on his tail and he can’t jump through Cheng’s silly hoops. Cheng, knowing we have only 45 minutes left in the episode, agrees. Jack gives him the location of a seedy, no-tell motel that’s abandoned. Now, how the HELL does Jack know this place is abandoned? He’s been in China for TWO damn years prior to today. And before that, he was hiding in between Diane’s thighs out near the oil fields. Unless maybe this was a motel Diane used to run? Who knows. Again, let’s just go with it.

At the White House, well, just when you thought Daniels couldn’t get any creepier with Lisa, his aide/chief/sexslave/whatever, it goes even further over the line. Alone in the Oval Office, Daniels gets horny and tells Lisa as much, groping her and essentially forcing her into making out with him. It’s kind of icky. Her nose looks particularly pointy, too. She confirms that he’s a dirty old man but agrees to go home and get a change of clothes so she can spend the night. Presumably, she’ll be returning with a chastity belt and hazmat suit.

Doyle finds Jack’s tire tracks near the power lines. He confirms Jack must be heading East. Now, I’m no counter-terrorist agent, but how can you tell which way someone is going from their tire treads? I don’t think the Toyota Tundra Jack’s driving has unidirectional rubber. Nevertheless, CTU narrows things down to two highways, one of which has traffic cameras, which leads Doyle to deduce that Jack would never take that one because he would know that. Again, not to harp on this, but apparently the world freezes while Jack’s away. And he remembers every minute detail, like a frickin’ elephant.

At CTU, Chloe and Morris bicker some more. I think I might need a macro for that. The long and short of it is they’re pissed at one another and keep antagonizing one another until Chloe trumps anything Morris has got with a barb about him having armed a nuke for a terrorist. Morris is hurt and won’t accept Chloe’s apology. I yawn. Run now, Morris, run now.

Karen gets a visit in her office from Peter Hock, from the Department of Justice. They two seem chummy as Hock explains that he’s been interrogating Reed Pollack for the past few hours and that Reed is spilling the dish about Karen and her hubbie Bill Buchanan covering up the release of Fayed two years ago when they had him in custody. Karen acknowledges it happened but that they didn’t have enough to hold him. Hock goes from seeming like her friend to seeming to want to hang her. She’s worried about how this will reflect on the President. And who is Hock worried about? Himself? Shouldn’t he want to protect the President a bit, too? And, more to the point, if Hock is from DOJ, it’s probably his department’s protocols that allowed Fayed to be captured under false pretenses and then released as well. Whatever, I’m thinking about the real world. Hock lays it out for Karen in simple, television show terms: either she goes down or Billy Boy goes down. And I don’t mean the way he did on their honeymoon.

She gives Bill a ring in LA and asks if he has time to talk. Uh-oh, that’s never good when the woman wants to “talk.” Bill either misses this or decides to avoid it by saying he’s really, uh, busy, um, organizing his tie collection. He does ask if something’s wrong and she just tells him to call when he has time. Yeah, well, you know, Karen, if he doesn’t have time to talk at 12:30 AM then there probably aren’t very many good times. Why don’t you send a calendar invite for 2:45 AM?

Karen then goes to speak to an ally – Tom Lennox. Wait, what? Weren’t these two mortal enemies just this morning? She brings up the reason that Tom got her to resign and Tom goes all, “Hey, sorry, lady, can we move on?” Karen says it’s not about apologies and tells her what’s up with Reed trying to get some leniency on himself by exposing the Buchanan/Fayed/Hayes love triangle, or whatever it was. Tom is kind of freaked about Reed getting any sort of a break (where’s Carson, by the way?) but ultimately points out to Karen that if/when the public learns that they had Fayed in custody at one point, they’re not going to care that there wasn’t enough to hold him. A point which I kind of can concede. As clumsy as this plot point is, there is some truth to that. Tom basically tells her to cut her husband loose (professionally) and then signifies the end of their conversation by picking up his phone and pretending to talk to someone at 3:30 in the morning.

At the No-tell Motel, Jack has rigged a wall with enough C-4 to put a hole in the Earth. I think that should cover it, Jack. And does he just travel with C-4? Or maybe it was in the rather fully-stocked CTU pickup truck he boosted from Doyle. Jack then calls Bill’s voice mail and leaves a message about how the circuit board will be incinerated in the blast he’s going to trigger so there’s no need to worry about the piece falling into the wrong hands. Yeah, that sounds foolproof.

Jack goes on to thank Bill for being such a good friend, which is kind of nice, even though Bill would have Jack killed if that was the order he was given. Though, the more I think about it, Jack would kill Buchanan even if nobody ordered it and Jack caught Bill eating his pancakes. PTSD ex-junkies are kind of unpredictable.

Morris goes into Buchanan’s office and asks for a transfer “out of Comm.” What does that mean, exactly? He wants to be transferred across the floor to one of the non-speaking roles? Buchanan looks like I might look if I had to play kindergarten cop to these children but agrees to it. I think Morris needs to be dismissed for the day.

Karen picks this time to call her husband back. It’s only been about nine minutes since she told Bill to call her when he had some time so apparently she’s as patient as most wives. She tells Bill the story about how the Justice Dept wants someone to take the fall for Fayed’s release two years ago and she agrees with him about how it really was by the book and that they didn’t do anything wrong. However, the blowback is what everyone’s afraid of, and this is politics after all. What doesn’t quite make sense, and I wish Bill had said this, is that neither Bill nor Karen are politicians and, thus, they should be able to operate in the best interests of the country’s national security. But alas, Karen fires her husband over the phone (not even waiting until Friday afternoon). Bill’s more than a little bit pissed off about his career ending like this. Hey, maybe he can take over Michelle and Tony’s private security firm. And look at the bright side, Bill. You’ll be able to take a nap for the first time in like four years.

Bill’s next move is to bring in Nadia to tell her what’s happening. He’s already packed up and ready to leave when CTU security comes to escort him off the premises. Damn, I guess Karen’s next call was to CTU security to start the firing paperwork. Cold.

Bill tells Nadia he’s stepping down and that she – all 4’11” of her – will be calling the shots. That is, until Division can send over a replacement. Nobody points out that Bill was that Division-appointed replacement a few years ago. And speaking of Division, they’ve been awfully quiet this year. Not that I’m complaining. But after the way that Chappelle, Michelle and McGill worked out after being sent from Division, maybe they decided nobody could survive (literally) the transition to the field office.
Nadia speaks for all of us when she tells Bill how he’s the most principles and honorable man she’s known. I agree. And I hope this isn’t all for Bill Buchanan. In fact, I still hold out hope that we’ll get to see him in the field since, according to his Fox profile, he began as a field agent in New York.

Back at Jack’s No-Tell Motel, Doyle has spied Jack’s shiny product-place Toyota pickup and raids it for a gun and some ammo. He also locates an earwig and gets on the horn to CTU that he thinks he’s found Jack. Before long, Cheng’s inconspicuous limo rolls up and Cheng gets out and heads into the motel. He’s awfully confident that Jack’s not willing to risk Audrey, isn’t he? I mean, I don’t know that I’d be THAT confident.

Doyle continues giving play-by-play as Audrey is brought into the motel at Jack’s insistence. Audrey looks awful and Jack looks destroyed as he sees her for the first time in a couple of years. He tells Cheng that they need to let Audrey walk away and out of the snipers’ range and then Jack will hand over the component. Why Cheng doesn’t just kneecap Jack at this point is beyond me since either Jack has the component on his person, which case they can just take it from him, or he doesn’t, in which case they won’t want to lose Audrey, their leverage. However, Cheng’s not as quick on the uptake and agrees, letting Audrey stagger down the road. I perhaps would have sent her around back and into the pickup truck and had her drive away. Although Jack has a cab waiting for her down the road to take her to CTU. But still, how reliable are cabbies at 1 AM?

Outside, Cheng has planned a double-cross because he’s a sneaky Chinese man who we’re supposed to hate more and more every time we see him. Doyle notices the army of Chinese surrounding the building and preparing to shred Jack and continues badgering Nadia about where the backup field teams are. She has already sent several teams and at least one helicopter. But apparently those guys were sleeping or something because they haven’t arrived yet. Hey, Doyle, remember when Jack needed your backup and you arrived after the fun had happened?

Right as Jack hands over the component and prepared to detonate the No-Tell Motel, Doyle can’t hold his wad anymore and opens fire on one of the Chinese gunmen. This ignites a firefight and, thankfully, CTU arrives on the scene at this point. However, someone was clearly watching Cheng’s ass because Jack is dropped almost immediately by a bullet to his vest. Lucky they weren’t aiming at his head. Although this is Jack we’re talking about. He’d probably catch the bullet in his teeth.

In any event, Cheng scurries outside and somehow his limo has metamorphosized into three Hummers! Damn, Cheng has the Transformers on his side, too! He IS prepared.

Cheng and some of the remaining Chengettes high-tail it to the waiting Hummers and away from the scene. The Hummers veer into different directions so as to make it harder to tail them and as the chopper overhead tries to keep tabs, one of the Chengettes fires a bazooka at the chopper and hits it, sending it spiraling out of control. Uh-oh.

Jack gets up after being shot in his bulletproof vest for the second time in three hours and is apprehended by Doyle and CTU. He’s all kinds of pissy at Doyle for ruining his tea party for Cheng. Doyle seems to realize Jack had the situation under some form of control yet shows restraint in pointing out that they probably would have either re-taken or killed Audrey if Jack’s blow-up plan had succeeded. Nadia helpfully radios that the black Hummers that just took down one of their choppers are fleeing in various directions into the dark mountains and that Cheng’s in one of them. Yeah, thanks for the news, Walter Cronkite.

At the close of the hour, Audrey is being brought back into the motel and keeps repeating the following: “Help me, Jack. Please don’t let them do this to me.” Jack slowly realizes that she’s broken in some major ways. I think what tipped it off for Jack is that she’s now dumbed down to his daughter Kim’s level of intelligence. And Jack knows that blank, vapid stare.

Meanwhile, Cheng is enjoying his Hummer (the vehicle, pervs) as he flees and he evily admires the circuit board he procured from Meesta Bow-air. How Cheng knows just from looking at the chip that it’s not simply the sim card from Doyle’s cell phone is beyond me. But I guess we’re to assume it’s indeed the real deal and that Jack allowed exactly what he promised wouldn’t happen.

Plus, the Prez is near-dead, Bill’s out of a job, Karen may have lost her husband and during all this, the VP is grossly making out with his pointy-nosed sidekick.

Watch out for that shark.

Season 6; Hour Eighteen (11:00PM - 12:00AM)

2007-04-22T19:49:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 16 Apr 2007
Reviewer: J

And so we return for Act 2 of the season, kind of a bit later than usual, with only seven hours to go. Jack, getting some meds for the pain he’s in (Careful! He’s a recovering addict!), sneaks over and swipes one of Fayed’s henchie’s cell phones to call back Cheng. This was an interesting move, given that, well, I don’t know. I’m just going to go with it. There’s a fair amount of that in this episode.

Cheng gets to the point: He and the Chinese want some SIM card or something from the suitcase nukes because, somehow, these scheduled-for-decommissioning bombs hold the key for Russian intelligence technology. I don’t get it, either, you’ll just have to accept it or we’ll be here all night. Cheng threatens to kill Audrey if Jack doesn’t get the card for him. It’s a good thing Cheng’s faith in Jack still wanting Audrey alive is accurate – if Jack had decided to bed Marilyn, he might just have hung up. Or, hey, what if Fayed had killed Jack? Would Cheng have let Audrey go once he learned of this?

At the White House, Tom and Wayne are discussing the VP and Wayne gets Tom to admit he has a recording of Daniels and his blonde assistant Lisa plotting perjury. Wayne smirks that he’d love to hear that tape very soon and I just love the way Wayne says that. Kind of like, “Wow! Delicious!”

Karen bustles in with the news that CTU took down Fayed and that they’ve got the nukes back. Wayne and Tom are thrilled and decide to move back upstairs to the Oval Office. Thank god they’re getting some more use out of that set this season; I was beginning to think it was a terrible waste. Of course, it’s very possible that they’re just borrowing the set from The West Wing since that show is no longer on.

Jack rings into CTU and gets Chloe on the horn. She seems happy to hear from him and then immediately Jack does what he always does and brings her into his secret little rogue game. I think it’s funny that Jack doesn’t even plead with her to help anymore – he just goes right into whatever illegal, untraceable activity he needs. In this case, he needs a schematic of the nuke so he can locate the guidance chip or whatever the hell it is that Cheng wants. Chloe has to break away from the little lovefest speech that Buchanan is giving the troops (shouldn’t he be dismissing them?) and heads to Morris’ computer because Morris is probably the only one without a classified version of the schematic. Because he filed a report with Defense. Just go with it.

Naturally, there’s some suspense and Chloe desperately tries to send the schematic to the cell phone Jack is currently using. She manages to pull it off just as Morris returns. She doesn’t even have to flash her titties to distract him.

In the sort of roundly shaped office, Wayne and Daniels meet to discuss their relationship. No, not that way you perverts. They sit opposite one another and Wayne speechifies about how Daniels was misguided but without his approach, Wayne wouldn’t have had the idea to bluff successfully like he did. Daniels looks sort of piqued for a minute, like, “Is he actually thanking me?” And for a minute I thought Wayne was going to be like his brother when David forgave Prescott way back when Prescott basically overthrew the government. But then Wayne showed his peacock feathers and asked for Daniels’ resignation. What happened to him needing those who were loyal to Daniels? Didn’t Wayne say just like an hour or two ago that that was why he couldn’t get rid of Daniels? I don’t get that.

Anyway, Daniels refuses to resign, apparently forgetting what Tom had on him. Wayne chooses to remind the VP of that recording and asks for his resignation within a week. A week? This is a one-day season, people!

At CTU Morris realizes that someone has hacked his system. Chloe tries to discreetly birth her kittens at her station while realizing she’s been out-Chloe’ed. Morris about to report it when Chloe fesses up and asks him not to tell. He won’t accept that, though, and insists on reporting it to Buchanan. I guess all the covering for his possible drinking and lying that Chloe did earns her no points here. Nor does having given Morris who-knows-how-many hummers in their life together. She finally agrees to tell Buchanan herself and marches up there to tell him. It was so drawn-out, though, that I thought Morris was going to interrupt and save her from confessing… like that he’d come to his senses somehow. But he doesn’t.

At the location where the Marines are guarding the nukes, Jack shows up pretending he has a Presidential order to remove a circuit board from one of the nukes and when the Marines protest, he yells really loud and threatens to tell on them. This works, despite the fact that a Marine would NEVER go against an order he’s been given. Like I’ve already said this hour, just go with it.

Jack claims the location is compromised and that he wants the Marines to guard the area while he removes the circuit board. They do so and Jack pulls out the cell phone with the schematic on it and works on the nuke using the cell screen schematic as his guide. Shit, that’s a small map to work from, Jack. And if that phone is anything like my Razr, the screen will dim after just a few seconds of being open like that. And then where will you be?

Before long, Doyle is onto Jack’s little scheme and interrupts the proceedings, ordering the Marines to take down Jack. The Marines have no idea who to listen to but one finally rifle-butts Jack in the melon. Boy, wouldn’t Doyle have been pissed if that whack to the head had caused Jack to squeeze his trigger (not THAT trigger, pervs – the one on his gun; oh wait, I mean… dammit) and kill Doyle?

Back from commercials, Jack is coming around and Doyle lets him talk to Buchanan who flatly refuses to let Jack bring the component to the Chinese in exchange for Audrey, no matter how good she is in the sack. Perhaps Buchanan is just jealous because he only gets to nail Karen Hayes and not Audrey. Either way, he’s rather steely in his resolve not to give in to Jack this time. Jack then decides to tell daddy and asks to speak to the President.

Naturally, Jack is able to talk Wayne into allowing this little charade. Jack gives “his word” that he won’t let anything happen wherein the Chinese get the component, the Russians get mad, and we’re subsequently involved in a pissing contest with Russia. Yeah, because things are so good between us and them already with what happened at their Consulate a few hours ago.

Wayne doesn’t want to comply but Jack points out that Wayne “owes him.” Yeah, I suppose so, but still – this isn’t about personal favors, this is about avoiding conflicts with nuclear-equipped nations. I guess if it doesn’t work, though, and Cheng and the Chinese government end up with the mysterious component, the U.S. can just ask Martha Logan to call Anya Suvarov to smooth things over with Yuri.

Wayne ends up agreeing to this – and this is important – and Jack asks for Doyle to be his helper on this little mission of personal vendetta. Buchanan is told by Wayne to give Jack the support he needs. Well, this all sounds like an excellent use of government resources twelve hours after a nuclear device was detonated in the same part of the country.

Jack tells Doyle that he plans to rescue Audrey, destroy the circuit board, kill Cheng, and then make sweet, sweet love to Audrey in only the way a man who’s been caged for two years can. Well, he leaves out that last part, but he does say it about Cheng. Killing him, not making sweet love to him. Which is interesting, since Cheng is ostensibly a diplomat that the U.S. government has been treating as such.

On the way out, Doyle gives Jack some grief about how he’s risking a lot for Audrey and that he (Doyle) hopes she’s worth it. Jack gets all snotty about how she served her country with honor and deserves to be rescued and some shit like that. Right, Jack, like it’s not her sweet-as-buttermilk nipples or mouth-like-a-Hoover that are really on top of the list of reasons why she should be saved. I don’t think Doyle’s buying it, either.

Back at the White House, Daniels is confiding in Lisa, the blonde bitch who essentially has cost him his Vice Presidency, that he has to resign because of Tom’s recording of them conspiring to commit perjury. Lisa feels awful – and she should. But speaking of sweet asses, Daniels won’t hold it against her. He has other things to hold against her. He says he wants his resignation in Wayne’s hands immediately. Well, that only makes sense. Wayne suggested waiting a week to let the country absorb the recent attacks so it only stands to reason that Daniels would disobey the only thing left from Wayne that he can disobey. In addition, there’s about a paragraph of text in Daniels’ letter of resignation. Wouldn’t you just love to read that?

Daniels and Lisa head to the briefing room and respectfully look on at Wayne’s press conference where he is proudly telling the assembled media that the threat is under control. Of course, in the first hour we learned the country has been experiencing significant terrorist attacks for six weeks. How do we know it’s over? Couldn’t there be some Fayed splinter cells out there? I’m paying too close attention? Oh, okay.

DB Woodside does a good job in this scene, as Wayne misspeaks a couple of times but only slightly. He also calls a reporter by the wrong name, which was when I sort of began to think something bad was about to happen. Then his stuttering and stammering began. And then he collapsed. So either Wayne was having low blood sugar issues or he just stroked out. Daniels evily watches from the viewing area at the back of the room and evily puts away his resignation letter. Evily. Definitely not good that this happened on live TV.

Back in the Oval Office, there’s a somber gathering of Daniels, Lisa Miller, Tom Lennox, Karen Hayes and a very guilty looking Dr. Welton. Welton confirms that the Prez suffered a cerebral hemorrhage. Despite being resilient so far today, Welton thinks Wayne is retiring for the evening. Everyone seems appropriately saddened, even Daniels. He carps a little at Welton but ends with telling him to do everything to save the President’s life. Welton shows more restraint than I would by not saying, “Oh, really? I was just going to feed him Tic Tacs but now that you ordered me to, I will give him actual medicine.”

Once Welton has taken leave of the room, Daniels strolls over to the desk and calmly requests that the cabinet be notified of his taking power back under the 25th Amendment. This time legitimately. He also seems to genuinely want to govern and maybe he is going to be okay since this is sort of a second chance. But then he learns about Jack’s mission and, well, maybe he’s not such a changed man after all. He learns of Wayne’s deal with Jack and the circuit board thingie in question and has a minor freak out. He, somewhat fairly, points out that it’s an unnecessary risk that Wayne allowed Jack to take. And Daniels certainly has a leg to stand on in terms of claiming Wayne’s mental state was altered, given what just happened on live television.

Karen and Tom can’t even argue that vehemently since they probably don’t think Daniels is all that far out of line with this call. Karen immediately calls Buchanan to break the news. Way to drag your feet a little there, Karen. Buchanan agrees since he’s become nothing more than a robot who exposits information and allows himself to be told what to do. He reverses course on the Jack/Audrey Reunion Mission and calls Doyle to let him know that, just kidding, they’re really not going to help Jack anymore. He even asks Doyle if Jack can hear him. No, Bill, Jack decided he likes riding down next to the driveshaft and so he’s clinging to the underside of the truck.

Doyle, to his credit, quickly and smoothly lies that there’s a problem on the freeway ahead and that they need to take a different one. Seems plausible enough. But Jack’s on to him quickly, since Jack knows there aren’t ever traffic problems in Los Angeles so Doyle must be lying. He pulls his pistol on Doyle and reminds us all that he killed his pal Curtis earlier in the day because Curtis wouldn’t let Jack have his way. So he’ll gladly do the same for Mike Doyle since he actually liked Curtis and only just met Doyle a few hours ago. Doyle seems to believe the nutbar in the passenger seat and secretly plots the objects with which he’s going to beat Buchanan when he gets back to CTU.

Jack has them stop and hijacks Doyle’s vehicle. He fails to put Doyle in a sleeper hold, though, and drives away. Doyle yells at him that he “can’t go against the White House!”

Oh yeah? Watch him.

Season 6; Hour Seventeen (10:00PM - 11:00PM)

2007-04-16T07:16:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 9 Apr 2007
Reviewer: J

You could almost name every episode a “Return of [INSERT CHARACTER NAME HERE],” starting with Jack in the premiere. The end of this hour brought back the uncredited Kim Raver as Audrey Raines, as well as our old friend Cheng Zhi. But we’ll get to them.

It appears that something went on in the writers room while this episode was being created. Perhaps series creator Joel Surnow or maybe Kiefer himself came in and said, “That’s it! We need to wrap up this storyline!” Because that’s what happened in this hour. And these kinds of hours are often among the best because so much DOES finally happen.

As you’ll recall from the previous week, Wayne recovered well enough to stop the Vice President from nuking the Mideast. And then, to celebrate that victory, Wayne elected to… nuke the Mideast. We pick up this hour with Tom Lennox and Karen Hayes trying to get Wayne, again, to reconsider and I have to imagine Tom is wondering now who is actually fit for office. I mean, if you’re going to have a leader blowing up brown people at random anyway, perhaps it SHOULD be the one who was not recently blown up himself.

The somewhat freaked-out ambassador of this as-yet unnamed country (they keep calling it “Fayed’s country,” so I think maybe we should call it Fayedia) rings into the conference room to ask what the F is up. Wayne doesn’t have much to give him except that he’s retaliating and maybe, just maybe, if the ambassador helps out, Wayne will reconsider melting Fayedia.

The ambassador (also unnamed to this point, which is kind of obnoxious of the show) finally loses this rather high-stakes staring contest with Wayne and announces that they’ve “uncovered new information.” Yeah, I bet they have… oh look, it’s right here on my desk under my organizer!

Ambassador Nameless hastily explains that they think this general in their army, General Habib, has been helping Fayed. They’ve arrested Habib (that was fast) and they’re interrogating him right now. Wayne is more than a little pissed since it doesn’t take a rocket scientist (even Wayne figured it out) to realize that Ambassador Nameless has been lying about his Fayedia’s knowledge of Habib’s involvement. Wayne agrees to abort the missle but demands the Ambassador come BACK to the White House again (what is this, his third or fourth trip?) to provide intel on Habib. Ambassador Nameless agrees and takes leave to change his underwear. Look at the bright side, Ambassador Nameless; if your country is gone, you get to stay in sunny LA. Until Fayed makes sure that IT’S gone. So it goes.

It also turns out that had the ambassador had a bit more in the testicle department, he would have seen Wayne as even weaker than we all thought since the bomb was unarmed. Not armed with a nuclear warhead, that is. I imagine it still would have hurt, though, if it came through your hostel window.

Tom apologizes for doubting Wayne’s strength, something he could have read about Mike Novick doing in Season Two to Wayne’s brother. Wayne is magnanimous about the whole thing but perhaps that’s more to do with the fact that his hand is twitching and his brain is about to explode. We’ll see.

Somewhere in Santa Monica, Jack is whaling away on Fayed, who is tied to a chair. Well, that’s hardly sporting. Why Jack doesn’t start cutting off Fayed’s fingers is beyond me since Fayed was about to do that to Jack back in the first hour of the season. And it also worked on Markov so why not give it a whirl. There’s a somewhat funny moment when Jack appears to hurt his scarred and mangled hand while blasting Fayed. There’s some back and forth, blabiddy blah, where Doyle wants to have a go at Fayed but Jack won’t let anyone else play with his middle eastern toy.

The decision is made to bring Fayed back to CTU and to have Agent Burke, the incompetent torture guy, standing by with his kit of destruction. Doyle appears skeptical of pharma-torture being effective but Jack coldly replies that he’s seen it work. Well, sure, but you were pointing a gun at Burke and demanding that he increase dosages on your brother. And also, you held Tony in your arms and watched him die after Henderson injected one of Burke’s syringes into Tony’s chest, but I’d hardly call that “effective.”

Suddenly, the CTU van is ambushed and overturned. Second CTU van destroyed today – whoever runs the motor pool is going to be pissed. A firefight ensues and both Jack and Doyle are hit. Fayed is rescued from the van and fortunately, nobody comes over and puts a bullet in Doyle’s or Jack’s heads. And do you know why? Of course you do. This was a ruse! And if only Fayed knew Jack a little better, he’d know that.

Amid the chaos, Doyle cut himself and when Nadia hears this over the radio, she asks him (using his first name) if he needs medical assistance. He thanks her for her concern. Oh, just fuck already and make Milo blow his own brains out.

On the Faux Terrorvan, the CTU operatives posing as terrorists explain to Fayed that they were sent by General Habib to help him out. Fayed is suspicious, which is weird to me since he, like to many 24 bad guys, seems to have limitless henchmen so how could he possibly know each and every one? Nevertheless, Fayed asks for a gun which is given to him. He checks to make sure it’s loaded and then says he wants to talk to Habib. Now, the whole loaded gun thing – I’m going to assume the fake jailbreak that CTU staged was done using blanks and not live ammo; otherwise, that was hellishly dangerous to all involved. So why not have a gun at the ready with blank ammo in it for Fayed? That would seem to be quite the safety net when it comes to protection. Why am I analyzing this? Well, if you’ve seen the hour, you already know.

At the bunker, Wayne brings Ambassador Nameless up to speed and says they need to convince General Habib to call Fayed and get in on this major episode of Punk’d. Ambassador Nameless doesn’t think Habib is going to be cooperative. Well, Wayne could always fire another fake nuclear missile at him. Or maybe Martha Logan can call Mrs. Habib and broker something. Speaking of the Logans… oh, never mind.

Wayne’s actual suggestion is a bit more chilling – he asks if they’ve considered threatening to kill his family to make Habib talk. (Habib’s family, not Wayne’s.) Everyone in the room, including Ambassador Nameless, is aghast that Wayne would suggest such tasteless measures. Right, because Fayed, Habib and the rest of their crew wouldn’t resort to underhanded measures. Hypocrites.

Apparently, Fayedia’s government complies, because just a couple minutes later Habib is ringing up Fayed on the cell phone in the Faux Terrorvan. Fayed talks to Habib while Nadia listens in at CTU and translates. Good thing Buchanan talked her into staying.

The Fox summary states that Habib is calling from a “middle eastern holding cell.” Now why do we care which wing of the building Habib is calling from? Or maybe they mean a middle eastern holding cell instead of a middle eastern terrorist cell. Big difference.

Anyway, Habib chides Fayed for dropping the ball on their intended targets for the day. Fayed, to his credit, doesn’t lecture Habib for the beating he has recently endured, nor for the mental trauma and anguish he’ll long be feeling after having to take off Gredenko’s arm with an axe. Habib tosses in a stinger about how he should have sent “Samir” to do the job. Wow, way to twist the knife there, Habib. Everyone knows Samir is a putz.

Fayed appears satisfied and directs the Faux Terrorvan towards where he has the bombs stashed. However, Nadia seems to have uncovered the fact that Samir has been dead for several years and thus, this might be a distress signal to Fayed. You know, like being in a “flank two position.”

CTU tells this to Jack who then calls this info in to the field team in the Faux Terrorvan. Suddenly (and predictably), while the van is in a tunnel, CTU loses audio and video and the van appears to stop in the tunnel. Jack orders the team on the other side to seal their end. They immediately begin closing up the end of the tunnel with bricks and mortar. Man, the morning commuters are going to be rather pissed. Maybe they’ll paint it to look like the road ahead and hilarity will ensure as people drive right into it, all cartoon-like. Okay, those last few sentences aren’t true.

Jack and Doyle race into the tunnel and come upon the Faux Terrorvan, which is light one actual terrorist. Most of the Faux Terrorteam are dead and Jack takes off looking for Fayed. And he finds him, hijacking a garbage truck. In a “boiler room,” according to Fox’s summary. That’s got to be the biggest boiler room I’ve ever seen.

Jack decides the best course of action here is not to tell CTU where Fayed is and to have them try to track the gigantic garbage truck careening through the city. Instead he climbs onto the undercarriage and decides to hang on. I sure hope Fayed isn’t driving to Las Vegas or something. Jack does decide after riding a few feet that maybe this would work better with some backup and so he tries to radio to CTU on his earpiece but the racket from the truck makes this impossible. Nice technology, CTU. I also have to think that clinging to the bottom of a moving garbage truck might hurt the rib muscles a bit.

Also, not to harp on Fox’s recapping abilities, but their summary says that “Jack is clinging to the undercarriage of the truck, just inches from the asphalt that speeds past his head.” I mean, really, I don’t think the asphalt speeds anywhere. In fact, I think it’s stationary and it’s Jack and the truck that are speeding over the asphalt. But hey, I’m no physicist.

Back at the bunker during all of this, Wayne has dismissed Ambassador Nameless and right after he is out the door and Tom and Wayne are alone, Wayne collapses, telling Tom to lock the door and the “nobody can know.” About what? The sweet love you and Tom are about to make?

Tom disobeys and sends for the harried Dr. Welton, who has be harangued by the VP and the P today. Wayne insists on some more adrenaline and Welton flatly refuses this time, saying that he shouldn’t have caved in the first time and that another injection could well kill the Prez. Wayne, with a blood pressure of 80/60 (I think) struggles to his feet, re-adjusts his tie, puts his coat back on and states that he’s getting back to work. Again, Wayne, I think you can lose the tie and jacket and nobody would think less of you.

Fayed gets to his warehouse which is fortunately just about eight minutes away from where he ambushed the Faux Terrorvan by himself. He and his men set about getting ready to depart on Fayed’s revised mission to simply decimate Los Angeles with the remaining two nukes. Ah, a scorched Earth policy, eh Fayed? Interesting. Jack finds this interesting as well and as soon as he sees the bombs he opens fire on Fayed and the Fayedettes. As usual, Jack and his pistol overmatch several men who are armed with superior artillery and are firing from superior positions. I think Jack’s hiding behind some cardboard boxes or something but, as usual, that’s enough. I also think it was awfully cavalier of Jack to just open fire. What if those aren’t the bombs but are in fact silver cases of used pinball machine parts?

As always, though, Jack’s Jacktics turn out to be on the nose. He takes out Fayed’s men and then bum-rushes Fayed, who is frantically trying to nuke the…warehouse? I guess it’s got to be close to downtown LA since it only took them eight minutes to get here in a garbage truck. It’ll have to do. But Jack gets to him and the two fight viciously and it’s a good fight. It really appears that these two hate one another and want to claw each other’s eyes out. As one would expect, Jack does manage to win and wraps a chain around Fayed’s neck and the strings him up. Rather than having him do time for what he’s done. I suppose that’s what we all wanted but Fayed’s happy to be martyred, one might think.

Jack again shows his cold side with his “Say hello to your brother” line right before he uses the chain to strangle Fayed. Very 1980s movie hero of you, Jack. I wonder if Fayed has any other brothers.

Right as Jack has finished the heavy lifting, Doyle and the cavalry arrive. Nice timing, boys. Doyle amuses us all as he looks at the carnage and comments, “Damn, Jack.” CTU is joyous that the remaining nukes are secured. So now they can focus on helping with the fallout from the Valencia blast from that morning, right? Or maybe everyone can go home, especially guys like Milo who has been shot and Morris who has been drilled.

You’ll note that I kind of ignored the Milo-Nadia angle to this point. That’s because this couldn’t get much stupider. Milo is now pissy that Nadia was sort of nice to Doyle in asking if he needed medical attention. When in reality, she should have done what, Milo? Offered medical attention to someone who isn’t bleeding? It’s so high-schoolish it’s kind of embarrassing.

At the site of Fayed’s last breathes, the teams are milling around and it looks like Jack has saved the day, leaving us with seven hours of report filing to watch to wrap up the season. Also, what will become of Jack? Will he officially come back to work now that he doesn’t have to hide from the Chinese anymore? Or will he now start his quest for the killers of his dead girlfriend, Audrey? These questions are, of course, rhetorical because suddenly Jack is getting a call routed through the CTU switchboard. And Jack still hasn’t learned taking calls with a minute or two to go in an hour – and especially when all seems well – can never mean good news. I was kind of thinking it might be Kim but there’s some silence and then….

“Jack?”

It’s fucking Audrey. Alive. And sweaty. But sadly not in a bra and panties only. I guess once that shitty show that Kim Raver had got cancelled she was suddenly available to appear on 24 again. Suddenly, our old friend Cheng Zhi from the Chinese consulate (who apparently pulls, like, triple duty guarding the consulate, interrogating state prisoners in China and also overseeing hostage-nabbing in LA) comes on the line with his patented, “Hello, Mister Bow-air” routine. So I guess Audrey is indeed what Wayne traded to the Chinese to get Jack back. High price, indeed. Audrey’s a fine piece of tail. Tail that Jack suddenly has renewed hope he might be able to reacquaint himself with. Cheng tells Jack that he has to call back at President Logan’s cell phone number if he wants to see Audrey alive again. Only I guess it’s not supposed to be Logan’s cell number. Wait, didn’t Jack give that number as the CTU main switchboard to the Russian who was going to help him? Won’t Cheng get a good laugh when Jack tries to call back and it rings through to Chloe! Ha! Oh, that Cheng!

Really, though, Cheng’s got Audrey and while I’m assuming they’re in LA, you know that’s the only way this will work in the next seven hours. I guess we’ve got either an exciting ending to Season Six lined up or we’re headed towards another cliffhanger and the precursor for Season Seven. Only time will tell – seven hours of time, to be precise.

Season 6; Hour Sixteen (9:00PM - 10:00PM)

2007-04-05T11:22:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 2 Apr 2007
Reviewer: J

So here we are at this season’s “Actual Hour,” a term I just made up for the hour that actually matches when the show airs. I think it would be amusing if we saw someone’s home and they had 24 on their TV, sort of like a self-aware in-joke. No? Okay, fine.

As you’ll recall, the previous hour ended with VP Daniels straying even further off the reservation and asking for the Attorney General so he can have Wayne removed from office. Interesting to me in all this is that of all the advisors sitting around in this room (considerably more than Logan seemed to have nearby during any of his crisis), nobody has the cojones to stand up to Daniels, or even to question his thinking, other than Tom and Karen. Are the Joint Chiefs really just that eager to nuke somebody?

Wayne is getting ready to head in to the situation room and he’s already back in his tie. I don’t know about you, but I would definitely go with the no-tie look for a situation like this. That situation being the rather rare one of needing to go back to work just a few hours after being blown up because your support staff are doing the complete opposite of what you need them to do.

Wayne wants to get out of his wheelchair because he doesn’t want to be seen as weak. I think waking up from a coma and coming back to work – again, mere hours after having been blown up – probably removes the idea that you’re weak, Wayne. Karen points out that FDR did just fine in a wheelchair. Oh, okay, so real Presidents existed in the 24 universe? Interesting. And, hey, Karen? Stupid point. The world was a little different in 1940 and FDR wasn’t ever on television. But I digress.

As part of Wayne’s not-looking-weak endeavor, he asks Dr. Welton to give him a shot of adrenaline. Welton hesitates at first but gives in. So I guess the President’s health is only…sort of your primary concern, doctor?

At the Hauser House, Jack is on the cellie with Buchanan saying he thinks Gredenko rolled over too easily and that something must be up. When he hears about the Presidential upheaval going on at the White House, Jack somehow deduces that this will make the amnesty papers non-binding so they can screw over Gredenko if they so choose. I’m not sure how Jack figures this. Although we don’t ever see either Daniels or Palmer agree to sign such amnesty papers. So maybe Jack fakes Palmer’s signature? Hard to say.

At the bunker, Wayne painfully strides into the conference room and is greeted with a handshake from Noah Daniels. And let me just say that DB Woodside does a very nice job of communicating to us, the viewers, the level of pain he is in.

Wayne and Daniels both make their case as to why they’re right with regard to the 25th amendment. Tom appears to be the moderator of this little tête-à-tête, and let me just say that I’m glad this is what our government is doing during a time of such national crisis. Nice show of solidarity, guys. Well-done.

The cabinet gets a ten-minute pee-break from Tom and is told to then come back and vote. While this break is happening, we see the happenings back at CTU, which are no less political. Milo and Nadia agree to forget about what’s happened so far that day but Milo doesn’t think they can forget about “the kiss.” Yeah, well, please let us try to forget about it, Milo. Thanks.

Doyle calls in Nadia and says that he’s moved onto someone else to blame for computer problems at CTU and he’s going after a lanky white guy instead of a Muslim so, hey, look at how non-racist he is! Nadia is annoyed when Doyle says he thinks Milo screwed up some security something-or-other and that he wants Nadia to obtain the proof from Milo’s computer. Nadia does it to potential save Milo the embarrassment of being arrested for his screw-up. Wow, that’s a dramatic penalty for someone making a mistake. Although I suppose if Milo focused more on his job than on what color panties Nadia wears, maybe he’d have done it correctly. I was kind of annoyed that Doyle used his nearly the same line on Nadia about Milo that he used on Milo about Nadia: “What, are you too busy trying to decide if you want to sleep with him?” Shut up, Doyle, seriously.

Of course, after Nadia screws up her courage and pushes away the guilt she’s feeling over doing it and gets the goods on Milo, she brings it to Doyle and confirms he was right – it was Milo who screwed up. Or maybe it was Nadia, since she was logged in under Milo’s login, right?? No? Oh, have we forgotten that, writers?

Doyle then makes his second magnanimous move of the past two hours and covers up Milo’s mistake in “the logs,” which seem to be awfully easy to change. I mean, this is, what, the tenth time we’ve seen this done, at least? We’re then shown that Doyle has read the Koran and other religious books because he’s still searching for his own answers. Is this supposed to make him a deeper character or something? I guess, but I’m not that interested in Mike Doyle’s internal strife. I mean, if you’re religious then good for you. But if you’re into your 30s and you still are “searching for answers” from religious texts, then maybe you’re looking in the wrong places, you know?

Back at the bunker, the vote comes up and the cabinet appears split on whether Wayne is fit for duty. And, for a change, I think this might be a fair projection. Wayne was indeed severely injured and was just in a coma. It’s reasonable to assume he might need more than a few hours off from work before he can think clearly. However, when you look at the alternative – Daniels – it’s hard to think he’s a better option. Again, I must ask – how do the Palmer brothers choose running mates? Do they look for the sneakiest, most-likely-to-overthrow-and-bomb man they can find? Or are we to assume Palmer really needed Daniels to win the election, which is the only possible reason these two would partner up?

Anyway, the vote (done by a show of hands like this is fifth grade, which, sometimes, it feels like it is) is indeed split right down the middle at 7-7. The Attorney General points out that this is not a majority so the President remains in office. The celebration is short, however, as Daniels points out that Karen Hayes resigned earlier that day and thus is no longer a voting member of the cabinet. Uh-oh, he’s got a point there. It’s 7-6, therefore, assuming the Attorney General doesn’t tell us that we have to appoint a new National Security Advisor and ask them how they would vote. Speaking of the AG, it’s not the same guy from last season who Chloe played the recording of Logan and Martha for that led to Logan’s arrest. If Logan has any political clout, that guy is probably the public defender in Barrows, Alaska at this point.

Naturally, there’s squawking about how Karen’s resignation never took effect and I can’t believe this is still going on. Are they just looking to fill half of the hour with something? This is kind of ridiculous. Now it looks like the Supreme Court is going to have to get involved and make a ruling on this. On what, exactly? On whether or not Karen’s resignation is binding? Wow, that sounds riveting.

We’re saved from having to deal with this – and from having to watch Sandra argue to the Supreme Court – when Daniels makes a critical mistake. Lisa (Daniels’ assistant/cohort/secretary/fluffer) comments that she’s not feeling real confident about their chances of getting Supreme Court support on their case. She then offers to lie to the SC and tell them that she was supposed to tell Karen she wasn’t being kept on as NSA but that with all the ruckus it hadn’t been communicated to her yet. Daniels, for his part, actually hesitates and points out that this is perjury and could land her in a bigger mess than perhaps she realizes. She acknowledges this point but says it’s for the greater good, just like nuking civilians in an unnamed Middle Eastern country. It takes about three seconds for Daniels to be convinced since, after all, it’s not his ass on the line; rather, it’s Lisa’s finely shaped ass that will be on the line. To that end, Daniels takes her hand rather…lecherously, and thanks her for this. Oh, it’s so sweet when women commit felonies for the men they believe in.

A couple minutes later, though, Tom strolls into the lounge and asks Lisa to take leave of the room. Miss Thing gives him one of her patented looks as she goes by and I know I’m not the only one who notices these. My bride-to-be said to me, “What’s with the looks this one gives everybody? She bothers me.” She is a smirking little bitch, isn’t she?

Tom moseys over to a bowl of some sort and shows Daniels a bug he planted in the room not long after he was compelled to lie to the ambassador of Unnamed Middle Eastern Country (UMEC) about having seen Assad plant the bomb. Daniels is clearly beaten here and I think he knows it but he has his one card to play and that’s his intimidating voice and hulking stature, something he’s already used on Tom more than once today. He warns Tom about what he’s doing but it makes me really want to cheer for Tom because it’s Tom who has Daniels beans in his fist now and all he has to do is squeeze. And to Tom’s credit, unlike almost any other character on this show, he doesn’t want something for himself first. He simply tells Daniels to stand down on taking over the Presidency. We don’t see it happen but we learn that Daniels complies. Wayne questions why he would back down, like that matters.

At the Santa Monica pier, where Fayed has ordered Gredenko to meet him, CTU agents bug Gredenko and also inject radioactive isotopes into his arm to track him. Why not just make him swallow a bug? Oh, we’ll see why, don’t you worry. When it’s time for him to go meet Fayed, they release him from the inconspicuous black van with government license plates on it that’s sitting alone at the pier. Gee, I hope Fayed is on the merry-go-round in the background and isn’t watching this unfold. Good god.

Gredenko follows text messaged directions to a tool shed of sorts that has various tools in it, including axes. Axes? Yes. Somewhere Chase Edmunds shudders.

Inside the tool room, Gredekno silently exposes his wiring from CTU and disconnects it. Milo however still has Gredenko tracked from the isotope tracker in his arm. And this is where I get a bit confused. Gredenko tells Fayed he has a way they can all escape. And then we don’t see the rest of the conversation. The next thing we know, Jack busts into the room and nobody is there. Which is a good thing, since Jack would have been a bit outnumbered. He does find part of one of the people – Gredenko’s arm, replete with the wedding band we seemed to keep getting shots of whenever Gredenko was on the phone with somebody. Icky.

So, do you think Gredenko’s plan to was have his own arm chopped off? And how is that possible? They clearly used an axe and they cut it off up near the shouder… that’s a hell of a chop. And remember when Chase’s hand was taken off with an axe? He lost consciousness from the agonizing pain, which I think is rather accurate. Gredenko, however, is able to walk with the others and is only sweating a bit as he gives direction on what they need to do. He couldn’t possibly have thought he was going to survive this, could he? Or is it possible his plan entailed a little less extremity-removal? Because based on their relationship thus far, I can’t imagine Gredenko was willing to give up an arm for Fayed. That seems a bit…incongruous, to say the least.

Anyway, after a shootout wherein Jack takes out a couple of Fayed’s men with deadly accurate pistol shots in the dark, Fayed and Gredenko make their way into a bar on the pier, at which point Gredenko outs Fayed to the bar patrons as “the terrorist on TV.” Fayed has a rather awesome look on his face like, “You Russky son of a bitch,” as the bar patrons begin to jump him. Fayed, though, is a tough dude and shoots down at least one patron and begins kicking some ass. It doesn’t last long, though, as brown people in the midst of a terrorist situation are no match for angry, mob-like Americans. Americans who are at a bar on the Santa Monica pier at almost 10 PM on the day a nuclear bomb went off less than 40 miles away.

Jack actually comes in and saves Fayed’s ass from probably certain death, clearing the bar (no last call?) and kicking Fayed in the chops, knocking him unconscious. Jack lets CTU know the situation, which is pretty much the same as it was last hour: he has a terrorist but no bombs. The only difference is that he has Fayed and no bombs instead of Gredenko and no bombs.

Under the Santa Monica pier, Gredenko stumbles along the beach and finally succumbs to what had to have been obvious from the beginning. His blood loss and the trauma of having an arm removed at the bicep area with a frickin’ axe prove to be too much for a man in his 50s or 60s and Gredenko collapses to the sand, presumably dead. Bye, Gredenko. Your day was pretty much a total waste, wasn’t it? You didn’t get to blow up anybody. Good thing you got that amnesty, putz.

We end at the White House bunker where Karen wants a truce with Tom. Hasn’t she sort of suggested this already today? Tom still clearly has no love for Karen and limply shakes her hand in agreement of the truce. She inquires about how the VP was convinced to back off and Tom lies that he doesn’t know and he lies extraordinarily unconvincingly. Even Karen can see this and says she’s love to know the reason someday. “Someday,” Tom agrees as he answers his cell...and is told that the President is actually ordering the strike that Daniels wanted to push through. Wait..wha?

Lennox rushes to the situation room and asks what the hell is going on. Wayne replies that the second adrenaline shot he just growled Dr. Welton into giving him has gone straight to his swollen brain and makes him want to blow shit up. Well, he didn’t exactly say that. Really, he said that he is tired of being seen as weak, including by Tom. Well, nuking the Middle East ought to fix that perception right up and also ought to realign Wayne very well with his Vice President. And maybe that’s the plan. But who the hell knows at this point?

Yes, that was a shocking ending but, well, I don’t get it. I’m sure we’ll abort the attack before it hits and everyone will be happy except for Daniels who really wants some brown people melted.

Officially declared missing by me, by the way, include the following:

Reed
Carson
Philip Bauer
Logan
Martha
Aaron

Season 6; Hour Fifteen (8:00PM - 9:00PM)

2007-04-04T17:35:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 26 Mar 2007
Reviewer: J

Yes, yes, I’ve gone missing for a couple of weeks. Well, I’m back now and you get a double-dip of my witticisms this week. What can I say? Work life intervened with play life and as a result you didn’t get a review last week. Alternatively, we can blame D for this since he doesn’t work here anymore anyway. Just think of me and D as Palmer and Daniels. I’ll let you all decide who’s who.

But on to Hour Fifteen, from two weeks ago. There were some things in this hour that kind of pissed me off, though they had their virtues, which leaves me kind of torn. I’m of course talking about Rain Man Brady, but we’ll get to him.

In case you forgot, the previouslies show us how Gredenko and Fayed launched the drone plane that Jack managed to crash-land on the outskirts of San Francisco only to have the local firemen exposed to radiation. Well, as we roll into the eight o’clock hour, Gredenko and Fayed are beginning to wonder if something’s gone awry or if Google Maps was inaccurate in just how far away San Francisco actually is. There’s a standoff between the two that’s supposed to be intense and Gredenko goads Fayed about killing him when he still needs him. I’m sure this is supposed to make me think…something. But it just reminds me that both these guys are unlikable and they seem to trade episodes taking turns as to who is really in charge. They both blame each other for things going wrong and both seem to be right sometimes. Meh.

At the site of the drone pilot’s final minutes, Jack gets on the horn to Buchanan and learns that VP Daniels is planning to nuke the as yet unnamed Middle Eastern country in retaliation. For Jack’s shitty landing? That’s not really fair. Jack acts like Daniels is all nuts for using this level of force. I guess that’s fair. When compared to nuclear bombs, cutting off people’s fingers is considerably less drastic and has less collateral damage.

Buchanan basically tells Jack that he figures they need to wrap this thing up by finding Gredenko and/or Fayed before the nuke attack happens. And when is that? By the end of the hour. Well, what the hell would I do for the next nine hours, then? Review episodes showing Jack on the phone with CTU HR trying to collect backpay?

Gredenko, too, is back on the horn again and calls a new character, a scruffy thirtysomething dude named Mark Hauser. Good thing his name isn’t Maxwell. Gredenko wants better “security specs” than the ones Hauser already provided. Huh? Okay. Gredenko says he’s coming to Hauser’s house (the Hauser House?) to get the specs in about 40 minutes. Hauser goes to the kitchen where his brother Brady announces, “I hungry!” Oh, outstanding. We’re out of ideas so instead of an unwilling civilian being forced to play along with CTU, now we’re going to have a retarded civilian playing along. These are the moments when I think the writing staff are truly running out of ideas.

Anyway, Brady is Rain Man when it comes to breaking into Mark’s employer and stealing stuff so Mark dispatches him to do that while he improves the crap-ass meal he was making for Brady. Oh, the meal? Scrambled eggs with red peppers in them. Yuck. Brady says he doesn’t want the red peppers. I’m with you, Brady. He also says he doesn’t eat red food, but does no elaborate. I’d test Rain Man here by offering him some Swedish Fish and Jolly Ranchers.

Back at CTU, we see that Milo is spending yet another episode pensively watching Nadia in the interrogation room. Is he hoping she forgets the cameras are there and starts disrobing like the scene in American Pie? Her name was Nadia, too, let’s not forget. Bill interrupts Milo’s daydream (and mine) to tell him Nadia “being processed as an enemy combatant.” Whatever. We all know she’s too hot to be guilty.

At the same time, Chloe has fortuitously caught one of those CTU breaks. Good thing, too, cause things were looking bleak and Milo had nothing to do but stare at Nadia. Anyway, Chloe has intercepted Gredenko’s call to Hauser and has his address by pulling up his drivers license. How come whenever I see a California driver’s license on TV or movies, the person’s picture always looks like a professional head shot? They’re always sort of angled to the side whereas every other state I’ve seen has you looking straight ahead. I’ve held New Jersey and New York driver’s licenses and they looked like… well, licenses. But I guess California is different.
Another interesting tidbit I noted was the dating on Hauser’s license. It has him born in 1982 and the license expiring in 2014, if I’m not mistaken (which I could be since I don’t have the hour cued up in front of me as I write this). So we are indeed in around 2012 as has been widely reported. It also makes Hauser about 30 years old. Which is interesting when Chloe later pulls up his employment history and we see he had job listings back in 1997…when he was about 15. Must have been precocious. Nice work, continuity department. If I can spot things like this on one or two viewings, I would think someone working on the set might be able to pay attention to them. Especially seeing as how this show has a predominant focus on, you know, timing.

Buchanan orders Jack’s team to the address. Meanwhile, a new tech guy names Johnson calls Doyle over to show him a chip he found that, in a nutshell, exonerates Nadia. The baddies hacked into her computer using this magic chip and so Doyle’s roughing her up was actually unwarranted, although he didn’t know that when he did it. Smug Johnson (sounds like a good porn movie title) points out that this could land Doyle in some serious shit if Nadia decides to sue his ass. Which seems silly, given all that Jack is able to get away with on this show. Plus they’ve incorrectly tortured CTU employees before – that has to be part of the employment waiver you sign when you come to work there now, anyway.

It turns out Johnson has had his own ass covered in the past by Doyle and he wants to return the favor. He hands over the chip and says they’re even. Wow, it looks like Doyle really is a dick. A big dick. A big Johnson, if you will.

At the White House bunker, Karen Hayes goes to ostensibly comfort Sandra Palmer as Wayne lies in his bed looking dead. Karen is kind for about a minute and then gets down to the business of imploring Sandra for her permission to rouse the President to get him to stop the out-of-control VP. Which again makes me want to know how the Palmer brothers choose their running mates. It’s unreal.

Sandra eventually agrees to consent to this and when word reaches the smug VP, he rings the doctor up and insists that he stand down. The doc is surprisingly strong in his convictions and tells Daniels to stick it, which I loved. He makes it sound like he’s got the President’s best interests in mind but we all know he doesn’t. To that end, though, I really don’t think the President’s doctor would risk the President’s life just because his sister said it was okay. I think there are other people who would need to weigh in on that as well.

In Culver City, Jack and his boys raid the Hauser House and nearly kill Mark, whom they’re there to interrogate. Silly CTU, always shooting first and asking questions second. In their defense they did see Hauser wielding a shotgun, which is an interesting thing to have near your Rain Man brother. Is it there in case Brady suddenly decides he doesn’t like green foods either?

We’re then treated to Jack actually being nice for a change. He obviously realizes Brady is autistic (or a big faker) and talks to him in a calm tone. When Brady says he can’t talk to strangers, Jack actually smiles and says he’s a police officer (liar) so it’s okay to talk to him. Knowing he’s definitely got leverage on Mark in the form of his brother and two bullet holes that are quickly draining the blood from Mark’s body, Jack cashes in and gets Mark to agree to set up the drop of the intel Gredenko’s looking for. They agree to use Brady, which seems to anguish Jack. Jack has experience putting mentally challenged people in harm’s way for his own purposes – remember when he had Kim pose as Saunders’ daughter a few years ago?

At CTU, the sketchy Johnson who found the Nadia-exonerating chip goes to Milo and tells him about it. Whoa. Did he have a change of heart? No, he’s just messing with Doyle. Milo about freaks out and suddenly wills his five-hour-old bullet wound to heal enough to remove his sling and take a shot at Doyle. Doyle defends Milo’s weak swing and Milo is controlled by a security guard. Doyle admits Johnson did indeed come up with something but that he wanted it verified since he finds Johnson unreliable. Good you brought him into CTU then, dude. Morris confirms that Doyle gave it to him to verify about ten minutes ago and that it is indeed legit. Milo is mortified at himself and tries to apologize to Doyle, who is suddenly magnanimous and tell Milo not to sweat it. I guess we’re supposed to like him now, everybody. Make a note.

Johnson, who reminds me of an arrogant skiing jackass in Aspen, stands there looking bemused at the little ruckus he created. Doyle tells him he’s done being jerked around by Johnson. Johnson just smirks. Probably the last we’ll see of him. Remember, loose storylines trail off this show like entrails.

Nadia is released from holding and Buchanan gives her a papa bear talk where he makes her still feel needed. Since she hasn’t had truth serums injected into her veins by Burke, she’s forgiving and agrees to stay on. She’s cold to Milo, though, as he tries to apologize – even though he wasn’t the one who had her locked up or even suspected her in the first place. Milo chases her down and she cuts right to the chase, telling him whatever he “thought” might happen between them, well, he could forget it now. Huh? How is that relevant? And way to use your vagina as a weapon, Nadia.

Milo responds by forcefully grabbing Nadia’s head/hair and kissing her. She returns the kiss and appears to be really turned on. I’m not sure how. I mean, I’m not into men at all but if I was, I think Milo would be far down on my list.

At the medical unit at the White House bunker, Wayne begins to crash as a result of his brain swelling. Well, we definitely don’t want Wayne getting dumber, do we? It looks like he might die since crashing and losing a pulse is sort of a really bad thing to have happen, despite the fact that ER shows people recovering from this with regularity. We don’t get to see what happens though as we cut…

…back to the Hauser House, where Jack is still wrestling with his inner conscience about sending Brady into the fray. He puts an earwig (the electronic kind) into Brady’s ear and sends him to the meeting point. He briefs (or reminds) Alpha, Bravo and Charlie teams about their roles: Charlie “team” (a lone sniper) has a tranquilizer rifle to take out Gredenko. Everybody else gets real bullets from Alpha and Bravo. I guess they’re pretty sure Fayed isn’t coming to this meet, too.

Gredenko shows up and takes the dummy info Brady hands over. Jack hears over the earpiece that Gredenko says to kill Brady once he confirms the intel. However, Charlie team has no clear shot with the tranq dart. Why not just tranq Brady, too, then? What, do you only have one dart in the rifle, dude? What follows is a tense moment where Jack orders Brady to get down and Brady is slow to respond, almost taking a bullet in the melon as a result. But he ducks just in time and CTU takes out Gredenko’s men while Gredenko gets him with a tranq dart that appears to instantly knock him out. Shit, that must be powerful. I wonder when he’ll be awake.

The answer is six minute. Wow, that’s some fast-acting and short-lasting tranquilizer. Perfect for situations like this. Gredenko immediately rolls over and offers up Fayed, or at least the help of finding Fayed. Naturally, Gredenko wants one of those amnesty agreements that the US government has given people like Nina, Mandy and others. I imagine they just have a stack of them and you plug in the person’s name, right?

At the bunker, Lennox relays the news that CTU has Gredenko. Daniels barely acknowledges and then moves on to the business at hand: bombing brown people. Lennox suggests maybe they should wait since this might be the end of the chase. Daniels flatly refuses and wants to teach the world a lesson. And I’m assuming it’s not to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony.

Just before the launch is to occur, the submarine reports that they were called off. Daniels, feeling like he’s the ranking man on this operation, wants to know who the hell called it off. The answer is President Palmer. Daniels refrains from asking how David Palmer can call off anything with a hole through his throat and six feet of dirt on top of him.

Just then the phone rings and the VP takes it, only to hear Wayne intone, “Noah? It’s Wayne.” Noah says it’s a relief and a surprise to hear Wayne’s voice. Well, sure, since his heart was stopping and his brain was swelling him towards brain damage about 15 minutes ago.

After making his orders very clear to Daniels, Wayne hangs up and looks to be in severe pain and discomfort. His dippy sister just smiles back at him. Daniels decides the President is possibly in mental distress and is probably not able to dispatch his duties as President and he calls for the Attorney General and whoever remembers how the Season Two cabinet successfully removed David Palmer from office.

This cannot be good. And I don’t mean for Wayne. I mean that we’re recycling complete scripts now.

Season 6; Hour Fourteen (7:00PM - 8:00PM)

2007-03-26T06:58:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 19 Mar 2007
Reviewer: J

Wow, can you believe what happened to Logan? Oh, wait. You didn’t see what happened to Logan? I just assumed I nodded off or got distracted by a shiny object and missed it.

This kind of thing pisses me off because, much like Jack’s father, why the Palmer brothers are so bad at choosing running mates, and why Charles Schwab insists on those stupid, creepy-ass pseudo-cartoon commercials, this will likely never be explained. The writers aren’t sure what they want to do with Logan so let’s just leave it hanging out there. This works on a soap opera but it’s hard to make work on a show like 24 that purports to unfold right in front of us and, thus, we supposedly can expect to see what happens to people. I suspect we’ll hear about Logan before the end of the season but it’ll be something like the way we heard that Heller survived his Ted Kennedy experience last season.

As for this hour, I did enjoy it and we saw Jack once again have something of a lesser role in the hour. This is leading people in some arenas to speculate that they’re prepping for Jack’s eventual departure. This is false, let me assure you. Sutherland is signed on for at least another two seasons plus a potential movie AND he’s a producer of the series now. So he’s not going anywhere.

At the beginning of the hour, the CTU crew is cleaning up the corpses and aftermath at the Russian consulate. Jack is insisting he’s fine but Doyle isn’t having it. The on-site doctor says Jack has some floating rib fragments. Hard to say when those happened but I think we’re to believe they happened when Jack got knocked down the stairs by Vasili, the Russian guard who got a name in the script even though he was killed moments later.

Jack wants to remain involved in the mission, but Doyle orders him to CTU medical. Jack, realizing it’s more dangerous there than pinned down in the Russian consulate without any bullets, looks around fervently as though he’s trying to think of some way in which to get his own way. Seeing that there’s really no longer a Russian consulate to invade, he seems to agree to go back to CTU and see if he can cause more headaches there.

Speaking of CTU, they’ve realized that at the same time, Gredenko and Fayed have managed to launch one of the drone planes out in the desert. Where the hell is the attack team? Wasn’t the whole point of murdering all those Russians so they could get intel on where Gredenko and the nukes were located? And Jack got that info and relayed it to CTU and they…. didn’t go? Well, nevermind, because now the drone is in the air and headed somewhere.

Chloe tracks it and CTU notified the Air Force to get some fighter jets up and ready to intercept this thing (although I would think detonating it in the air could be bad for the environment, too). As this is being discussed, CTU loses the drone off radar because it’s small or impervious or some such gobbeldy-gook.

Actually, it’s because Gredenko’s drone pilot, operating the drone just a few blocks from CTU as we’ll soon learn, has somehow disabled CTU’s tracking capabilities. How? Good question. Put it in the Logan bin of unanswered wonderments.

The VP decides that the best course of action is to threaten a nuclear strike on the country Fayed is from. Interesting to me that he doesn’t want to strike Russia since we pretty much have 100% confirmation that one of their nationalists is in on it. I guess that would make things kind of awkward for the Presidents of our respective nations, though. Plus Anya and Martha might be a little hamstrung to go shopping together. Oh, and we’d annihilate each other nuclearly, too. There’s always that issue.

At CTU, Jack and Marilyn have a moment in the hallway. Remember all those times where it looked like Jack was ready to jump Marilyn’s bones? Well, if she hadn’t already sent more signals than a homing beacon, she gives him the full-on green light as she goes in for a kiss. Wow, really cashing in on being widow quickly, eh Marilyn? Jack, though, gives her the old eighth-grade brush off of turning your head to the side. Nothing worse than that. Jack explains that he still has a pocket rocket for Audrey, to which I can only reply, “So what?” You weren’t married to her, Jack, and Marilyn probably hasn’t had sex in a long time. Which, neither have you, come to think of it. Cash in, brotha.

Marilyn then drops the bomb that Audrey is dead. How the hell does Marilyn know this? How does everybody seem to know everything about the details of Jack being in China and Audrey being killed in prison, etc.? Way too much for Marlyn frickin’ Bauer to know.

Jack is of course gobsmacked and goes to Chloe to snarl at her for not telling him. He demands her file and, sure, Jack, you can have classified intel even though you don’t work here anymore. He promptly has the file and learns that she was the one who put together the fact that he was in China and she was “going through backchannels.” Like who? Marilyn Bauer?

Anyway, she was in a horrific car accident, of which we see some pictures, including one of Audrey’s charred remains. Yikes. That sucks. I guess Kim Raver really isn’t coming back. Or else it’s all a ruse and she’s in prison over there right now. Maybe that’s what was traded for Jack? Would Wayne do that? Maybe.

Earlier out on the CTU floor, Milo asks Chloe to “make sure” Morris isn’t drinking. Chloe goes over and plants a wet one on Morris, who seems to take advantage which only makes sense given his weirdly moody ex-wife/current girlfriend. Chloe tells him directly that she’s just checking his breath as Milo looks bemused at the situation. Hey, Chloe did tell Morris she’d be keeping tabs on him. From Morris’ point of view, this isn’t a bad way to have tabs kept on you.

We soon learn that there’s a leak in CTU. Shocker. If there isn’t one per season, that’s more of a news flash. Doyle, in keeping with his role as a dickhead, immediately suggests they check Nadia’s station. Milo gets mad at Doyle for disrespecting his crush but, as Buchanan points out, if they have to check everyone, what difference does it make who they start with? Plus, if it comes to it, just tell Nadia’s civil rights lawyer that you were checking everyone alphabetically and backwards.

In a typical stroke of CTU luck, it is indeed Nadia’s computer that is hooked up to the baddies. Maybe she has Nina’s cube from Season One and it’s just an unlucky cube, eh? Doyle goes and takes her into custody as everyone just seems disappointed. There’s no way she’s actually guilty and I think we all know that. And it kind of sucks that I think it’s that obvious that she’s not guilty.

Gredenko is seen getting word that San Francisco will be nuked very soon. Man, San Fran gets the shaft on this show all the time. Wonder if it’s something the LA-based crew has in their heads.

At the White House bunker, Karen Hayes wants Wayne to help stop VP Daniels from his nuclear strike attack on the unnamed middle eastern country that Fayed is from. This is kind of stupid, I must say. But nevertheless, Daniels is going to go ahead with it and Hayes, as I said, wants Wayne to stop him. However, Wayne’s in a coma so he’s going to have a hard time winning any arguments. Karen, clearly not familiar with what a coma is, wants to have him woken up. Well, it’s not that simple, Karen. And your parents didn’t send your first dog away to live on a farm in upstate New York, either. Sheesh.
Anyway, Wayne’s doctor says he’d need consent from Wayne’s family to wake him from the coma because it could be life-threatening. While this may be the case with most patients, I don’t think the President falls under the same guidelines. I imagine the mandate is to save his life at all costs, regardless of whether his crazy-ass human rights lawyer sister says its okay to wake him or not. Because you know the impassioned plea from Karen is coming soon.

At CTU, Doyle is enjoying interrogating little Nadia and I’m amazed they don’t have Burke in there yet. Maybe his shift is over? Nadia antagonizes Doyle by commenting on how she knows about “what happened in Denver” and how he likes to hurt people. Well, so does Jack but you guys keep trusting him to get the job done, don’t you? And what the hell did happen in Denver? (I asked that because you know Fox wants you to wonder it so fine, I get it, there’s a past history there. Can we move on now?)

Right about the time Doyle is thinking about popping Nadia’s head off with his bare hands, Milo comes in to tell him to stop. Not because he’s defending Nadia but because they have the location of the drone pilot and they need Doyle to head the mission. Because they’re low on field agents, I guess.

Jack sees everyone assembling and decides he’s going. He asks Bill to please approve it, as though anything Bill says could impact Jack’s decisions. Jack wants to “finish this” and avenge Audrey’s death. On the drone pilot? What does he have to do with things? Man, I must have dozed off if this makes sense to anyone else. Wouldn’t those responsible for Audrey’s death, if it is indeed not an accident, be somewhere in China? Or has Jack already deduced who is to blame for this? What if it’s Wayne? What if it’s Logan? I kind of hope it is since those would present different ethical challenges for Jack instead of if it’s actually Fayed or Cheng or someone like that.

Regardless, I don’t see how this current situation has anything to do with Audrey’s death while trying to find Jack while he was imprisoned for something he did to another country years ago. Bill probably doesn’t get it, either, but knows things are always infinitely more fun when Jack’s out in the field and you never know when he’s going to call in and demand a helicopter or announce that he’s stuck inside another foreign embassy looking for illegal help. Right, Bill? Bill?

Bill agrees with Jack’s approach so much that he says he’ll tell Doyle that Jack’s running point on this operation. Yeah, that makes sense. It also makes sense that Doyle would accept this with no backtalk since he’s such a reasonable guy. Yeah, this whole paragraph makes complete sense.

Anyway, they get to the location of the drone pilot within about four or five minutes, if that. I can’t even get from my office to my car in four or five minutes.

As they’re getting ready to move in, Jack is wincing in pain from his many injuries and Doyle asks if maybe he or Sipiwicz should take over. Jack says he’s fine and Doyle gives him a “whatever.” What ever happened to all that “my men’s lives are on the line” crap, Doyle?

They move in and, naturally, take down the hostile. Maybe they should have kept him alive long enough to question him, though. Just an idea. Jack takes control of the drone and begins steering away from San Francisco. However, Jack’s apparently turned into a lousy pilot because he can’t keep the drone from stalling and he announces that he needs a place to touch down. Chloe first locates a strip of residential road. Yes, smart, Chloe. Jack tells her that’s a no go and she finds an industrial park that appears to be right along the water. Why not just splash into the water itself? Wouldn’t that have been easier and probably safer?

Jack brings the toy plane in for a rather shitty landing and the plane bounces around and pinballs off of several things on the ground, eventually coming to a fiery stop with its nuclear core busted open and the nuclear gunk oozing out.

I did find it funny that the Fox summary online says that “None of the first responders have reported a detonation.” Well, I don’t think this is a good way to judge whether it went off or not since I’m fairly certain none of them would report a detonation if it actually did happen, either. They’d be too busy turning into vaporized molecules of human beings to get on the horn to CTU.

At the White House, word comes in that Jack saved the day again, although Daniels perks up when he learns that the radioactive material has almost certainly released fatal doses of radiation to the first responders. That’ll teach them to volunteer for their local fire department.

Daniels decides that this is close enough to a nuclear attack and decides to unleash hell on whatever country Fayed is from. While I understand the horrific looks he’s getting from Lennox, Karen and others, I also can sort of see the point here. If we suffered multiple nuclear attacks in one day, I’m fairly certain the American public would demand retribution. They’d also probably begin lynching Muslims in the streets, which I imagine Daniels would sanction, too.

Anyway, the VP orders the nuclear missile strike on Generic Middle Eastern County (GMEC) over the protests of even Tom. Daniels, of course, is doing exactly what Gredenko said the Americans would do – blame the Arabs. Of course, Wayne wouldn’t have done this so Gredenko is clairvoyant to have predicted that this would happen.

As for Logan, still no word. His horses back at Camp David Palmer are probably getting lonely.

Season 6; Hour Thirteen (6:00PM - 7:00PM)

2007-03-15T16:24:00.000-04:00

Air Date: 12 Mar 2007
Reviewer: J

What shall we call this? The Return of Aaron? The Return of Martha? Ricky Schroeder Acting Like An Insufferable Asshole? So many choices.

For the second hour out of the last three, Jack seemed to have considerably less screen time. I’m not necessarily complaining, since most of the people who have been on screen instead have been at least interesting characters, if not terribly helpful insofar as advancing the plot. Seriously, we just spent another hour not trying to find the nukes but instead dancing around political issues and marital discord in order to try to maybe get some information about where a certain Russian might be hiding and might be involved in this attack. Remember, there’s no hard evidence at this point as to Gredenko’s involvement in Fayed’s terror plot. We know Fayed was responsible for the nuke that went off and we know he has others. And you and I also know Gredenko’s involvement but up until Jack cut off Markov’s finger, nobody in CTU’s inner circle knew any of that. And they still don’t during this hour, since Jack is trapped in the Russian consulate without access to an outside line. Or a beverage.

In the previouslies, “Former President Charles Logan” gets a freeze-frame intro, and to my memory is the first one to get a title other than “President” or “Vice President.” In fact, if you remember back to Season Two when David Palmer was temporarily ousted, his intro card read “David Palmer,” sans “President.” I know this is irrelevant but thought I’d mention it. Because I do those sorts of things. And that’s why you love me (and, likely, why you also hate me).

Also notable in the previouslies was the absence (unless I missed it) of the murder of the consulate security dude who was about to call CTU and tell them the info Jack had. Not sure why they would leave that out but they did.

And then we open up in the consulate with Jack being pushed down the stairs by Vasili, the sketchy dude who shot his comrade last hour. Jack lands on said dead comrade and hears Vasili on the phone, making the James Bond villain mistake of talking too much instead of just killing the hero. Jack takes off the dead dude’s belt…with his teeth. No wonder Audrey missed him so much.

As Vasili comes over to shoot him, Jack lassos Vasili’s wrist and yanks away his gun and flips him over. Before Vasili can recover, Jack has the gun and caps Vasili. Markov sees this on the security monitor and can’t feel good about his chances at this point. It should be noted that he has his hand bandaged up and it appears he might have re-attached his own pinkie. But with what, super glue? Damn, these Russians are tough.

Downstairs, Jack has taken leave of the hallway in a supply closet. Which has a phone. I don’t know, either. Maybe this is standard in consulates. I don’t have a phone in my closet, though. And I damn sure would install one in the pooper before the closet, but that’s just me. Anyway, Jack uses the phone to call Morris, just as Markov is ordering phone and Internet lines to be cut. The lines are duly cut and Jack has only gotten out, “I know where Gredenko is –” before he’s cut off. Nice going, Jack. Next time, start with the pertinent info.

Logan, his work appearing to be done, has been brought back to his retreat….right? Only it looks a lot like CTU’s antiseptic halls. And it is! Logan is at CTU. For what reason, I do not know. Oh, he’s going to debrief Buchanan. And I cannot ever type that without thinking it’s a dirty term.

Logan learns about the fact that Jack is nailed down at the consulate and that Bill is considering a military approach. Logan beseeches him to reconsider, saying the raid is a mistake and that he thinks he can get through to Russian Prez Suvarov to talk some sense into the senseless, terrorist-cavorting consul he has. Right, that’s likely.

Oh, and how does Logan think he can do this? By having his wife talk to Suvarov’s wife. Seriously? I mean, seriously, writers, this is the best way you could think of to bring Martha Logan back into the fold? Seriously?

So we spend the better part of the hour dealing with the edge-of-your-seat drama surrounding whether or not Martha Logan is too batshit crazy to make a phone call that could save millions of people’s lives. Smattered in there is the appearance of Ricky Schroeder whom I recall wanting to be known as “Rick” when he joined NYPD Blue’s cast but whom I see here is credited as “Ricky.” Hard to take a man named Ricky seriously.

Anyway, he plays Mike Doyle, who Buchanan introduces as “The new head of Field Ops, just in from Fort Bragg.” Wow, that was quick, considering Curtis was just shot dead about eight hours ago and Fort Bragg is in North Carolina. And what does he mean, in from Fort Bragg? Is Doyle a CTU operative or is he an Army man?

Doyle is a douchebag, to put in plainly. He barks out orders and mouths off to Milo Pressman who, really, isn’t a very sympathetic character, either, so it’s hard to root for either of these idiots. Just what we need – a pissing contest during a national crisis.

Doyle is then seen being brusque with the floor staff, including Morris, who in turn gets cheeky right back to him. Doyle, having a small pecker, doesn’t like this and grabs Morris by the throat, asking if he’s got his attention now. Now, if that were me, I’d consider kicking Doyle in the beanbag and I’d only be slightly slowed by the fact that Doyle is armed. Fuckwit.

Doyle then goes into some asshole-ish speech about how soldiers lives are on the line and everyone needs to do what he says. Fair point, but not one that needs to be made to people who work for the Counter Terrorist Unit, especially since one of their own is currently trapped in the Russian consulate and, oh yeah, Mike, you’re replacing a beloved head of field ops who was killed that morning. So save your lecture and posturing, jackhole.

Milo tells him as much, telling him to keep his hands off his people. Doyle seems to agree, but appears to be no less of an assclown. I can’t believe I’m liking Milo over someone. Morris must feel the same was as Milo comments to him, “You thought I was a pain in the ass.” Well, you are a pain in the ass, Milo. Doyle is a douchebag. It’s a sliding scale – let’s keep it straight.

At the White House – or rather, below the White House – VP Daniels and Tom continue their back and forth about whom to blame for the Prez getting blow’d up. And I have to say that Powers Boothe is doing his best with the character of Noah Daniels. He’s blustery, intimidating, arrogant and confident. And sneaky. Sadly, this is probably the most accurate portrayal of a US politician yet on 24. The one thing I can’t see Daniels being good at, though, is campaigning and, well, sucking up. But that was probably Wayne’s job on the campaign trail.

Daniels is also slippery in the way he ropes people into things. Remember how he tried to get Tom on board with not shouting Assad’s innocence from the rooftops? Daniels said, at that time, that he just didn’t want to publicly say Assad had nothing to do with the assassination attempt. Tom has relented this hour and agreed that to get the security measures in place that they both want, he’ll look the other way. Of course, Daniels parlays this into flat-out blaming Assad and as if that wasn’t enough, he also wants Tom to tell the ambassador of Assad’s unnamed Middle Eastern country that he, Tom, saw Assad plant the bomb. Well, that’s a hell of a lot more than “keeping quiet,” don’t you think, Noah? Regardless, Tom eventually complies and we’re treated to a scene with the ambassador being bullied around by yet another US President (his second one today) while Tom looks on. I don’t really see why Tom needed to lie in such a way – if Daniels wanted to play this game with the ambassador, and I’m not saying it was entirely the wrong card to play, why not just lie on your own and say you have “credible evidence” that Assad was at fault? Why must Tom also lie? Seems fishy to me, as though Daniels might have Tom take the fall if it goes FUBAR.

Wrapping up the Daniels angle for this hour, I did enjoy his reaction to the news that Martha Logan might become involved in things. As Bill relayed the ludicrous plan to Daniels about how maybe Martha can maybe convince Anya Suvarov to maybe convince her husband to maybe talk down Markov who maybe will know Gredenko’s location…. well, Daniels laughed mirthlessly, just as any of us would who were suddenly thrust into the Presidency and then got to have our first hour of it consist of approving a marriage counseling session.

Daniels conveys his skepticism by saying that’s about as likely to work as it is likely that the terrorists will “knock on [his] door and surrender.”

His assistant, Lisa, doesn’t bother to check the door.

Bill actually agrees immediately, which I love, and agrees that they should proceed with the military option. Daniels initially doesn’t like that option, either, but recognizes what has to be done to get the info that Jack reportedly has. And for this, I will say that I like Daniels a bit. He may be a bit of a liar and too opportunistic, but it at least appears that he still wants to stop the terrorists, first and foremost.

Ah, so now I have to talk about Martha again, don’t I? I managed to go twelve reviews without her appearing but here she is. But before we see her, we see…Aaron Pierce! Holy moly! Aaron continues his record of managing to appear in every season of 24 thus far, something that only Jack has done (readers, correct me if I’m wrong in the comments).

Earlier, we had learned that Martha Logan had been “institutionalized,” as Bill so delicately put it. I was expecting Bellvue, but she’s apparently at some kind of country club for crazy people. Hell, send me there. We see Aaron – for the first time not in a suit and tie – approaching her place of residence. So is she committed or not? The Fox Website identifies her location as “Meadowcreek, a private retreat for the wealthy undergoing emotional convalescence.” Well, that clears that right up.

Aaron enters and brings her some goodies from “Mel’s” produce market. He also calls her “hon” at one point and we see a picture of them on a table. So are they doing it? Because that’s kind of… well, weird. But I’ve often heard that the crazy ones are the best in bed. Maybe Aaron’s got a freaky side.

Martha gets nearly orgasmic over the fact that Aaron went to “Mel’s,” and he announces this to her with a non-Aaron-like, “I also went to Melllllllllls…” Martha nibbles on some of the berries and gushes, “What would I do without Mel’s produce?” No word yet on what she’s been doing with Aaron’s “produce.”

But then Martha feeds Aaron a berry and it’s kind of…creepy. So I guess they’re definitely doing it. But does Aaron live there with her? Or does he just swing by for conjugal visits? Is he still in the Secret Service? I’m just brimming with questions.

Whatever the situation, Martha looks bedraggled as the phone rings and Aaron answers it with “Martha Logan’s Bungalow,” which sounds like a good name for a B&B, doesn’t it? Chaz Logan identifies himself and asks for Martha. Pierce has a good time telling him she isn’t interested and is, not for the first time, put between the Logans. Martha refuses to talk to him and Pierce relays this info, more than once. Logan says it’s about the Suvarovs and this gets Martha’s attention. She takes the phone and learns about what Charles wants her to do. Eventually, she can’t talk to him anymore and drops the phone, which Aaron picks up. I imagine Aaron picks up after Martha a lot in this relationship. Logan somehow convinces Aaron to help coordinate a meet, using the line, “Aaron, you know I wouldn’t play games on a day like today.” Wait, he does? Charles Logan? Play games? You mean, like subverting the government, organizing the hit of a former President, supplying nerve gas to terrorists…that sort of game-playing? Or does he mean like Backgammon? Maybe that’s it: Charles is insisting he wants to come over for something more important than a spirited game of Backgammon.

Anyway, Charles heads her way and says he’s coming via helicopter. Making yourself comfortable with demands again, aren’t you Charles?

Back at the consulate, Jack sneaks up on a couple of lovebird co-workers and demands the male lovebird goes and fetches Jack a working phons – a SatFone, as it were. And that’s about all Jack does for the rest of the episode. That and grimace in pain. From what? The kidney punch Markov gave him last hour? Or the tumble down the stairs at the beginning of this hour? Or was it the knife that was buried in your shoulder in the first hour, Jack? Hard to say.

Logan arrives at Shadymeadowfarmbookcreek and hustles up to Martha Logan’s Bungalo, premiering this Fall on Fox!

Charles actually has the cojones to reach out to shake Aaron’s hand. The same Aaron Pierce that Logan ordered murdered to keep him quiet last season. Aaron, predictably, ignores the handshake offering and leads Logan inside Martha’s bungalow. And no, that’s not a euphemism.

Inside, Martha slams her door like the petulant child we all remember. Aaron tries to retrieve her but she doesn’t want to talk to Charles. While Charles and Aaron go back and forth, Martha again changes her crazy-ass mind and appears in her doorway, observing, “You’ve lost weight.” Charles and Aaron stare back at her, perhaps befuddled as to whether the crazy woman they both love is talking to either one of them, the Secret Service agent behind them, or the goldfish in the aquarium.

Logan lays out the stakes and asks Martha to make the call to Anya to convince her to convince Yuri to convince Markov to surrender so that CTU can convince Markov to convince Gredenko to convince Fayed to convince his legions of followers to stand down. Got all that? Sounds simple enough, right? Sheesh.

Martha asks Aaron what she should do, which was a nice touch I thought and shows how much she relies on him, and Aaron says he thinks she should make the call. I don’t really get all this big decision crap. Logan’s not asking for a personal favor and I wish Aaron had pointed that out to Martha. It’s the country in general and Los Angeles in particular that needs the favor. Logan’s just the messenger. And a poorly-chosen messenger, but Jack can’t do everything. And since he’s trapped in the consulate with no means to communicate, he can’t tell Bill how to do his job, either. Thus, Logan was allowed on his second field trip of the day.

And now, in a touch of reality, the US cannot get Anya on the phone because she’s giving a speech somewhere in Russia. Logan wants her interrupted but that’s not happening so Logan, Pierce and Martha get to have tea and wait together. Awkward!

Martha goads Charles by asking if it’s hard for him to see her with another man. Knowing Aaron could kill him with his pinkie, Logan admits this is indeed the case but that he’s happy for her. And to his credit, he hasn’t been very antagonistic in his visit. Martha keeps pecking away at him, even throwing some of Mel’s famous produce in Charles’ face, earning her an “Enough!” from Aaron. And all Charles does is keep saying the right things and not being as much of an ass as he’s been in the past.

Martha is clearly going through a slow-to-quick boil and she gathers up the dirty plates and the GIANT knife she was using earlier (and which I thought she was going to cut herself with) and heads to the kitchen. She gets a bit past her ex-husband and seems to realize she has an opportunity here. She wheels around and very deftly sinks the kitchen knife deep into Charles’ right shoulder, somewhere around his collarbone. He looks shocked immediately and pulls it out (eek!) and is tended to by Aaron as Martha screeches like she’s on Grey’s Anatomy in the background. Aaron, professional as always, tries to stem the bleeding and bellows for a medic. I wonder if they brought one along.

Pierce relays this news to Buchanan and it looks like the already slim hope of persuading the Russians to behave themselves is slipping away. However, Martha (who doesn’t understand why she’s handcuffed after ridding the world of her criminal ex) pulls her shit together and talks to Anya. She gives Anya the dish and Anya says, “Tell me more.”

And apparently Martha talks fast and Anya is a coherent sponge when it comes to sopping up intel and making a judgement call in a hurry. Because like a minute later, Suvarov is on the horn to Markov, telling him to stand down. Markov, the ballsy bitch, refuses and actually hangs up on the Russian Prez. Not cool, Markov, not cool. See if you get your shipment of Popov this month.

Suvarov, who we’ve all loved since he first showed up, calls Bill Buchanan and relays what happened. Now, I kind of expected him to put up some kind of request to still try to do this diplomatically since, you know, this impending siege is all based on the word of Jack Bauer. But we all know how Jack is with his word, so I guess Suvarov is convinced. He personally gives the green light to take his consulate by force. Although I have to wonder if he knew that meant the US soldiers would go in shooting and mow down any Russian in their path. If word of this gets out, it’d be hard to imagine Suvarov being President for another term once he’s labeled as having sanctioned the murder of his own soldiers. Which he kind of just did.

Doyle’s team, as mentioned, makes short work of the overmatched Russians. There’s an impressive shootout scene, as automatic weapons are fired all over the place during daylight hours in what I am assuming is downtown Los Angeles.

Doyle and Jack meet in the room where Jack’s been hiding and Jack tells them Gredenko’s location in the desert. Hell, after all the shit that’s gone on in the Mojave over the years, I think maybe there should be a CTU location there. CTU Mojave.

We close the hour with Logan’s ambulance screaming along the deserted road. There’s one EMT in the back and one driving and apparently no Secret Service. And like I said, the bus looked to be traveling without an escort of black sedans so, hey, nice security detail. As they’re driving, Logan calls Martha’s name with what might be his last word as his heart monitor begins to flatline. It’s possible that he just yanked off the electrode that monitors his heart but I don’t think so.

Season 6; Hour Twelve (5:00PM - 6:00PM)

2007-03-09T17:34:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 5 Mar 2007
Reviewer: J

And we now reach the halfway point of Season Six with something of a different-feeling episode. There was a lot of back and forth including characters we don’t know at all or very well and that gave this hour a very different feel, in my opinion. So let’s get to it.

We pick up with the aftermath of the explosion which cost the lives of some nameless Secret Service agents as well as Assad. This feels kind of cheap since we all know Assad was a bit deeper than the typical 24-land Islamic terrorist. Kind of reminds me of Yusuf. Remember him? The last man of middle eastern descent that wasn’t completely evil?

Wayne is brought into surgery but at a rate of speed that seems slower than the typical activity on a show like ER. Not sure why it jumped out at me but it just seemed like they weren’t in as much of a hurry as they should have been.

Over at Camp David Palmer, Jack and Logan finally get around the leaving in their snappy suits. You know, it’s not like there’s the potential of another nuke going off any frickin’ minute, right? Oh, wait, there is! Anyway, Jack and Logan get into a limo and Jack learns about the attempt on Wayne’s life, to which Logan reacts with the appropriate horror. Kind of like he did when he learned of David’s assassination.

Back at the bunker – which has apparently been deemed “secure” again by the Secret Service – the Secretary of Defense (not Heller) is telling the conferenced-in VP Noah Daniels about the sitch and how things don’t look great for Wayne right now. As such, Daniels will become, like, the 15th President to hold office for at least part of a day in the last ten years. I’ve lost track. One thing I did find interesting in this hour was that Daniels was never sworn in as President and continued to be referred to as “Mr. Vice President.” Two seasons ago, when Keeler was shot down, Logan was sworn in as the #1 man. It doesn’t really matter but it’s something I noticed.

Anyway, the Secretary of Defense (who is played by the warden from The Shawshank Redemption) questions Reed as to Lennox’s whereabouts and he uses the line I was kind of expecting him to use: “Where the hell is Tom Lennox?” Hee. Reed, basically out of bullshit excuses besides “He’s taking a massive dump, Mr. Secretary,” says he doesn’t know where Tom is. The Secretary finally notifies the SS that Lennox is “missing” and to do a sweep of the bunker and look for him. The Secret Service does not ask if they should check the holes in the briefing room.

We’re then treated to a weird scene in the boiler room wherein Reed refuses to let Carson kill Lennox. Reed thinks he’s able to talk Lennox into keeping quiet and implementing his security measures under the new acting President. Lennox at first continues to be bitchy (smart, Tom, with a guy across the room who has no qualms about murdering you) but eventually gets cagey and tacitly agrees to be quiet.

And just in time, too, as three agents are right outside the room and see the three men come out of the Boiler Room of Illicit Sexual Escapades. I mean, that’s the only logical explanation for this room having easy, direct access to the main hallway and yet not being a room with any security measures or a place where anyone would look for missing chiefs of staff.

Lennox at first looks like he’s going to go along with things and tells the agents that he’s okay. Then he casts a withering glare at Reed and turns in the two-man conspiracy. Reed looks hurt. Carson looks gobsmacked. Whatever, guys, did you really think he wasn’t going to say anything?

To his credit, and also showing he has an idea of how things work, Lennox remands himself into custody as well and asks to speak with the Attorney General.

At the airport, Daniels has landed from wherever he was flying in from and immediately gets on the horn to Buchanan to find out why the hell Logan’s out on the loose. Buchanan assures Daniels that “one of our agents” is chaperoning Logan’s field trip. Interesting choice of words, Buchanan. Is Jack really one of your agents? Better think that one through, although I guess he doesn’t have much choice, just like anything with Jack. Daniels orders that Logan be put back in his playpen as soon as CTU is done with him. Instead of…what? Going to Chuck E Cheese?

Speaking of Logan, he and Jack get to the Russian consulate and in they go. Logan insists on speaking to Markov alone and Jack pissily agrees to it. Logan and Markov act like they’re old friends and let me just say that Anatoli Markov looks the part of an old-time, cold war Soviet. He offers Logan a cigar and then cuts the tip off his own (cigar, that is) with a handy cigar cutter. Hmm, wonder if we’ll see that device again. Logan implies that Markov knows where Gredenko is and repeatedly asks for this information, even going so far as to hint at implicating Markov in last season’s Sentox nerve gas fiasco. Markov is visibly pissed and continues to deny any knowledge of the rogue Gredenko, saying they had a lover’s spat – err, falling out. Or something like that. Logan eventually backs down and thanks Markov for his hospitality and leaves. Wow, great work, Charles.

Outside, he tells Jack that he thinks Markov is lying about things and that he definitely knows where Gredenko. I don’t know where Logan got his criminal psychology degree but maybe it was during his time under house arrest in between beard trimmings.

Turns out Logan is right as Markov is already on the horn warning Gredenko about the nosy Americans, all poking around about nukes going off on their soil and all. And let me just ask this, too – if Markov knows that there are plans in place to nuke a lot of America and that this includes Los Angeles (as evidenced by this morning), why isn’t he a bit more eager to get out of town? Or does the Russian consulate have immunity against nuclear radiation?

Outside the consulate grounds, Jack asks the driver to pull over so he can hop the fence and sneak back into the consulate. What, did he realize he has to pee? Jack calls Chloe and has her get moving on arranging to blip the power at the consulate for 60 seconds so he can slip in undetected. Logan is aghast at Jack’s plan to infiltrate yet another consulate and echoes what we’ve all been saying, pointing out how he just did some hard time in a hard place for a similar violation. Jack ignores him and heads out. So this is twice now that Jack has done this and both times Logan has been vehemently and vocally against it.

We get our first glimpse of Karen Hayes in the last few hours and it turns out that she didn’t pass Assad’s plane in somewhere over Iowa. Instead, she’s been sitting at Andrews Air Force Base waiting for her plane. When she hears from Buchanan that Wayne’s down, she decides to head back to the bunker to help out. With what, Karen? You gonna bring a hammer to help put the briefing podium back together?

At the Blow’d Up Bunker, Daniels walks into the room where Lennox is being questioned by a suspicious Secret Service agent. What’s interesting is that he does make the fair point that Lennox probably should have notified Secret Service as soon as Reed first intimated the assassination attempt. Which is definitely, absolutely, positively true. Lennox claims he didn’t have any evidence but if someone even discusses assassinating the President, I believe that’s grounds for detainment. And you’d think Tom would understand that, given that his now-famous security plan hinges on arresting people for no more good reason than the color of their skin. Where’s the evidence there, Tom? See the parallel everyone? Good.

Anyway, Daniels talks to Lennox alone. Lennox refers to the VP as “Noah,” so I guess they’re buddies. Daniels basically agrees to clear Tom of the charges as long as he doesn’t go blathering that Assad was set up. This is an interesting conundrum to put Tom in. Tom never did trust Assad and he really is the architect of the security measures that Daniels wants to implement and they definitely would go into place a bit easier if Assad was public enemy number one. But Tom is again struggling with the morality of all this since he knows that Assad was innocent and was set up by Carson and Reed. Oh, the shenanigans of politics.

Speaking of shenanigans, back at the Russian consulate, Jack busts in and coldcocks Markov, who still manages to hit the panic button. Jack readily admits through the locked door that he has Markov hostage and for the Russian security detail to not come in. Jack, realizing he’s fucked, calls CTU to tell Bill what he’s done. Oh, nice position to put Bill in, Jack. Buchanan already told you that you had no jurisdiction there, putz. Whatever.

Buchanan lets the White House know and Daniels rolls his eyes but doesn’t outright condemn the actions. I think I’m secretly liking Daniels a lot more than I’m supposed to. And this enjoyment of Daniels only increases when he gets a call from Russian President Suvarov (hey, remember him from last year?! Nice continuity!) while he’s talking to Buchanan. Daniels’ look is kind of priceless as he realizes the uncomfortable conversation he’s about to have. He tells Bill he’s got to go and that he doesn’t know how long he can hold off the Russians. I liked this because it’s a lot different from the out-and-out freak-out that Logan would have had last year or the year before.

Daniels gets on the phone with Suvarov who, to his own credit, doesn’t scream at Daniels about the consulate sovereignty breach, but rather suggests the very reasonable suggestion that Jack should stand down and this should be handled diplomatically. Of course, there is the pressing issue of the nukes so I guess that justifies Jack’s actions. Which makes me wonder, how is Jack when there’s not a major threat to the United States going on? Does he go to his local cable company office and torture the people until he gets HBO? Building on that idea, wouldn’t you like to have Jack with you at your state’s department of motor vehicles? But I digress.

At the consulate, Markov is being beaten to a pulp by Jack, who has definitely gotten back his taste for torture. Markov keeps insisting he doesn’t know squat about Gredenko, even when Jack puts Markov’s pinkie finger in the aforementioned cigar cutter and – SNIP – takes it off. Aieee!!! That kind of stuff makes me actually flinch when I’m watching. Markov screams but doesn’t give in. Of course, then Jack threatens to kill Markov straight out with his gun and Markov spills the beans: Gredenko is in the high desert and is in the process of launching drone planes to distribute the nukes to strategic targets in the US. Jack goes white and gives the snickering Markov another punch in the chops.

Of course, before Jack can get this info to CTU, the Russian security team blows the doors and knocks Jack out, not for the first time today. Markov is more than a little pissed and I’m surprised he doesn’t go get his cigar cutter for retribution use. His security dude, by the way, is named Vasili. Russian for “Vaseline”? Who’s to know?

At CTU, we see Morris for his only scene of the hour and he seems to have gotten his shit back together. He has interrupted some communication from the Russian consulate and he reports that they’re saying their have an American agent in custody. Knowing this can’t be anyone besides Jack (because, for as good as he is, nobody gets pinched as much as Jack), Buchanan appears hesitant for a moment but then decides to hold off on telling Daniels about this just yet. Really? Wow, Bill doesn’t follow any procedures anymore. No, instead he asks his crew to put together a special ops team so that they can be prepared to take the Russian consulate by force if they need to. Good idea. Tell Curtis to – oh, wait, that’s right. I’m actually wondering if we’ll eventually see Buchanan in field action soon. According to his profile, he began as a field agent originally. In New York, of all places.

As we close the hour, Jack pleads with a Russian consulate agent to simply report to CTU LA that Gredenko is in the Mojave Desert (that damn Mojave again!) and is ready to launch drone planes with the nukes aboard. Skeptical Russian is skeptical but eventually is convinced to give it a go. Jack recites the number he needs to call to get to Bill Buchanan… and it’s Logan’s cell number! Oh, wait, I guess we’re not supposed to know that.

Anyway, Skeptical Russian goes to call Buchanan but makes the critical movie/TV mistake of not closing the door behind him AND keeping his back to the door. Vasili slips in behind him and blows his brains out before he can get Bill on the line. Not nice, Vasili.

So Gredenko and/or Fayed have a man inside the Russian consulate besides Markov? Wow, these guys are thorough. Speaking of Fayed, he’s apparently stopped off for a beer because we don’t see him this hour.

Damn good hour – looking forward to what comes next.

Season 6; Hour Eleven (4:00PM - 5:00PM)

2007-03-02T07:17:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 26 Feb 2007
Reviewer: J

Hour Eleven; The Return of Logan.

Only it wasn’t nearly that exciting. We pick up with Gredenko being evil at some airplane area and seething about how the Arabs and the West will destroy each other. I’m not really sure that’s true. In fact, I think it’s a lot more likely that if the “Arabs and the West” truly went to war, there’d be something of a scorched Earth policy in place akin to what I described a few reviews back. That is, we’d scorch their Earth. But that’s neither here nor there. Gredenko is a Russian villain straight out of 1985. I’m bored with him.

What we do know is that Logan is back in the mix. He’s confined to his retreat in “Hidden Valley” California, the place we referred to last season as “Camp David Palmer.” It’s almost jarring to see the images from the retreat and the white, split-rail fence and the stables where Martha hid last year from Aaron. Speaking of Aaron, I hope he’s not still assigned to this post. And on the subject of Aaron, if it came out how Logan had planned to have Aaron killed, I wonder how eager the current Secret Service men will be to throw themselves in front of bullets for the deposed President. All questions that will have to be answered another time or, more likely, never.

We learn that the President somehow brokered a deal where he was never publicly exposed as the traitor and murderer that he kind of was. The public doesn’t know that he was involved with terrorists or the nerve gas or any of that. Which makes me wonder how his removal from office was explained. I did like how Jack learned about this and was more than a little bit pissed off… what’s neat is that because we don’t see much of what goes on between seasons, we’re learning the current situations just as Jack is.

At Camp David Palmer, Jack and Logan have an interesting exchange, during which I remembered how much I loved having Greg Itzin’s acting on the show. He really makes Logan Logan and I was enjoying him immediately, even if the need for him on this season is kind of contrived.

I enjoyed Jack smirking at Logan when Logan said he just wanted to help them with their investigation along with his “I’m listening.” I also like that they’re doing their best to tie this season into last season. Graem, Gredenko, Logan, Phillip Bauer… all supposedly connected to last season’s plot. Graem and Logan are really the bridge to it and the writers are doing a good job of cobbling it together as they go. Because you know they are.

Logan explains that the Russian Consul General, a Russky named Markov, is connected to Gredenko and that Logan can exploit him because of his involvement in the conspiracy last season. Logan didn’t give him up so he expects to use this against Makov. Frankly, to save his own ass, I have a hard time imagining Logan not giving people up freely, but then I harken back to last year when Charles was ready to commit suicide in order to protect Graem and others in the Bluetooth Gang. So maybe Charles is indeed deeper than the nearest puddle.

Jack doesn’t like where this is headed but agrees to talk to Wayne about things. Wayne has to grant the temporary furlough for Logan and obviously has some reservations about doing so. The phone exchange between Logan and Wayne was one of the chill moments of the season, I thought. Logan reminds Wayne – and all of us – about two seasons ago when David Palmer came to the bunker to help out the floundering Logan. And Wayne points out that he repaid that help by having David killed. Logan claims to only want to help the situation and to help Wayne’s Presidency much like David helped his. This rings bit hollow to Wayne (and everyone else with a heart and brain) but Wayne grants the brief release. Which makes me wonder who the hell agree to this sequestering of Logan in the first place. It couldn’t possibly be Wayne, who must have wanted Logan in a jail cell.

In our current round-and-round-we-go plot, Morris is still fighting the urge to get hammered at work. Morris, I feel you, man. Chloe does some snooping and calls his AA sponsor, who turns out to be the wrong one, she storms in on Morris taking a deuce in the mens’s room…blah blah blah. Morris manages to defend himself but then dumps out his whiskey bottle. So he was hitting the bottle? He wasn’t? He was about to? I can’t quite tell. What we can tell is that Nadia thinks Morris is a liability but Bill agrees to keep Morris on his tasks – for now. After all, Nadia has restrictions because she’s got a middle eastern background, Milo has a hole in his arm and Chloe is…well, Chloe. So who the hell else is going to do Morris’ tasks? One of these extras milling around?

At the bunker, the WASPY Carson (“Bruce” Carson, according to the Fox Website) is apparently also good at assembling bombs. What is he, exactly? A policy advisor who is a quick stuffy at building bombs out of tape recorders and highlighters? I’d say he’s more MacGuyver than policy wonk. Or maybe he’s both. Maybe we should put Carson on a ballot. In addition to his practical skills, he’s got helmet hair and is dashingly, Duke-lacrosse-team handsome. Heh.

Tom Lennox is chained to a pole in a rather compromised position for a chief of staff. Wayne keeps asking about Lennox’s whereabouts and Reed keeps running interference. You’d think this would eventually alert someone that there’s an issue. Like, oh, I don’t know, the Secret Service agent whom Tom called and said he HAD to see him. I mean, I know that missive was cancelled but still.

Carson, cold-blooded Washington insider that he is, wants to kill Lennox and make it look like a suicide. Reed defends Lennox and tries to persuade Carson not to do this since he thinks they can get Lennox to come around once the VP is in power. Wait, did someone hit Reed in the head with a Maglite, too? What does Tom have to do to prove he’s going to rat them out? Shit, Reed, you can’t really still be hoping for a reference, can you?

Carson and Reed talk some more about being patriots throughout this episode. Wait, they play for the New England Patriots? I’m not sure tom Brady would approve of this President-killing nonsense. Wait, he means the other kind of patriots. The kinds that will kill the US President in a demonstration of their patriotism. Oh, those kinds.

Reed is having clear hangups about killing the President and possibly killing Tom, which means to me that he’s not long for this world. But we’ll see. He does regain his resolve enough to get into the press briefing room and plant the tape recorder bomb in the podium. I did like Tom’s slight look of “What the hell’s he doing there?” as he entered the room and saw Reed behind the podium looking shifty. Naturally, the Secret Service looked into this. Only they didn’t.

Poor Assad, who’s being set up to take the blame for all of this and just a few hours ago was operating quietly at his house in L.A., has a nice moment with Wayne where the two appear to be forming a bond. Of course they are. Because one of them’s about to die.

This episode was notable for the limited amount of Jack it contained. After his initial convo with Logan and then Wayne, Jack spent the rest of the hour at Camp David Palmer getting into a sharp suit so he could enter the Russian Consulate disguised as one of Logan’s Secret Service agents. I guess they happened to have a 38 Short suit with 26 inch pants on hand.

Oh, and the consulate? Really, Jack? You really think that’s the best idea? When he pitched the plan to Bill, Bill understated that they “don’t have jurisdiction there.” Um, yeah, Bill, if there’s one person who knows that I think it’s Jack. As always, this doesn’t deter Jack. And why would it? How much worse could a Russian prison be from a Chinese prison?

While Logan’s getting ready in his own room, he looks at a picture of him and Martha longingly. Oh, jesus, just the vision of Martha is making me shudder. I hope she’s off making sweet love to Aaron somewhere. Somewhere far away.

Back at the bunker, we have the climactic scene of the hour. Wayne demonstrates for us why he’s not worried about Tom – he thinks Tom’s just being petulant in his disagreement with the President’s policies which is actually kind of accurate. Reed assures him Tom will be there for the speech, although I’m not sure why Wayne is so hell-bent on this. Does Tom normally blow Wayne kisses while Wayne’s on the air to make him feel loved? Does he remind Wayne to smile and angle his head just right so the light glints off it in a Presidential way?

Assad steps up to the podium to give it a whirl and Reed slips out and punches in the activation code to a PDA that Carson rigged up for him. Assad, ever-alert, notes the explosive liquid running down the podium and sees the blinking tape recorder. He yells “bomb!” just before it goes off but wouldn’t it have been funny if it was just a regular tape recorder? Everyone would have freaked for nothing. But it’s not a regular tape recorder. It’s one that you probably cannot get at Staples. It explodes and it looks like there are casualties. Sure enough, agents are down and so is Assad. In fact, so it the President, whom we learn is code-named “Citadel.” He’s alive, but conscious? Not so much.

If you’re waiting for a final set of split-screens and a last scene, you’re out of luck. We end on Wayne being down and knowing this probably means VP Daniels will take office, possibly just as he’s landing in D.C. (Unless he’s on one of those Keeler-length flights.)

Will Daniels wonder where Tom is? Will Reed turn himself in? Will Jack be involved in the death of another consul general? Will he use Agent Bern on this mission since Bern has experience with consul raids? Will Carson’s hair move?

We’ll find out, maybe, next week.

Season 6; Hour Ten (3:00PM - 4:00PM)

2007-02-22T08:13:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 19 Feb 2007
Reviewer: J

Could it be that we just had our third straight episode without Sandra or Walid? Is it possible that the writers of 24 have decided, “The hell with it. Let’s abandon the stupid storylines nobody cares about and just focus on CTU, Jack, the terror threat and the President.”? I suppose it is possible but really not likely. Especially with how this hour ends.

But before we get to that, let’s talk about what an awesome hour this was. Scanning the Internet, I think I was in the minority in thinking last week’s double-dip was excellent so who knows what people thought about this week. I happened to enjoy it again, mainly because I’ve suspended my disbelief somewhere in orbit over Jupiter and I’m no longer questioning the wacky-ass things that are happening within Jack’s family. Phillip Bauer is willing to kill his son(s) and threaten the life of his grandson in order to protect his company? Sure, let’s go with it. Jack and Marilyn have a history that up until now has been unmentioned? Sure! I mean, we know Jack was with Teri at least 17 years or so, right? Kim was 16 in Season One. And the show’s lifespan has been about ten years in 24-universe, meaning that we’d have to go back twenty-seven years to find the time when Jack wasn’t with Teri. Is that when he and Marilyn had their thing? Because Rena Sofer is only 37 years old so that would have made her ten which is kind of To Catch a Predator. So I guess Jack had a thing with Marilyn while he was with Teri. Stud. Wait! There I go trying to apply logic again! Dammit!

We pick up Hour Ten with Milo and Marilyn on the run from Phillip’s men. The Fox Website says the lead commando/henchman (the one with the speaking part) is named “Hacker.” Come on. I guess it was too dorky to name a computer hacker Hacker, so they gave it to a gunman? What’s Phillip’s computer hacker’s name? Shooter?

Anyway, they get Marilyn and Milo pinned down behind a dumpster and Milo tells her to run when he provides cover fire. Aside from hiding behind a dumpster instead of staying on the move and heading into, you know, a more populated area than an alley, Milo’s doing okay here. He’s not a field agent (to our knowledge) and yet he seems to have an idea of what to do.

True to his word, he bravely puts down cover fire with the one magazine of ammo he took with the pistol (I can’t tell for sure if he hits anyone but I don’t think so) and Marilyn freezes like a helpless Bond girl and doesn’t go anywhere. Milo gets winged in the arm and is more than a little pissed that it’s for nothing since Marilyn didn’t get away. Hacker and the Hackettes are about to execute Milo (Jesus, take no prisoners, huh Phillip?) when Jack arrives on the scene and guns them down. He also gets Hacker to disarm himself, pointing out that he would have killed Marilyn already if that was his charge. Well, they hadn’t killed Milo yet, had they Jack? Neither here nor there.

I like how Jack gives Milo a cursory examination and tells him he’ll be fine. I’d be like, “Shitfuck, Jack! This HURTS!”

Jack does his patented, interrogation-by-the-throat technique on Marilyn and she admits the truth about Phillip having Josh held hostage. Jack is gobsmacked and chides himself for being “so stupid.” Well, yeah, on this one anyway.

Jack recovers long enough to check in with CTU and tell Bill where they need teams. Marilyn has given up the exact address of Grendenko’s house – the house she vaguely might remember if driven by it – and Jack suggests a team be dispatched there. Well, okay, but what if she’s got the address wrong by a digit or two? Some already jittery neighbors will probably crap themselves, what with houses blowing up and nukes going off all around them.

Jack then asks Bill for a smaller team for himself at the hotel where Phillip is. When Bill asks for more info and seems pretty steadfast in refusing to take Jack’s orders without getting it, Jack simply apologizes and says “It’s personal” and then hangs up. Yeah, Jack, that’ll surely get you support from Bill. Oh, and is it just now personal? Like, more than when your brother tried to have you killed and you then interrogated him to death?

Back at CTU, we have the ongoing storyline of Morris’ PTSD angling for “silly plot of the week.” Morris is still morose and Chloe again pokes him with a stick. Nadia comes by and announces that Milo will probably be up for a commendation as he held three hostiles at bay “single-handedly.” Is that a joke about his arm, Nadia? And, really, he didn’t hold them at bay so much as run like a girl after driving like an imbecile and then getting himself cornered. But, hey, if by “held them at bay” you mean “had his ass saved by Jack” then sure, I guess he did. But in reality, he was about to be shot when Jack saved the day. Which is exactly what happened to Morris. Well, that plus Morris triggered three more kilotons of nuclear disaster. So, yeah, I guess it’s different.

Morris sees my point and accuses Nadia of rubbing salt in his wounds. She gives him a terrific bitch-stare and moves right along. Morris claims to need to go for a walk. I assumed he meant around the compound that is CTU but we learn eventually that he meant out in Los Angeles. Which is odd to me because Morris is clearly suffering some traumatic stress issues and the last time he left the cozy confines of CTU he was apprehended and tortured. Plus, I don’t know about you, but I’d be asking where the hell my Jaguar convertible was at this point.

Back at the alleyway, Jack has Hacker tell Phillip that he has Marilyn who in turn refuses to tell them Grendenko’s location without first getting Josh back. Got all that? There’s a lot of pseudo-drama and back-and-forth but eventually Phillip realizes he’s on a timeframe and wants to get to Gredenko so he relents and provides the hotel location where he is. I did like Phillip suggesting he and Marilyn and Josh could attempt to salvage whatever is left of their family after this is all done. Right.

Of course, during all this, Phillip is careless enough to let Josh overhear that he’s willing to kill him (Josh) and so he makes a Kim Bauer-ish escape attempt, replete with stammering, lame excuses and furtive glances. Phillip almost seems to let him go downstairs before stopping him by brandishing a gun and telling Josh that nobody’s life is worth everything he’s built. Does that include Lego battleships and the like?

Back at the White House bunker, Tom Lennox has handed over the President’s itinerary and Reed is now asking for Tom to grant access to the bunker by some security specialist who will carry out Wayne’s assassination and then they’ll pin it on Assad. Like that wasn’t obvious. Tom looks sickened by this and I’m still hoping at this point that Tom will turn out to be an okay guy but my faith is getting weaker.

On the streets of Los Angeles, Morris wanders into a store and buys a pint of whiskey and some breath mints and goes outside to have himself a good slug of whiskey. And damn does he down nearly the whole pint at once. He then forces himself to vomit it back up, something I wouldn’t have had to force myself to do. Chloe picks this time to call him and, unlike me, Morris answers his cell phone and says he’s on his way back but that without his car it might take a while. Only he doesn’t say that last part.

We switch back to the parking garage of the hotel Phillip and Josh are at and Jack is telling Marilyn to put on a bulletproof vest “under her clothes.” Jack, you sly dog, I’ll have to try that method of getting a woman to take off her shirt sometime. Do you have any flak pants?

Jack politely turns his back but Marilyn dawdles because it looks like she wants him to watch. Jack eventually complies and comes over to help button up her blouse. How tender. And how backwards of what Jack obviously has experience doing in the past. He even tenderly caresses her face. Wouldn’t this be the perfect time for Audrey to show up? Just, you know, to happen to be staying at that hotel?

Back at the PrezBunker, Reed and Tom are (yet again) meeting secretly in the boiler room. Doesn’t anyone notice them in the hallway? Or is this where all homosexual encounters among those in the White House take place?

Lennox delays about the guy Reed wants to gain access to the bunker but says it’s in the works. This is where I finally began to have hope again that Tom’s conscience would come around. Reed departs and Tom decides to make an ill-advised phone call from the one unmonitored room in the bunker. Well-played, Tom. He calls the Secret Service (not Aaron, unfortunately) and says he’s coming to meet with the ranking agent on site. He whips open the door and is immediately cold-cocked in the melon by Reed, who is wielding a flashlight like a SWAT baton. Tom hits the floor and groggily tells Reed nothing justified killing a President. I like to assume that Tom wasn’t certain this was the path Reed was heading down and that maybe Tom was holding out hope that Reed had some sort of plan to remove the President with underhanded but not deadly means. But when he learned of the plan to out-and-out kill the President, he knew he had to act. But who knows. Point is, he’s out of play now and I have to wonder how long the Chief of Staff could be missing before a search would happen. I guess we’ll find out.

At CTU, Chloe can smell the whiskey that Morris had pass through his lips twice. He begs her not to rat him out and she complies. More swell judgment at CTU. I think maybe Morris should be sent home. Or to a holding tank. Milo also suspects it and Chloe gets Milo to agree not to rat Morris out, either. So now Milo knows about Morris being a drunk and is keeping quiet for Chlose, has broken security guidelines in the hopes of getting into Nadia’s lacy black (just guessing) underthings, and has literally taken a bullet for Marilyn. If he doesn’t get some ass out of this, you know he’s going to be pissed.

At Phillip’s hotel room, there’s nobody there. And that’s because Phillip is nobody’s fool and knows not to underestimate Jack, whom he thought was dead but whatever. He calls the phone in the room and reveals that he’s across the street on a rooftop. “Bomb the building,” Jack doesn’t say.

Jack offers himself up in trade for Josh. My, that’s magnanimous of you, Jack. Could it be that Josh is actually your offspring? I think it’s possible. Kim will be so thrilled to have a brother almost as dippy as herself.

Jack proceeds with the exchange and it goes off according to the agreement. Phillip lets Josh Bauer go and, in coming unarmed, Jack gave his gun to Marilyn. I thought at this point that Marilyn might come in and save Jack but no, she has what she wants and takes off with Josh to parts unknown. Bye, Marilyn.

Jack and Phillip have a discussion wherein Phillip admits that Gredenko began blackmailing him when he found out about Phillip’s role in David Palmer’s assassination. Wait, what? What did Phillip have to do with it? So he was the mastermind behind the mastermind (Graem) we thought was behind things last year? But what purpose did killing Palmer serve? Oh, right, to make the first hour of last season rather gripping. That’s right.

Phillip lays on some more guilt about how none of this would have happened if Jack had worked for the family. Really? That’s kind of shitty, Phil, and hey, why not take some responsibility for what happened instead of putting it on Jack who, up until a day ago, was rotting in a Chinese prison.

Anyway, Jack is put on his knees, Chappelle-style, and it looks like Phillip’s about to execute his own son which is just insane. It’s at this point that my fiancée turns to me and says, “Jack signed another contract, right??” I think it’s funny when her questioned is so frantic that she meshes the fictional Jack with the real-life world of television.

Jack tries to have a final heartfelt moment with his father, telling him he never wanted to turn his back on the family and just had to go his own way. Like Journey. What I don’t get is why is Jack trying to make his father feel better when Phil’s about to effin’ execute him? Eventually, though, Jack bravely says, “anyway, I’m ready.” To die, we are to presume. When there’s no blast, Jack figures he’s invincible. Or not. He turns around the Phillip is gone, vanished like a fart in the wind.

Jack bolts outside but apparently Phillip committed suicide by jumping off the building and his cellie fell out of his pocket and landed on the ledge of the building. Only you know he didn’t. I’m just being flippant.

The cell phone is there, though, and it’s a good thing that Jack A) notices it, and B) doesn’t accidentally fumble it off the rooftop. It’s got a message on it that telling him to call a number. The cell number for Behrooz’ dead girlfriend’s mom from a couple seasons back. Wow, that’s weird.

Oh, wait, it’s not her number anymore. Apparently it’s been reassigned and is now a cell number for a former President of the United States. Clinton? No, it’s Charles Logan, looking like a mountain man and also looking distinctly like he’s not in prison. Unless prison cells have gotten a lot bigger and more luxurious. Hell, it’s California, who knows?

Okay, so Logan is now back in the mix so that means my fantasy that he was what Wayne traded for Jack is certainly not true. So maybe Wayne gave China his baseball card collection or ownership rights to Ellis Island. I don’t know.

What I do know is that it’s always fun to have Logan around but I’m hard-pressed to believe he can help in he current mess. But we’ll see.

Can Mike Novick, Martha Logan or Aaron Pierce be far behind?

Season 6; Hour Nine (2:00PM - 3:00PM)

2007-02-16T17:54:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 12 Feb 2007
Reviewer: J

Annnnnnd, we’re right back. We learn from the previouslies that Fayed said to Morris, “You will do what I want – it’s just a question of how much pain you are willing to take.” Fayed’s a big fan of this idiom, “it’s just a question of…” And also? He didn’t say that comment to Morris last hour…at least not onscreen. But whatever. I shouldn’t analyze the previouslies so closely.

We open the hour with Fayed riding in his chopper (we also end the previouslies with this, even though it wasn’t shown last hour, either; shut up, previouslies) and, presumably, wondering why Los Angeles still only has one mushroom cloud. He lands at some river basin where he’s got another team assembled. Wait, weren’t all his teammates killed at the apartment? This is getting like Henderson last season where he seemingly manufactured henchmen on an assembly line.

We learn this hour that Gredenko, the Russian who Graem and Phillip dealt with to obtain the nukes for decommissioning, is in on this with Fayed. Well, of course he is because this show is nothing if not current. Yes, let’s have a fuckin’ Russian pissed off at us over the damn Cold War. What the hell year is this, 1982? Though it does remove some heat from the producers of the show since this would be the second straight year some men of Middle Eastern descent were made out to be terrorists. Who gets these ideas anyway?

I rather enjoyed Jack’s re-entrance into CTU. Everyone looks at him and I wonder which of the following they’re thinking:

A) Wow, I thought Jack Bauer was dead.
B) Wow, I thought Jack Bauer was in China.
C) Wow, I thought Jack Bauer was taller.

Jack goes over to see Chloe and it’s now that we’re kind of reminded that he’s been in the field all day and is still wearing the shirt he boosted from that house… the house where Assad’s rogue henchman is still rotting. Lovely. Looks like a warm California day, too.

Anyway, I thought Chloe’s interaction was kind of cute. She thanks Jack for saving Morris’ life and also comments that she’s glad Fayed didn’t kill him that morning. We see a half-smile from Jack for the first time in a long time and he gets back to work.

Down in the morgue, Phillip Bauer is erasing contacts from Graem’s cellie. If you don’t hate Phillip already, you will by the end of this hour. He and Jack go back and forth about how Graem died and didn’t deserve it and how Phillip knows nothing about Gredenko. At this point, Phillip is still playing it like he knows Graem did some inappropriate and potentially illegal things but that he’s innocent. Jack seems to want to believe him so badly that he ignores the evidence that only one non-CTU agent was back at Graem’s house and was left alone with Graem… and that was Phillip. But whatever. It’s been made clear that Jack doesn’t want to believe his father could be in on this.

Phillip then calls a really weird head of security for his firm named “Liddy,” according to the Fox Website. Liddy sounds like a robot but appears to be well-groomed. Phillip, who was previously unaware that Gredenko was in L.A. but now knows thanks to Jack, tells Liddy to find Gredenko and have him capped. Otherwise, his business might be hurt. Really? You know, my dad was the CFO and Treasurer of his company for almost twenty years so I think I’ll ask him how many former Russian generals he had to have whacked to keep the company financially secure.

In the conference room, Buchanan actually has the stones to make Jack sit down and then to chide him about how he “exceeded protocols” when questioning Graem. Uh, yeah, but he’s not an employee of CTU, is he Bill? Jack angrily points out that he told them he couldn’t do this job and didn’t want it and wanted to walk away. And for a minute I was like, good for you, Jack. Of course, then I remembered Bill was ready to let him walk away and it was Jack who called back in and said he wasn’t quitting after seeing a nuke go off. So I guess you’re both accountable, gentlemen. Bill then offers to cover up Jack’s overstepping of bounds. My, Bill, a few years away from Division has made your asshole loosen up a bit, eh? Next thing you know, Bill will abandon his ties and be wearing Hawaiian shirts to the office. Jack, of course, demurs and says he’ll take whatever punishment he deserves. It can’t be worse than a Chinese torture camp, right?

Back at Wayne’s pad, he and Assad are virtually alone in the bunker. Yeah, right. I don’t care if there is security right by the door – no way a known terrorist is that close to the President without a Hannibal Lecter-style getup on. I mean, seriously, can you imagine Momar Kaddafi or Osama Bin Laden sitting in an easy chair across from Bush?

VP Noah Daniels calls in to harangue the President some more in his deep, affected Powers Bootheian tones. Wayne stands firm on his decision and the VP couldn’t be more suspicious. Also, getting mighty comfortable on what appears to be Air Force One, aren’t you Noah?

Assad then warns Wayne to watch his back as his allies might come after him now. Assad compares them by saying they’re both the holders of unpopular opinions. Wait, Assad, you mean now that you’re professing peace-loving? Or earlier in your career, when you were profession American-exterminating? Actually, I guess both those stances would be unpopular but just to vastly different audiences. Oh, and does anyone else want to put money on Reed and his crew of conspirators framing Assad for whatever happens to Wayne? Didn’t think so. I don’t even think Vegas will put a money line up on this one.

At CTU, Jack is asking the sexy Marilyn whether she remembers anything about a Russky named Gredenko. She says no but that one time she followed her no-good husband to a house where there was Russian being spoken. Jack’s Spidey-sense begins pinging and he wants her to take him to the house. Wow, talk about your shots in the dark. I’m sure there’s no way this one will work out. Nevertheless, Bill orders a field team go with them along with…Milo. Wait, what? Milo? What the hell for?

Marilyn wants Grandpa Bauer to watch Josh (Marilyn’s son) and Phillip recommends taking him home. Marilyn relents. At this point, I’m thinking to myself, “There’s no way Phillip would do anything to his grandson…” Of course, I thought he wouldn’t hurt his real son, either. Phillip calls ole Liddy again and tells him roughly where Jack and Marilyn are heading and wants Marilyn captured for help in finding Gredenko.

On the way to the house Marilyn followed Graem to in the dark months ago (I can barely find my own house in the dark), they throw a tiny bit of light on their past. Not that they did the nasty but you know they did. She asks if she was a reason that Jack left and joined the military years ago. He says no. I guess Jack and Teri weren’t high school sweethearts, huh?

Meanwhile, Phillip calls Marilyn and smoothly tells her to take Jack to a different house or her son will be hurt. I have to say, Rena Sofer does the scared shitless eye reactions quite well. Phillip coldly points out that he already lost a son today and doesn’t want to also lose a grandson. Wow, what an unimaginable prick. He obviously has to die so I’m putting my money on Marilyn even though I’m sure we’re expected to think it’ll be Jack.

Back at the CTU Death Clinic, Morris is moping that he’s the reason those other nukes will be operational. Chloe has tried the kindness route with him and that’s not working so she decides to slap him. Which is just awesome. Just as awesome is his reaction: “Why did you do that?” She chides him for moping and tells him to get off his ass and back to work. I loved this scene because, yeah, I’d be sick to my stomach, too, but I’d also want to do whatever I could to stop the bastard.

Marilyn, terrified over the idea of losing her son, directs Jack to where Phillip said to direct him. The Fox Website says that Milo follows in “a follow van.” What happens if that van takes the lead? Does its name change?

CTU converges on the house and you can see Marilyn is wrestling with telling Jack the truth. The team raids the house, which is mostly empty. Except for a few boxes (of C4?) and a detonator that is in the process of detonating. Ruh-roh! Jack dives out the window as the house explodes and Marilyn screams. You know, this scene reminds me of a scene in the movie The Last Action Hero. It’s a move that kind of mocks the indestructible action movie heroes we all know and love. A kid is watching Schwarzenegger as the hero and a house explodes and Arnold exits exactly the same way, along with two cops. The kid watching says, “Both cops dead – he barely gets a scratch, though.” Anyway, this reminded me of that.

Since the explosion was not very far from where Gredenko’s real house is, you’d think they’d figure something was amiss. And how surreal must life be for the neighbors of the house Phillip had blown up? First a nuke, now the abandoned house next to them exploding. If any of these people used to live near Tony and Michelle, they’re probably really losing it.

Milo pretty quickly deduces it’s an ambush and drags Marilyn into the van and they take off. Phillip’s henchies follow and Milo does his best with the follow van but since there’s nobody to follow, it veers into a brick half-wall thing. The henchmen open fire on the van, although there’s clearly someone telling them they need Marilyn alive. So are they only firing their “Milo” bullets?

Milo does pretty well for himself, pulling the pin on a hand grenade and tossing it in the back of the van and also snagging himself a pistol. He and Marilyn use the exploding truck for cover as they hoof it down the alley.

Jack, lying in the bushes, calls to his team members but they’re all down. There goes another tactical team. Better call the academy, Bill.

The hour ends in this fashion, again without a significant splitscreen, which is kind of jarring.

As I said in the previous review, these were two awesome hours packed together that just never seemed to let the adrenaline rush down. Nearly every scene felt like it had a purpose and the time flew by. I know there’s no way the whole season can continue this way (you know Sandra’s coming back again) but damn if it isn’t on one hell of a roll now.

Season 6; Hour Eight (1:00PM - 2:00PM)

2007-02-16T16:58:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 12 Feb 2007
Reviewer: J

Damn. Those were two good hours! Two in a row! Both edge-of-your-seat, like the 24 we all came to love and admire! Blood! Gore (not Al)! Rena Sofer being hot! No Sandra Palmer! No Walid! Hooray!

Seriously, though, I loved this past Monday night. The first hour certainly earned its graphic violence warning. It’s interesting to me that they no longer say anything about graphic violence and instead start with the voice over guy intoning – far more seriously than he used to – “Viewer Discretion……is advised.” No shit, voice over guy.

We pick up Hour Eight right where Hour Seven left off, with McCarthy and his woman racing around in his silver Maserati with Morris cuffed in the backseat and fully aware that he just got schnookered. CTU is busily trying to locate him with Jack in a helicopter and Chloe trying to get the info up on her screen. When it’s clear that she’s flipping the fuck out about her husband (ex-husband?) being kidnapped, Milo tattles on her to Buchanan who removes her from her station and hands it over to Milo. Milo very dramatically removes his sport coat to get down to business. He has the satellite footage almost instantly (much to Chloe’s visible surprise) and, damn, that’s some good satellite footage! Not only can we see Morris’ car and McCarthy’s car, but we can see that McCarthy’s woman is blonde and that it’s a Maserati! Damn good satellites! Is there one pointed at every streetcorner in L.A. at all times? Because that seems rather fortuitous.

The chase is on as Jack and unnamed, unspeaking chopper pilot (we’ll call him Herman) track the Maserati, though not inconspicuously. McCarthy catches on quickly and has Rita, the chick he’s allowed to drive his $90,000 car, perform evasive maneuvers. Wait, does McCarthy not realize a chopper can go anywhere and isn’t bound by the restrictions of paved roads? What’s even more amusing is that they don’t even know where they’re going because Fayed hasn’t told them yet. So they’re just driving around aimlessly in Los Angeles? What if they need gas or something?

Meanwhile, Jack has been informed of his brother’s demise but he’s kind of focused so it seems not to affect him much. You just have to know somewhere inside he suspects foul play. I mean, he definitely does… and it’s his own foul play and overdoing it with Graem that he thinks is to blame. Oh well, poor Jack. No time to sulk, though, because they need to catch the Maserati.

McCarthy smartly directs Rita under a huge interchange of freeways where they park the Maserati and McCarthy hijacks another vehicle. During this interlude, Morris pleads with Rita and when she learns this has to do with nukes, she gets a little jittery. Morris points out that they don’t even know who she is (CTU, that is) and so she should hit the trail now. The wheels are turning in blondie’s head. Never a good sign.

Herman drops Jack off on top of a truck and Jack of course finds the Maserati empty… and then a second later a TAC team on the ground pulls up and picks up Jack. Wait, they were that close?? Shit, for all those times we accuse CTU of catching good breaks (like intercepting one of 450,000 cell phone calls) this should be evidence of them just missing catching a break.

Fayed does indeed call with a location once the McCarthy-Rita-Morris triumvirate are on the road again, now in a jaunty Dodge pickup truck (fortunately with a crew cab for Morris, lest he ride in the bed). Rita lets McCarthy punch the address into the GPS of the truck (good thing that’s there – maybe that’s what he was looking for when trying to find suitable vehicles to steal) and then blasts him two or three times with his gun. Morris shocked as she pushes McCarthy out and takes off with the truck. I loved Morris’ comment: “Thank god! A bit extreme, but still, you made the right decision.” It turns out she didn’t since she’s going to hand over Morris’ limey ass to Fayed for the $7 Mill since, as Morris told her, CTU doesn’t know who she is. Bet McCarthy never saw this coming. But why didn’t he have her drive while he held the gun, like they were doing in the Maserati? Oh well.

Just ten minutes later, Jack has found McCarthy’s body with the TAC team. Speaking of TAC teams, I thought they were all gone a few hours ago when they done got blow’d up? No? Did I daydream Milo telling Buchanan that all their TAC teams were dead? Maybe these are backups from San Diego.

Some gobbledy-gook ensures, wherein CTU figures out where Fayed was calling dead McCarthy’s cell phone from. Yeah, I don’t understand how, either, but they were able to find a perfect satellite image of where McCarthy jacked Morris so whatever. Point is, they know where Fayed is and, by extension, where Morris is and, by extension, where nukes are likely to be. Rather than head in the exact opposite direction like I would do, Jack wants to go there. Of course he does.

Meanwhile, let’s digress and discuss what’s happening at the White House bunker. Tom Lennox has pitched a classic bitch-fit and is so mad the President won’t listen to him that he wants to resign. His bitch – err, I’m sorry, assistant – Reed, doesn’t want him to. Lennox is convinced he cannot help the President and insists Reed go draft his resignation.

Reed, as if you didn’t know he was bad already, calls some equally white dude named “Carson” and they agree their “plan” needs to be implemented. What the H? They need Lennox in place, though, since that’s how Reed gets his access. Okay. So does that mean Lennox is not a bad guy? Or he is a bad guy?

Meanwhile, the President has been meeting with Assad and asking him to go on TV to call on the terrorists hidden within the U.S. to lay down their arms and come out for the ass-whipping and lynching they so desperately deserve. Oh, did I say “lynching”? I meant lunching. Yes, the President wants to have lunch. Assad is predictably skeptical but not really in any position to negotiate, given that he’s a known terrorist in the President’s underground bunker. Not exactly home-court advantage. I hope someone points this out to him soon by suggesting he might make good fertilizer for the rose garden.

Reed goes back to Lennox and pitches the idea of the VP being in charge. Tom says that while he might not agree with the President, he hardly thinks this merits holding hearings. Oh, Tom, you really are innocent, aren’t you? Reed, with a really creepy look, suggests that something “more immediate” would have to happen. Lennox points out that that’s treasonous talk and again dispatches Reed to write his resignation letter. Shit, Tom, just write the damn thing yourself: “I, Thomas Lennox, hereby resign my position as Chief of Staff to the President of the United States. Sincerely, Tom.”

See? Not so hard.

Back at Fayed’s hangout, Rita brings in Morris and Fayed says she gets paid when he completes his tasks. Uh-oh. Not good, Rita. Morris, of course, refuses to program the nuke and Fayed’s men start torturing him. And I have to say, Fayed’s team is really good at this. People get on Jack for using torture but he’s still bound by some rules. Fayed can do whatever he wants to get results. And this was an interesting scene. I think any of us would probably refuse to arm a nuke for somebody. And I think many of us would die in order to stop many, many thousands of people from being nuked. But once the torture begins, how long could you last? I’m fairly certain the drill would have broken me, too.

I was amazed at the gore in this episode – and it was the 8 PM hour! Well-done, Fox! Morris, after having the ¾ inch drill but bored into the back of his shoulder, collapses to the ground and this is all Rita can take. She volunteers to forgo the money if she can just hit the road in her stolen pickup truck. Fayed makes kind of a funny face about her being willing to waive the $7M fee and then he turns around the blasts her twice with his gun. Her own blood splatters up onto her face as she makes that, “What the fuck?” face for the last time. She collapses and is face-to-face with Morris who, despite his history in that field, does not comment on her fantastic shoes.

It’s at this point that Morris agrees to do what Fayed wants. He does and, predictably, that meanie Fayed plans to have him killed as he leaves the room… but it’s Jack and the Jackettes to the rescue! Morris survives though he’s unconscious and Jack finds the nuke he just armed in the next room. Yikes.

There’s a big, tense scene where Jack has to disarm the nuke but, fortunately, the writers didn’t write it so Jack had some special knowledge and only he could disarm it. He actually has no idea what the hell he’s doing and needs Chloe to walk him through it. Wow, Chloe’s talents keep expanding. I had no idea computer programmers and excellent satellite camera operators could also detonate nukes. As per standard Hollywood timing, Jack succeeds in disarming the bomb with mere seconds to spare. And then he learns that Morris built Fayed a device that could arm any of them… and he actually gets pissed off at Morris! I mean, I see Jack’s point and he would gladly die before doing that but to expect that of others? I mean, I’m fairly sure Morris isn’t a field agent and I wonder if he would have reacted this way had it been Chloe who created the nuke-armer-device-thingy.

Naturally, in all the commotion and shootouts, Fayed escaped down some hidden shaft. My first thought was that they must have had plenty of time to disarm the bomb since Fayed couldn’t possibly expect to get out of the blast radius that fast. But Agent Turner (presumably the replacement for Agent Castle from a couple years back) points out that a medivac chopper lifted off a couple minutes ago and that was probably Fayed. Nice work, CTU perimeter.

In a rarity, we get no splitscreen as the hour closes. Lennox learns of the device Fayed now has and he calls Reed, saying maybe he will consider listening to what devious devices Reed has with which to remove the President from power. Or, you know, gentlemen, you could just approach the President with this new news and try to convince him again. And then remember that if the country get vaporized, it’s on his head – not yours. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a taxpayer.

The next hour starts immediately and I just love the previouslies after you’ve just watched an hour.

Season 6; Hour Seven (12:00PM - 1:00PM)

2007-02-08T07:57:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 5 Feb 2007
Reviewer: J

Okay, wait just a frickin’ minute here. So much was revealed in this hour and so much more was hinted at that it’s hard to even keep up. I don’t even know where to begin. And I had the sad thought that maybe 24 is heading to where I chide other shows (like Lost) for going, and that is to a place where they just do anything and assume the audience will accept it blindly. There was a bit going on here that I just do not think I’m okay with so let’s get into it.

We start off knowing that Wayne isn’t stupid and that he knows Tom Lennox had something to do with Karen Hayes’ sudden departure. Tom, of course, plays dumb and even admits that maybe it had something to do with the executive order he asked the Prez to look at earlier that day and is now re-submitting. An executive order to, presumably, remove the rights of anyone not a member of Tom’s country club. And let me just commend Tom here for having the onions to present a plan wherein rights are restricted based on the color of citizens’ skin to a black President.

Oh, and if it wasn’t obvious to you that Wayne was going to shoot Tom’s plan right the hell down in front of everyone, well, then you don’t know the Palmer brothers too well. I did like how what happened to Walid and the boys in the yard is what spurred Wayne on, reminding him of what happens when you start imprisoning people based on their religion or color. Nice test balloon, Tom.

We also were introduced this hour to the Vice President, played by Powers Boothe. When I saw his name in the credits, I thought, “Wow, who is Powers Boothe going to be?” And I never thought he’d be the VP. And what is it with the Palmer brothers nominating shifty white guys to be their running mates? I mean, I guess it helps sew up the vote if you’ve somehow got both the black and white vote in America, but it already looks like Noah Daniels (the VP’s name) is a bit shiftier than Jim Prescott. I actually liked Prescott because there was no doubt he was doing what he felt was right and he had principles. As you’ll recall, he had David Palmer temporarily removed from power in Season Two and initiated a strike against nations in the middle east that he – and others – felt were responsible for the nuke in that season. But when evidence was presented that showed that intel was wrong, Prescott called off the raid and tendered his resignation to Palmer who, magnanimously, refused to accept it. I somehow don’t see VP Daniels going that route. He seems pissy about Wayne being the President to begin with, openly questioning Wayne’s lack of stones to Tom. Oh, and hey, what the hell is the Vice President doing flying around while terrorists have nukes? Is this intentional in case DC is vaporized?

Another twist in the episode was that this shifty Aussie, Darren McCarthy located someone for Abu Fayed to use to trigger the remaining nukes. I found it oddly amusing how Fayed’s kind of just cooling his heels this hour waiting for his new engineer. No split-screen intro, few lines… take it easy this week, Abu.

Anyway, CTU shows some competency and intercepts their cell phone call which is mighty fortuitous given all the likely cell phone traffic going on in LA at this particular moment. Once they learn the info has been texted and emailed to Fayed, they somehow intercept some of the data and set about deciphering the photo and CV of this new, likely unwilling, engineer. More on that later.

Soon after, the crew at CTU learn that Morris’ brother is in the hospital with radiation poisoning. It takes all of Chloe’s smoothness to keep Morris at his post and continuing to work on the decoding of the new engineer’s info. Morris is all teary-eyed but toughens up and agrees to get back to work on this in the name of saving more lives. Good guy, that Morris. A hell of a computer whiz.

Eventually Morris uses some illegal software to help decode the picture and CV of this engineer that Fayed is soon to put the screws to. And wasn’t that creepy when Fayed said “He’ll cooperate”? He didn’t even need to finish the sentence with “…or I’ll remove his fingernails one-by-one,” because we knew it was something like that.

Of course, we should have caught on that something was up when Morris replied to the news about his brother by acting surprised that he was up in Valencia at all but I know I for one didn’t pick up on it. Naturally, Morris says that now he must leave since his program is working and he has to go check in on his brother at the hospital. No sooner is he out of the building when the image is finally clear and it is… ta-da! Morris. Ruh-roh, Shaggy.

The CTU gang, patched in with Jack, manage to get Morris on his cell and tell him to turn his ass around, post haste. Morris, of course, takes a second to realize the gravity of the shit he’s potentially about to be in and this is just enough time for McCarthy and his woman to scream up in their fancy-ass car and block Morris’ path and hijack him right out of his own fancy-ass Jaguar convertible. I find it interesting that Morris was driving his convertible with the top down. I mean, I know a canvas top isn’t going to protect you from radiation but I think I might have it up anyway. You never know when the remnants of a civilian might come raining down on you. Or a helicopter.

Much to their horror, CTU hears Morris being jacked over his still-open cell line. It’s really too bad they can’t do something, given that it’s obviously McCarthy who is hijacking Morris (the same McCarthy they’re all looking for to connect them to Fayed) and it’s, you know, a block from the damn CTU building! Somebody get in a chopper or something.

Of course, the biggest reveal of the episode isn’t to us but to Jack from Graem. But let’s back up. As we started the hour, Jack and his pops are being taken somewhere remote for an old-fashioned, Chappellian execution. The two security goons are obviously people the Phillip Bauer knows as he calls them by name as they are marched to their soon-to-be graves. Jack and his dad exchange a look while certainly taking their time. I never understood this whole “get on your knees routine” that always seems to be the delay factor in point-blank executions. Just surprise them with a bullet in the back of the skull and they’ll be on the ground without any backtalk whatsoever. But no, these clowns tell them to get down and Phillip simply says, “No,” and a struggle ensues wherein Jack gets a gun away and kills the black henchman that Phillips is struggling with. No matter how many times I watch that scene, it seems hard to believe Jack’s accuracy was that good. He shoots the henchman struggling with Phillip with a gun that’s still in the first henchman’s hand. I don’t know.

Anyway, Jack ends up on the ground and Phillip puts a bullet whizzing past Jack and into the chest of the white henchman. Bye, henchmen. Jack, of course, is pissed, since he wanted to be the one to not only kill the white henchman, but to torture him good first.

Before long, Jack, Phillip and some suddenly materialized CTU agents (whom I thought CTU ran out of a couple hours ago) have Graem’s pad surrounded. Graem, not being adept at field maneuvers, doesn’t even bother to look outside his house. Maybe it’s because his wife, Marilyn, is yammering at him. Something I imagine she does quite often.

The phalanx of CTU cadre come blasting in and for a minute we have a double-gun standoff between Jack and his brother. It looks like this might be quite a dramatic moment…until Graem surrenders. Well, that was a letdown.

On his way to Graem’s, Jack had requested Agent Burke come along, too. You’ll remember Agent Burke as the torture specialist at CTU who was in charge of torturing Henderson (among others) during the Sentox gas release in CTU last season. Somehow, despite the nerve gas and Henderson’s deadly ways, Burke survived that day and yet has not asked for reassignment to, say, Flagstaff. In fact, how does Jack know Burke is still employed there? Or on duty? Guess it’s not the point.

Jack gets Graem all ready for torturing and is clearly conflicted as he gives Burke instructions to keep pumping the torture juice into Graem’s veins. Graem eventually appears to break and says, “It has nothing to do with McCarthy! It has to do with Palmer!”

“David Palmer?” Jack clarifies.

I wish Graem had replied with: “No, Jack; Robert Palmer, the guy who sang Addicted to Love.”

Graem cops to the Palmer hit, the Almeida hit, the Dessler hit, the Kennedy assassination, fixing the 1988 World Series and any number of other things to make Jack stop. Jack, predictably, goes berserk, pushing back Graem’s chair and threatening to kill him. Graem eggs him on as Burke wonders where his career went wrong. He radios for help because, apparently, Burke doesn’t have a gun of his own. An agent comes in with gun raised and Jack simply barks at him to stand down…and the guy does. Wow, way to stand your ground, Federally-trained defender of freedom.

What does get Jack to stop? A disapproving look from his father. I wonder how many times Phillip had to stare Jack down while Jack was about to kill his own brother. Something tells me this wasn’t the first time. I really wish we could see the childhood these two had.

This all made for a damn good episode but then you could tell something fishy was about to happen. Phillip wasn’t ready to leave yet and said he “needed a minute.” Jack agrees to this but has to leave. Phillip and Jack exchange a tender moment where they both seem to genuinely wish they could have back some of the years they’ve been not speaking. I kind of hoped this would lead us in that direction and maybe we’d see some father-son teamwork. We kind of do, as it turns out, but not the kind I was hoping for. Jack just can’t catch a break. I mean, unless he did get to tap Marilyn’s ass. Then that was a nice break to catch.

After the CTU crew decides it’s almost time to go, Phillip asks Rick Burke for a minute alone with his son. Burke looks like he considers it for a moment and simply can’t possibly fathom what could go wrong and agrees to it. Maybe that’s why Burke’s career hasn’t risen above torture-juice injector. Poor game management decisions.

Phillips closes the door and Graem quietly intones, “Howww’m I doin’?” Wait…WHAT? Phillip is in on this with Graem? Wait, in on what? Graem’s desire to have himself tortured? I’m so confused. And this is where I think this kind of goes off the rails. Sure, all the way back in Season One, you could watch early episodes and see major issues with Nina having turned out to be the mole but we all know that’s because the writing staff didn’t know they were going to do that in the early episodes. This season, one hopes that the writing staff knows what they’re going to do at the end of an episode when the start it but one never knows.
So the failed attempt to kill Phillip and Jack was…a setup? Was the hitman going to kill Jack first and then Phillip would be left alive? I guess that’s possible and then that’s why Phillip killed the henchmen quickly – because he knew they were about to go, “Mr. Bauer! What the fucking fuck!” But still, this is a reach. Why would Graem give up what he gave up? He even makes a comment about how Phillip can eventually get him out. Well, maybe you could get out in a few years for making poor business decisions on a government contract to dispose of nuclear weapons, but I’m not sure you can get time off for good behavior when you engineered the murder of a former U.S. President. Graem also makes a comment abut how “the company lives on.” Man, who says there aren’t good company men anymore? This guy is ready to give his life for his company. And it becomes clear that that’s exactly what the owner of said company is going to expect.

Going back to Burke, not only is he bad at reading a room and figuring out what’s going on, he’s also sloppy. Despite the fact that we see him leave the room with what is ostensibly his torture kit, he’s left a fully-loaded syringe of the torture juice just lying on Graem’s coffee table. Not only that, but Graem’s IV is still fully-functional. All of this is fortuitous for Phillip who uses the syringe to inject Graem and kill him in the same way Tony was killed last season. No silent clock for Graem, either.

As a parting shot and also in a rather believable way, Phillip Bauer threatens CTU over them “killing my son.” Of course, I would think an autopsy might reveal the truth but by then… well, by then Phillip will have…well, I don’t know. What? Realized some brilliant crime conspiracy? I don’t know. I’m just confused. Maybe CTU will find a list of people Fayed has dealt with that includes Jack estranged Uncle Ben and he’ll be able to shed light on things.

Next week we get two hours. Strap in.

Season 6; Hour Six (11:00AM - 12:00PM)

2007-02-05T10:25:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 29 Jan 2007
Reviewer: J

Okay, well let me start out by apologizing for two straight weeks of delayed reviews. The truth is, I’ve spoiled my legions (hundreds? dozens? two or three?) of readers over the years by frequently getting reviews up within a couple of days. That’s not likely to be the average this season for a number of reasons. What I will commit to is this: I will do my best to have the reviews up before the end of the workweek (since I know you all like to read them at work) and if that can’t happen, I pledge to do everything possible to have them up prior to the next hour’s airing on Fox. Fair enough? Cool. Let’s move on.

I hate to start to slide towards the group of people out there who can’t watch 24 because they think it’s just “getting too ridiculous,” but this hour pushed me closer to it. I’ve always thought that was a silly thing to say since 24 tossed the ridiculousness meter out the window early in the first season and never looked back. As all loyal fans, I always liked that about the show – that it would go anywhere and do anything and always surprise us even when we didn’t think we could be surprised anymore. Think of the deaths of major characters… nukes being detonated…Jack having to do and being willing to do the unthinkable in several instances. It got silly sometimes but also seemed to keep us hooked in enough to let the really silly stuff pass (such as nerve gas that can eat through door seals but doesn’t affect your eyes or skin as long as you hold your breath when exposed to it).

But this hour really pushed it. We’re all over the place now. Let’s make no mistake – I’m still enjoying things immensely. But it’s crazy what’s going on with Jack’s family… family we didn’t know existed before now.

But before that, let’s talk about the other wonderful storylines that as of right now aren’t holding my interest at all.

Tom Lennox and Karen Hayes continue to bicker like schoolgirls. Tom wants to be prepared with the detention facilities; Karen thinks he’s subverting the President’s authority. Oh, just screw already.

Tom ends up calling on his Deputy Chief of Staff Reed Pollock (I only know his name and title from the Fox Website) who is played by Jennifer Garner’s ex-husband. And he’s a snake who does underhanded things for the White House Chief of Staff. Wow, I’m sure that’s just what he dreamed about when he was in Law and Society class at Georgetown. Anyway, Pollock digs up some dirt on Karen that Tom uses to get her to resign her post. Yeah, right. I thought it was stupid, too. Even if you’re butting heads with them, asking the National Security Advisor to step down during a crisis such as this is kind of… stupid, to say the least. But anyway, Tom goes ahead with it and Karen backs down, resigning to the President and asking to be transferred to CTU LA so she and Bill can do it in his office up against the glass. Yeah, have fun with that image, everybody.

Oh, and what’s the dirt that is horrible enough to get her to resign? I know you were all hoping Tom had pictures of Karen and Bill doing it on Wayne Palmer’s desk or something but it’s nothing that gasp-worthy. No, it turns out that Abu Fayed was in CTU custody a year earlier and Bill Buchanan signed off on Fayed’s release. You mean Bill’s a terrorist, too?? Oh, no, wait… maybe it was just a case of not having anything to hold him on. Yes, that actually happens all the time. But Karen must feel Lennox has some kind of case because, as I said, she backs down, presumably to protect her hubby. I don’t get this but I’m sure (or hope) we’ll learn more about it. As it happens, it looks like Karen is going to walk to L.A. to join the field office there. Wouldn’t it be funny if she walks out of the White House and the title card then reads, “18 months later” and she’s walking up the I-5 freeway into Los Angeles? No? Okay.

Over at the detention facility where Sandra is still squawking at the FBI for using Walid as a pawn, Walid very artfully pickpockets one of the suspected terrorists of his smuggled cell phone and helps the FBI get a tracker on it. He then is told by the FBI, “Okay, you can return the phone.” Walid, to his credit, doesn’t reply with “Uh, what the fuck?” I mean, how is he supposed to slip it back in the dude’s pocket? By stumbling into him again? If he does that the guy’s going to think Walid is sweet on him. So Walid is standing there with the group, wrestling with this very problem, when Potential Terrorist realizes his phone is gone and immediately accuses Walid. Now, as Walid was denying it, I think it would have been funny if the phone had started ringing with like a Jay-Z ringtone or something. But no, they just manhandle Walid and take the phone and immediately commence beating the living shit out of him. The FBI moves considerably more slowly than they should in breaking up the fight and Sandra cries over Walid’s battered body. I guess this just shows that the President’s sister was right and this was dangerous for Walid. The FBI, of course, will say that they never said it wasn’t dangerous. And shit happens. You can tell this storyline isn’t over, although I have yet to see anything that having Sandra Palmer on the show brings to the table. I love Regina King and find her oddly, fascinatingly attractive… but I think she’s wasted here. No, not wasted in the narcotic sense. Although that would be funny. Of course, in the irony of ironies, it turns out that these clowns have nothing to do with terrorism – they’re just Web-surfing dudes who wish they were cool enough for Fayed’s Myspace page.

Another storyline that will likely amount to nothing is that of Tom Lennox’s security measures against all brown people including those who work for the U.S. Government. This means Hot-ass Nadia at CTU needs to be immediately strip-searched. Oh, she doesn’t? Dammit. She just has some extra layers of security or some such crap. Whatever it is, it slows down her productivity noticeably to where it appears from the exchanges that her computer is actually running slower than others. Hell, mine does that sometimes, too, Nadia. You just have to defragment the hard drive.

Bill is disgusted about it but knows they can’t do much… Milo, who is horribly miscast here by the way – I mean, can you take him seriously as a person of a) authority and b) intelligence? Or, hell, how about c) someone who’d be willing to potentially bone Chloe? Me neither. Anyway, Milo pitches a bitch-fit when he learns how Nadia is being treated by our own government and Bill agrees it’s unfair but there’s not much they can do. Milo looks down at Nadia from Bill’s office and I can’t help noticing that this reminds me of the angle Jack looked at Nina from back in Season One when we weren’t sure about Nina. Just saying.

Among Milo’s exhibits as to why Nadia is undoubtedly above reproach is that she’s “a registered Republican!” Wait, how does that exonerate her? Couldn’t one make the argument that it’s the Republicans who want to blow everything up?

I also enjoyed how Bill tried to blow him off and when Milo asked if there was something Bill wasn’t telling him, Bill responds, “Yes, Milo, there is.” Bill is great when he gets exasperated. Milo ends up going downstairs and logging Nadia in under his username. This can’t end well. And more to the point, I’m assuming Milo will need to be “logged in” at some point during the day, too, and wouldn’t there be some sort of safeguard against two instances of the same counterterrorism agent’s login? I mean, I know it can be done in my office but we’ve never had a noxious gas released here. Except after that lunch at Chevys.

Or maybe Milo’s just hoping he can “log in” to Nadia sometime soon… and let me just say that if they’re taking the show in that direction, there cannot be another Tony and Michelle… are you listening to me producers??

And so that brings us to the storyline that is most ridiculous and yet most entertaining at the same time. The Bauer Boys. Jack evidently strangled Graem (I’ve been spelling it wrong) for a while and Graem agreed to talk. Graem admits to having the nukes in his (and dad’s) company’s possession to disarm them but that this shady McCarthy character sold them on the black market and Graem and Phillip Bauer thought they could take care of it on their own. Graem acknowledges the stupidity but figured the bombs weren’t able to be armed, which Jack responds to by pointing out the ‘shroom cloud in the sky and the 12,000 dead Californians beg to differ. Graem agrees to take Jack to the office where McCarthy and/or their father might be. As they leave the house, the Fox Website says that “Jack and Marilyn trade a look.” From the looks of Graem’s son, I’d say Jack and Marilyn traded more than looks about eighteen years ago.

I did like the interaction where Jack admits he doesn’t ideally want to implicate his family but that what’s done is done and if Graem screwed himself then so be it. They get to McCarthy’s office and Jack herd Graem in, eventually cuffing him to a stationary object to check out a suspicious noise. CTU, meanwhile, has manifested some new CTU agents and parks them outside the building. Strangely, these sure-to-be-dead drones are given a line as they call Jack’s cell and ask where he wants them. Naturally, he tells them to stay outside rather than come in to provide backup. Jack likes the odds stacked against him. So they cool their heels in their CTU-issued SUV.

Jack soon gets jumped by two goons and one appears about ready to execute Jack when his father steps in and calls a halt to the proceedings. It’s James Cromwell, who is likable enough as an actor but am I the only one who wishes this was Donald Sutherland? Keifer’s the GD executive producer and he couldn’t make this happen? I don’t get it.

Anyway, Phillip Bauer stops things and allows Jack his gun back. Jack, to his credit, doesn’t pistol-whip the guy who took it away from him. The guy who gives it back, in fact, is rather magnanimous about it given that Jack got in a couple of good licks on the guy just a minute earlier. Anyway, Jack goes into interrogating his father in a “But daaaaaad!” way. He asks what the hell Phillip was thinking and when Phillip says they’re trying to figure things out Jack elects not to put a bag over his father’s face. But I think it has more to do with the fact that Phillip is about three feet taller than Jack. Jack’s mom must have been tiny to produce Jack and Graem.

Graem is brought in for a family reunion and manages to elicit Jack’s angry side again by referring to his “dead wife” when talking about keeping family safe. Phillip separates his boys probably not for the first time ever and he and Jack negotiate. Jack wants to bring in CTU to help locate this McCarthy character while Phillip initially sides with Graem on doing it themselves. Phillip is worried about Graem’s ass ending up in prison because, you know, the lack of background checking on McCarthy and all. Uh, Phillip? I’d say that ship sailed when the nuke was detonated in the suburbs. It seems that this has already been on Phillip’s mind and he acquiesces to Jack’s request – and big ups to Jack for not just demanding they do things his way, but rather trying to convince dad to go along.

Right after Phillip agrees to have Jack call CTU, Graem turns the tables by commanding the henchmen – previously reporting to Phillip – into action and they take Jack’s phone and gun and frog-march Phillip and Jack out to a waiting van. They walk by the SUV with the now former CTU agents in it and they’ve both been brutally executed by shots through the window of the truck. I guess CTU is cutting its budget lately and not equipping vehicles with bulletproof glass anymore. Remember Chloe’s time in an SUV car? It was bulletproof. Nice continuity, show.

But this is where it really went off the rails. Phillip speaks for the viewers when he asks what the hell Graem has done since Graem evidently has had two more agents murdered and now, wait for it… is giving the death orders for his dad and brother. No teary goodbye from Graem, just a “tell me when it’s done” command and off he goes. Phillip immediately regrets the Christmas when he bought Risk, the game of world domination for Graem. Jack somehow resists the urge to tell Graem he boffed Marilyn. I sure would have announced that at this point.

Is Graem this brutal that he can have his brother and father executed? We'll see shortly.

In the trailer for next hour, we are treated to seeing Jack and Phillip escape from their captors and Jack gets the drop on Graem…again. I guess the folks at Fox know that we all know Jack’s signed for a few more seasons and there’s no way to kill him anyway so they might as well admit it in the previews.

Season 6; Hour Five (10:00AM - 11:00AM)

2007-01-26T18:33:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 22 Jan 2007
Reviewer: J

And there we have it, folks! The first filler/expository episode of the season! That’s right, the plot basically didn’t move forward and people fretted for the hour about the nuclear blast, which, really, is probably what would happen in reality. This week’s review is late for a number of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that this week’s hour didn’t do much for me (and don’t worry, I’ll tell you why). The main reason, though, is because I was traveling for business this week and since none of you slackers – err, I mean, readers – stepped up and offered to join me as a staff writer/reviewer for this season, I’m all lone wolf…like Jack.

So let’s get into what I did and didn’t like about this episode.

I enjoyed the reaction from the military at the White House bunker which, sadly, it looks like we’ll be experiencing again this season. As Wayne looked around, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was thinking about the last man to utilize this office – the guy who sanctioned the murder of his brother. I keep hoping Logan will come up and we’ll learn what’s become of him. Did Hal Gardner pardon him? Is he in prison? Is Wayne still angry at him and quietly conducting torture sessions wherein Logan is forced to listen to Martha carp about mysterious phone calls and the ex-Prez’ poor sexual skills?

Anyway, back to the point. The Admiral who is speaking suggests that the U.S. basically bomb the shit out of the middle east, regardless of who’s who. So, basically…genocide. Interesting tactic. What I find very intriguing about this is that I just read the latest book from Nelson DeMille, which is called Wild Fire. It’s about a secret government plan of the same name that dictates that if a nuke is ever detonated in a U.S. city by Islamic terrorists that the President has an automated, no-questions-asked plan in place to essentially carpet bomb the middle east with nukes. The nation of Islam would be wiped out and, likely, so would their terrorism. At least that’s the theory. There are people who believe such a plan exists and I don’t think it’s that far-fetched since if a nuke ever actually did go off in the U.S. the panic would be widespread and devastating and it might take a really drastic response to calm people down a bit.

Among the interesting things in this scene is that the Admiral suggests putting the folks from sandland “back to the stone age,” and when Wayne tries to advocate a modicum of patience and for the U.S. to be certain they are attacking the right country rather than just, you know, everyone, the Admiral interrupts him… and then Tom Lennox interrupts him with a very stern, “The President is talking…don’t interrupt.” The only way it could have been more condescending would be if he added “…douchebag” to the end of the sentence. And that brings us to Tom, whom I can’t quite figure out yet. Which probably means the writing staff of the show haven’t figured him out yet, either. I see strong potential of Tom being like Mike Novick of Season Two; that is, hard to pin down on the good or bad scale and kind of making viewers go back and forth about him. We’ll see.

The bombshell of the episode, of course, is that we find out more about Jack’s immediate family. His father comes up as someone who’s had dealings with a Russian nuke salesman (is that, like, door-to-door?) through his business, Excellent Blow Jobs Technologies… or BXJ technologies, something like that.

Jack calls Sam, his father’s…manservant? Sam looks like he’s very tame and emasculated from years of being a butler of sorts. Jack looks actually warmed to hear Sam’s evidently familiar voice on the phone. Sam, too, seems touched to hear from Jack and you can tell he’s not sure what to say since he, like many people, thought Jack was dead or captured. Or both.

Sam is clearly not in on any shenanigans because he’s worried about Phillip Bauer. Apparently, Jack’s dad left under hazy circumstances and didn’t take his cell phone. Odd, indeed. Way to be stealthy, Phil. Jack, too, finds this shady, especially in light of the fact that CTU turned up his name as someone who has recently dealt with a Russian arms dealer of sorts. His spidey sense continues pinging and he asks for his brother’s cell number. Wait, Jack has a brother? I know! Sam the manservant dutifully gives up “Gray’s” cellie.

And “Gray” is none other than…Graham from last season! Leader of the Bluetooth gang of marauding bandits! Fox’s Website even refers to Graham as the leader of the "Bluetooth power broker conspirators."

Now, I did like this twist but it bothers me that it’s so obviously something that was just thought of this season to clear up who the hell Graham was last season. If the writers knew he was Jack’s brother last year, then kudos to them. But I’m willing to bet they didn’t. But won’t it be interesting when Jack realizes his own brother was instrumental in the conspiracy to assassinate David Palmer. Yikes.

Turns out Graham has a family, too, and his wife is played by Rena Sofer, who I’ve always found insanely hot and alluring. She’s known as being a kind of kiss of death for TV shows since every one she’s been a star of has tanked, but you could say that about a lot of TV actors who you never knew until their famous show caught on. Anyway, enough of my defending Ms. Sofer. I think it’s the jet black hair and piercing blue eyes that do it for me; it’s the same reason I’m never able to take my eyes off of Courteney Cox when I see her. Hoo-yah.

As for other things I liked, I found the bringing up of Jack’s deceased wife interesting. Jack surprises Graham at his palatial estate somewhere in the hills and the two exchange an awkward hug. Or at least Graham tries but Jack just leaves his arms at his sides. So he already knows his brother is up to no good? Or he just assumes it since Graham is always up to no good? Hard to tell and Jack doesn’t let on. When Graham, trying to make conversation, asks when they last saw each other, Jack quickly replies, “When Teri died.” Nice touch of continuity and another of those nods to the regular watchers that I always bloviate about. Graham’s wife and son appear and his son looks like, well, an Aryan Youth Movement kid. He seems pleasant enough and as he enters, Graham introduces him to his “Uncle Jack.” This cracks me up for some reason… Uncle Jack. Jack does greet the kid rather warmly…for a guy who’s been in a Chinese prison for two years anyway. Speaking of which, Graham knew this because he set it up we learn… but he admits he knew it to Jack. Is Graham okay with Jack knowing he has connections that would allow him to know this? Or did the Chinese announce this to a local news crew or something? How does it make sense for Graham to know Jack was in the custody of the Chinese. How the hell did Wayne even know, come to think of it? So many questions, so few answered.

Anyway, Graham’s son eventually breaks the silence by suggested that maybe he and “Uncle Jack” can sit down and talk “later.” Jack snaps out of his daydream of tearing off Graham’s arms and beating him about the head with them enough to reply, “I’d like that.” And I think he really would seeing as how he’s go nobody left in his life and was welcoming death a couple hours ago.

We then see Rena Sofer again, whose name is Marilyn. Marilyn and Jack have a history. How come every woman we’re introduced to early in a season has nailed Jack? Is Jack spending all the non-24 days feeding his voracious appetite for hot asses? Apparently so. Teri, Nina, Kate, Clowwwdia, Audrey, Diane…and now Marilyn. I’m sure I forgot someone. Maybe he boinked Michelle Dessler in there somewhere or Palmer’s press secretary from Season One. She was hot.

The fact that Marilyn fondly remembers Jack’s velvetness is not lost on Graham, which might explain why he was willing to have his own brother killed last season.

Jack and Graham go into Graham’s study where he, again, admits he knew Jack was in China and that he and dad tried to get him out…which is complete bullshit and Jack seems to know it. I also found it interesting how Jack and Graham both referred to Phillip Bauer as “Dad” a couple of times. Not “Our father,” but “Dad.” Makes it seem like they both at least have some level of a relationship or rapport with him. Jack has acknowledged he hasn’t spoken to his father in nine years so either Phil wasn’t at Teri’s funeral or it’s been nine years since Teri died.
On that note, my local paper today had a tidbit. One of the writers spent a day on the 24 set and noted that all the computer screens at CTU have a date of 2012, which would be about right if you do the math on all the in-between time of the seasons.

Anyway, Jack soon tires of Graham’s stalling and slugs him. When Jack went and pulled the wire out of the back of a lamp, I thought he was going to go all Paul Raines on his brother but he just used the wire to tie Graham’s wrists. I wonder if he left that wire plugged in because that would be interesting.

He begins insisting Graham tell him what he knows, to which of course Graham pleads ignorance. Again, I’m still not sure how Jack is so certain Graham has something to tell or if Jack’s just realized he really does miss torturing people so he’s getting back into it. Nevertheless, he threatens to hurt Graham while choking him to tightly Graham can hardly breathe. I loved Graham’s response: “Actually, you’re hurting me now.” Jack of course gives the rather chilling response, “Trust me – I’m not.”

We don’t get to learn what Graham knows this hour but we do see Jack starting to suffocate him with a plastic bag. An interesting tactic, or Jacktic if you will.

A few last comments on the revelation of Jack’s fraternal relative… as I said earlier, I enjoyed the twist but that’s because I’ve become really good at suspending my disbelief for this show. The truth is, it’s way too obvious that the writers had no intention of making Graham Jack’s brother and it’s something they thought up just recently. I’m sure it’ll lead to Jack having to kill, torture or imprison his own family thus making him even darker but still… seems dangerously close to a cheap tactic to shock us.

The rest of what happened in this hour was somewhat expository as well and is leading us to, hopefully, more significant happenings. At the detention facility, Walid is being used by the FBI to infiltrate the baddies who are being detained. They make a big show of roughing him up and putting a wire on him but the whole show of pushing him around is a little ridiculous. For one thing, if these terrorist accomplices don’t know this is a set up, then they’re really frickin’ dumb. At the end of the hour, they’ve shown interest and Walid has dropped the right name (Abu Fayed) to get them interested in how he knows/supports Fayed…BUT, couldn’t this all be a ruse by the bad guys who always seem a step ahead of the government on this show? And why is the FBI handling this covert gathering of intel that could really help the CTU team across the country? Shouldn’t CTU be in on this operation?

Sandra Palmer is there making all sorts of annoyed noises at the FBI agents, including the blonde one who arrested her and Walid earlier. And frankly, I’m bored with her and her complaints. Walid is trying to be helpful, Sandra, and he’s doing it of his own volition. So lay off.

We also learn shortly after the nuke blast that CTU is basically out of field agents. Milo lets us all know that besides the team that was engaging Numair and the other hostiles in Valencia, all their other Tac Teams were “too close” and were similarly incinerated by the nuclear blast. So what the hell is going to happen to CTU now? Do they pull in field agents from San Diego, Vegas or San Fran? Or will Bill Buchanan go out into the field with a weapon. I’d love to see that. I suspect it would be the cleanest and shiniest gun anyone’s ever seen. And probably with a Gucci holster.

Speaking of exposition, we learn in the opening minutes that a conservative estimate of the death toll is currently around 12,000. Which, damn. That certainly puts any previous terrorist killings to shame. And probably fairly accurate given where the bomb was detonated.

Another random thing I enjoyed was Tom Lennox crapping all over the team trying to work on a speech for the President to give to the American people. They’d referred to the nuking as “the latest incident,” to which Tom scoffs hilariously and says, “This was a nuclear BOMB. Can we call it what it is?” Good stuff.

Otherwise, this hour didn’t do a whole lot for me. We learned some things we’ll clearly need to know later on but not a whole lot was done. Well, Assad was escorted out of CTU and told he was wanted in Washington, D.C. And I guess he’s going by car or train since all air travel has been grounded.

Season 6; Hour Four (9:00AM - 10:00AM)

2007-01-17T12:16:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 15 Jan 2007
Reviewer: J

We pick up right where we left off after a boatload of previouslies, just so we definitely know that we’re in some major shit right now.

It’s becoming apparent that this Numair guy has somehow slipped away during the very organized, chain-gang style march of the prisoners onto a rather nice-looking jet. I wonder if any of these guys know what the hell is going on or if they just are so numb to being marched around that they just go with it.

At CTU, we see Bill becoming a bit more unhinged than usual, shouting at the wind that they have to do better. In fact, I think he said, “We have to do better and we have to do it faster!” The CTU drones around him get over his outburst as fast as they can and try to get back to their Tetris-playing faster. I don’t know, it sure looks like everyone’s working as fast as they can to me.

Now that we’ve established that there’s a good chance Numair is wanted by Fayed for help programming a nuclear bomb, the White House has sprung into action. I especially like how Karen says that the Russian suitcase nukes were all destroyed…but there was a report of some going missing a while back. Wait, what?

Karen also shows us a graphic similar to what David Palmer was shown when he was at his Oregon retreat back in Season Two and a nuke was in the plotwheel then. It shows little figures meant to represent a certain number of American lives and those multiply when buttons are hit that tell the rodents in the computer to simulate nuclear fallout. Of course, Karen does give an estimation of hundreds of thousands of lives lost “if it’s detonated in a major city.” This key phrase may be important later. Like, say, if one was detonated in the suburbs.

Wayne decides that Jack is the best person to lead this search. I guess this is because of his loyalty to Jack and because he’s learned that Jack always seems to come through when it counts. But still, Jack’s been in China for twenty months. Have we all forgotten that? If I were Jack, I might also ask Wayne what the hell took so long for him to negotiate Jack out of China. I know Jack holds the Presidency in the highest respect, but still.

It’s right after this that we have more indication that Curtis is going off the grid. Jack tells him that Wayne wants him, Jack, to lead the search of Fayed. Which it appears Curtis has no problem with. What he does have a problem with is working with Assad. Jack asks him to behave and Curtis, uncharacteristically, mouths off to Jack, asking what the Chinese did to him. Jack gets in Curtis’s face – which, because of Jack’s diminutive size, is more like Jack getting in Curtis’s sternum – and asks if he’s got somethin’ to say. Curtis still looks pissed but agrees, sort of, to work with Jack. This is not good and I’ll believe you if you began to think something really bad was going to happen between these two. After all, I’m sure Curtis hasn’t forgotten the time when Jack put him in a sleeper hold and stole his SUV.

Jack has caught on to the signals from Curtis (which were, like, about as obvious as can be) and so he asks Chloe to run some background on Curtis and Assad to figure out what the H is going on in Curtis’s melon.

Over at Chez Wallace, Ahmed is still bleeding and holding two hostages. Ray calls him and demands he release his family. Ahmed calls Ray’s bluff saying that even Ray knows that that would leave him with no leverage. So, to play ball, Ahmed has Ray choose which one to have released. Ray, being a parent, says to release Scott, his son. Ahmed, being a smart terrorist-in-training, lets Jillian, Ray’s wife, go. Ray protests and Ahmed says Ray just revealed who he “values more.” If you’re thinking this is kind of a shitty thing to do to his wife, you’re wrong. I don’t have kids but even I know there’s an unspoken (or sometimes spoken) agreement when you have kids that you’d sacrifice anything for them, including each other. And I’ve got no problem with that. It’s part of being a parent. Or so I’m told.

It’s irrelevant but I liked Ahmed showing the caller ID to Jillian as she was leaving and saying, “Will you remember this number?” so that she can call her husband who, inexplicably, does not have a cell phone. She looks at the number, memorizes it, and leaves. I don’t know why I liked that except, I guess, that it’s another one of those little touches of reality that they toss in there. I know there’s a lot out there about how ludicrous this show can get sometimes but sometimes I think these little touches almost balance it. As I’ve said before, these are the little things that we would actually deal with ourselves if put into similar situations.

Anyway, Ray and Jill hem and haw about how to handle Scott. They agree not to call the police and then, promptly, Jill…calls the police. Should have taken her cell phone away, Ray.

At CTU, we learn that Chloe “dated Milo a few times.” Uh, what? Why would that have ever happened? Let’s just hope they didn’t screw.

Jack and Curtis end up getting Jillian Wallace on the line and she tells them about Ahmed and how he was talking to a guy named Fayed. Well, that’s a good thing that she called 911, I guess, then. Point taken, writers. Curtis bitches about taking Assad on a tactical mission but, really, what are their options? Maybe Curtis wants to leave Assad at a bus station or something? Or maybe he wants to just shoot him. Yeah, that actually might be it.

Meanwhile, Wayne’s administration is quickly deciding that Assad is suddenly an ally despite the many deaths his terrorism has caused over the past “two decades.” They even go so far as to put together a pardon for all past crimes in return for his cooperation. Well, I’m not sure you needed to overbet the pot like that, Wayne. I mean, he’s already in your custody and you could just say, “Hey, either help us or we’ll cut off your fingers one by one.” I mean, Jack could say that or something. Why are we giving Assad a free pass on everything he’s done in the past? I guess to sort of guarantee his cooperation and make him realize he has something to hold on to when he wrestles with thoughts as to whether peace is the right answer. But still, I’m sort of with Curtis on this one, whose eyes get kind of wide when he hears Assad asking for something “in writing.” Maybe he’s talking about a contract on a new house, Curtis.

Sandra Palmer appears this hour and tries to call Wayne again. Seriously, little girl, let your brother do his damn job, will you? You say you don’t want preferential treatment when you got arrested but now you want to whine to the President whenever you have a bug up your ass? You can’t have it both ways. And Tom Lennox agrees with me, intercepting her call and turning her away. She makes some threats about embarrassing the administration which, I’d have to say, would ring sort of hollow to me at this point. I mean, shit’s getting blown up all over the country and people are dying left and right. I don’t know how much further the administration’s pants can be pulled down.

Meanwhile, Walid – Sandra’s boy-toy – learns from a loose-lipped Islamic brother in the joint that the Americans “will all pay.” Walid’s all, ’scuse me? And the guy walks off and talks in Arabic, which Walid listens in on and even gets himself in a better position to hear. Yet it turns out he doesn’t understand Arabic. Well-played, detective. What good are you?

It turns out that Ray Wallace is a reliable delivery boy as he gives Fayed his box of White Castle burgers, AKA nuke detonator device. You know, do you think Marcus, the guy who unwillingly sold the component to Ray/Ahmed/Fayed, knew that it was going to be used to arm a nuclear bomb?

Anyway, Fayed calls Ahmed and tells him he got the package but that he shouldn’t have involved outsiders. Ahmed replies, “But Fayed, how else could we bring an innocent family with whom the audience could sympathize with into the fray?”

Actually, no, he doesn’t say that.

Fayed ends up telling Ahmed to plug Scott and Ahmed shows his hesitation, to which Fayed tells him that the boy has seen and heard too much. I guess Ahmed didn’t reveal that he’s already released Scott’s mom. And how could he have seen too much? Aren’t they planning to nuke LA? And if they are indeed planning to nuke LA, why did they blow up a bus and try to blow up the subway in the past couple of hours? Isn’t that kind of moot if a nuke is going to be detonated? Silly me, trying to find logic.

Jack, Curtis and their helmeted brethren descend upon the Wallace house just as Ahmed is about to execute Scott, Chappelle-style. I’m not sure about you, but I think I would have tried to fight for my life a little more than Scott did. I mean, if it’s “death” or “possible death,” I’ll take “possible death.”

Anyway, Ahmed is winged in the crossfire and Jack freaks that they need him alive to talk about where the package of burgers went. In an interesting twist, Jack is saved from having to rub kitchen salt into Ahmed’s gunshot wound because Scott remembers the address that Ahmed gave to Ray to deliver the…White Castle package. Silly Kumar.

At the Wallace household, we learn that Curtis indeed did not know what Assad and the President spoke about on the phone in the car. Assad is signing his full pardon in the dining room while Curtis flags down Jack and asks him what the hell is going on. Jack explains, as delicately as he can, that Assad has been pardoned and is officially an ally now. Curtis, unconvincingly, gives the answer that if that’s how it is, that’s how it is. This is remarkably similar to “It is what it is,” which is something I find myself using at work a lot, especially when a situation is kind of shitty. Of course, that’s where my approach and Curtis’ stop being similar.

While two-thirds of the Wallace family is freaking about whether Dad/Ray is going to be okay, Jack gets a call on the horn from Chloe, who has gotten around to backgrounding Curtis and Assad. Yeah, it turns out that Assad was responsible for an attack on Curtis’ platoon in Desert Storm and killed several of Curtis’ men in brutal fashion. Including beheadings. So I guess that explains why Curtis hates Assad. In fact, when thinking about this, it makes me wonder how Curtis didn’t go ballistic sooner. Regardless, I was waiting to hear a shot ring out in the background as Jack was learning this info about Curtis. There’s no shot at this point, but Jack clearly realizes there’s a huge problem when Curtis isn’t in the house anymore.

Jack races outside the Wallace home and it’s at about this time that Curtis has confronted Assad with the truth about who he is and how they’ve met before. For his part, Assad looks clueless, but that’s probably because he’s killed a lot of Americans and is somewhat numb to it. Plus, we all look alike anyway.

Then we have a scene that may very well end up in the annals of great 24 scenes and has a better-than-average chance of being the best scene of Season Six, despite being only in Hour Four.

Jack is forced to pull his gun on Curtis and tell him to lower his weapon, which he (Curtis) has trained on Assad. Curtis pulls his shit together long enough to realize that having his back to Jack is not the best approach. Remember, Curtis is a career soldier and anti-terrorist field agent. So he swings Assad around to shield himself while simultaneously putting his gun at the base of Assad’s skull, where one shot will surely end Assad fast.

Jack, of course, knows this too and again demands that Curtis lower his weapon. One thing I’d like to interject here is that I have found the use of U.S. flags interesting in the first few hours. In the safe house in Hour Two when they were getting info from the traitor in Assad’s organization, there was a U.S. flag behind Assad at one point. And in this scene in the Wallace’s driveway, as Jack is aiming at Curtis, you can see an American flag behind him. It’s subtle but very interesting. Anyway, where were we?

Ah, yes, Curtis is refusing to lower his weapon. To which Jack, almost pathetically, says, “Please.” What this means, of course, is “I really don’t want to kill you but I’m realizing I’m probably going to have to.”

Curtis clearly thinks about Jack’s demand and also, I think, realizes that he himself has lost it. Yet he has something within him that won’t allow himself to release Assad. He appears to think for a second and then confirms this by saying, “I can’t let this animal live.” As Curtis is screwing up the courage to blatantly execute someone in front of a dozen witnesses and basically end his career, a shot rings out and Curtis is hit in the neck and ends his career even faster. It, naturally, came from Jack who zinged a shot from a pistol right over Assad’s shoulder and into Curtis’ windpipe.

The look on Curtis’ face is some good acting by Roger Cross, who I really did like. His face is a mixture of shock and sadness as he realizes his time on this mortal coil is over and he sinks to the ground, vainly clutching his throat. Bye, Curtis, it’s been fun.

As I said, I liked Curtis a lot, not because he brought all that much to the show from a dynamic perspective but more because he was consistent and had been there for a while. You always knew what you could expect from Curtis – loyalty, efficiency and quiet tones. I remember Curtis as the guy who helped stand down McGill last season and who broke free of his captors in a bad-ass sort of way back in the early hours of Season Four. Curtis was a good guy and a resilient character who seemed to take a bullet every season but always was back for more. Well, not this time.

Jack, for his part, reacts like most of us would if put in an impossible situation such as that. He drops his gun and has himself a good freakout. He walks away and ends up stumbling and vomiting, coming to rest against a small tree on some neighbor’s grass. Mere seconds after having killed his colleague and friend, Jack’s phone rings. And Jack answers it, which I wouldn’t have. But then, I ignore calls when I’m not doing anything else so that’s not a fair comparison.

It turns out it’s Buchanan on the horn and he’s trying to get Jack to buck up. He says he was filled in on what happened and that Jack had no choice. While this is technically true, how could Buchanan possibly know this so fast? Was the agent who told Bill about it on the phone with him giving him real-time info on the standoff between Jack and Curtis? How would that have sounded?

“Okay, Jack just told him to drop it…Curtis says no…Jack says please… and Curtis looks like he means it but – WHOA! Holy shit, Bill, Jack just shot Curtis just below the pie-hole. Annnd, Curtis is dead. Am I in charge now?”

Anyway, Jack wants nothing to do with Bill’s consoling and says he can’t do this anymore, which is at least the third time since the season began that Jack’s made the unusual comment that he’s not fit for this anymore. It takes a lot for Jack to admit he’s not good at something and he’s trying hard to tell us all that he’s done with this shit. But Bill, too, won’t take that as an answer and says he’s done great work and that they’re gonna find the suitcase nuke because of him (oh boy, are they ever). Jack gives the wise-ass response, “Good, then you don’t need me anymore.” He ends up hanging up on poor Bill who just lost his two best field generals.

Wow, what a scene. I loved Curtis’ reaction to being shot and Jack’s reaction to having to do it. It simply makes Jack’s character that much darker and further illustrates how he’s not the man we met back in Season One and he’ll never be that man again.

But oh no, the hour isn’t over! We see that Numair has gotten the suitcase nuke ready to roll. Of course, I must point out here that the whole “suitcase nuke” thing is being taken a bit too literally. Real suitcase nukes aren’t like, the size of a Samsonite. They’re more like the size of a massive trunk, like the one John Candy carries with him in Planes, Trains and Automobiles. But fine, 24, we’ll go with it.

Anyway, the CTU Tac Team that was dispatched to the location that Scott happened to remember moves in and, in true CTU fashion, isn’t sneaky enough to not be noticed. A firefight ensues and Numair is given the command to detonate the bomb. And, with it, the northern suburbs of Los Angeles. For a second or two, it looks like Ray Wallace may turn himself into a hero by intervening but all he can do is scream as Numair flips the switch and everything goes white and silent, which is probably exactly how it would happen. I imagine when everything in a several-mile radius is melted it gets quiet pretty fast. The light blast is scary, too, and I love the way the scene cuts to Jack who is still crying on the ground. We see his face in the light and the brightness in his eyes. In reality, I think looking at a nuclear blast can blind you but maybe not with smaller suitcase nukes. The mushroom cloud is impressive, too.

Of course, the gravity of this almost knocks over everyone watching. The White House gang look like they’re going to vomit and Wayne’s the first one to react, telling Karen to let the first responders in LA know that they get whatever they need. Wayne is the quickest to absorb what’s happened presumably because he can now write about his nuclear blast on U.S. soil in his own memoir someday and it just might be a better seller than David’s. Hell, David’s went off over the desert and killed nobody except maybe some hippie campers.

The CTU bunch looks equally disturbed and Bill doesn’t look like he knows what order to give next. Milo chooses this time to come up and give information about an Arabic phrase that Walid kept hearing at the detention facility (which is apparently picking up at least some of the right people) and that Sandra passed along to the FBI. The phrase is something about “five visitors,” which of course clues Bill and the others in to the fact that Fayed has four more of these mothers out there and CTU is short a Director of Field Operations.

Ah, so these nuke suitcases are going to be sort of like the eighteen canisters of nerve gas from last year, eh? Sure hope it’s a different approach than that. And I also am a bit disappointed that Jack is shown in the preview for next week saying that he’s not quitting after the nuke went off. Sort of killed the idea that he might have been serious, at least temporarily, didn’t it?

Anyway, Hour Four was indeed amazing and as I said to D, every time they promise an hour that “changes everything,” they seem to deliver on it in some way. As I said, I think we all knew something bad was coming with Curtis… but I don’t think anyone expected the nuke to go off. Where do we go from here?

Season 6; Hour Three (8:00AM - 9:00AM)

2007-01-16T16:10:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 15 Jan 2007
Reviewer: J

Holy hell. Excuse me, I’m still recovering from last night. Not the four-hours-in-two-nights thing – really just the last ten minutes of last night. However, this review is for Hour Three so I’ll focus on that as best I can right now and then get on to Hour Four later.

As you’ll recall, there are some significant terrorist attacks going on around the country as we began Day Six. Jack has gotten back from China and formed an uneasy alliance with Assad, a man who has been a known terrorist for something like twenty years. Just how a brutal a terrorist we will soon learn.

We move into Hour Three with Jack somehow finding Assad as he promised to do and jumping into the little Toyota Corolla that the two liberated earlier. The two debate what to do and I must admit, I’m really impressed with Assad’s resolve here. He wants to work with Jack and had every opportunity to disappear but he really does care about enacting a real ceasefire and potential “lasting peace.” There’s no other explanation as to why he’d continue to work with Jack in this episode and in the next one.

Assad, however, does not trust CTU or the U.S. government enough to let Jack pull in their assistance with following the “handler,” whose name is Masheer for purposes of this review. To illustrate this point, we see CTU having a conference call with the White House about the happenings in LA and how they’ve confirmed Jack is working with Assad. Bill acknowledges that Jack’s “been dark” since they didn’t listen to him about Assad. Wayne says, “I didn’t listen.” It’s nice that Wayne wants to take the blame and it’s a very stand-up thing to do. However, he wasn’t the only one who didn’t believe Jack and there was significant compelling evidence to support the attack on Assad. We never got invested in that evidence as it was gathered in previous months by Karen Hayes’ team and others, but still.

About this time, Fayed calls in to speak with the President. I love how Fayed can just call in to speak to the President and actually gets him on the phone. I encourage my readers to try this to see how easy it is. Call 202.456.1414 and ask to speak to the President. See how far you get. For an added challenge, say your name is something Islamic, like, ohhh, say, Fayed. Not only will you probably not get the Prez on the phone, you might get a personal visit from the FBI at your door.

Anyway, Fayed wants to speak to the President and demand the release of prisoners, whom he calls “Freedom Fighters,” yadda yadda. I don’t care, terrorist! There’s no way my man Wayne Palmer is going to give in to your demands! The U.S. does not negotiate with terrorists! Plus you already lied to the government in a so-called “deal” once about an hour ago. Right, Wayne?

Wayne ignores me and goes about sort of agreeing to Fayed’s demand.

Jack of course uses his velvety powers of seduction to convince Assad to let him call CTU and bring them in to help, namely in the form of satellite surveillance of Masheer. CTU can’t get a satellite into position for another 10-15 minutes. Assad, to his credit, does not sneer and say, “See? No good to us.”

Jack then hatches a clever little plan. Since it’s going to be hard to follow Masheer without getting spotted, Jack carjacks some guy’s Jeep Cherokee away from him and then drives like a maniac to head off Masheer and basically slam right into him. I have to say, I knew the plan Jack was hatching but it still looked like a professional ramming to me. And I would think Masheer would have been a bit suspicious, too. But he’s not. Of course, Assad pulls up and acts like a good samaritan and offers Masheer a lift to wherever he’s going. Masheer falls for it because, as we all know, they stick with their own kind. Ha!

Anyway, Assad does indeed play up this angle and he surreptitiously dials Jack cell phone, which amazingly has the same number as Berhrooz’s dead girlfriend from two seasons ago.

Jack loops CTU in and they all work on triangulating where the hell Masheer is going. Along the way, Assad is spouting off their location so that it’s easier for CTU to follow but can’t Chloe just triangulate on the cell phone signal that he’s putting out there? I mean, that’s probably safer than Assad casually reading each exit as they pass it like somebody’s senile grandmother.

Hey, remember Kumar – I mean, Ahmed – from across the street from Joe Family? Well, his leg wound is apparently pretty bad because by my count he took Scott hostage at about 7:45 and it’s now 8:15 as they re-enter the Wallace household, which, remember, is right across the street. Half hour to cross the street? Okay, okay, I’ll let it go. Maybe they had a burger or something. Anyway, Ahmed is so badly injured that he feels he cannot deliver the package of White Castle burgers to Fayed so he orders Ray Wallace to do it. Ray, put in an impossible position, agrees to do it and leaves. The number of times Ahmed leaves himself open to be cold-cocked is astounding and I guess it just demonstrates Ray’s average family’s average averageness.

In the unnecessary plot device portion of the show, Wayne’s useless sister is freed from the “detention center” she was taken to basically because she knows the big boss but her boyfriend Walid is not privy to the same courtesy. Mainly because he’s Islamic. Sandra Palmer and her brother get into an argument about civil rights and whatnot, and I’m not sure if the irony is intentional in a fictional black President sort of justifying a lack of civil rights… on Martin Luther King Day. Whether it’s intended or not, it’s noticeable, at least from my seat. Look what the terrorism has done to Wayne’s perceptions of what’s fair and what’s not. Hell, not just Wayne – look at how mistrustful Walid is by the end of this hour!

Anyway, back on the tracking front, Masheer politely thanks Assad for the lift he just got and exits the vehicle. I thought sure he’d cover his tracks by killing Assad. And, more to the point, how does he not know Assad? I mean, I know Assad said Masheer wouldn’t know him but why not? If Assad is so influential and is so well-known worldwide as a terrorist leader of sorts, then how could Masheer possibly not know who he is? That’s a big hole there, although it made for an entertaining car ride.

CTU quickly hones in on Masheer and realizes he’s in a storage facility, the kind where you store your apartment furniture over the summer during college. Only there aren’t stained sofas and 30-year-old coffee tables in Masheer’s storage unit. No, there are stacks and stacks of ammunition, along with laptops. And grenades, it turns out.

Meanwhile, Curtis is being a bitch about things by continually showing unhidden contempt for Assad, who Jack clearly sees must have a history with Curtis. We’ve definitely never seen Curtis this unhinged and reticent to follow orders. It was about this point when you could tell something bad was in the offing for tonight.

Anyway, one of CTU’s assault team members is spotted by Masheer who opens fire. Before long, he’s pulled a grenade and detonates himself and the ammunition around him. Amazingly, Jack goes into the charred remains and finds that the laptop Masheer was using actually has part of its hard drive salvageable. This is…kind of ridiculous. However, word is that IBM Toughbooks are a major sponsor of the show so I’m kind of surprised Jack didn’t say, “Well, Bill, fortunately it’s an IBM Toughbook so let me jump in my Toyota Corolla, which gets great gas mileage by the way, and head back to you guys.”

Back in unnecessary plot filling land, Ray Wallace gets to where he’s supposed to deliver Ahmed’s package and we learn that there’s cash in the package and not White Castle burgers. But Ray is supposed to get another item in return. Oh, that must be the White Castle burgers. There’s some back and forth between Ray and the seller, Marcus, who wants more money for the item. Isn’t that always the way? Ray ends up bludgeoning Marcus to death to get the item for him at the agreed-upon cost. Perhaps I underestimated Ray. Or at least his bargaining skills.

Meanwhile, from Masheer’s cooked laptop, CTU and Assad have collaborated to determine that Masheer was looking at a schematic of a nuclear device and detonator. Uh-oh. But wait, didn’t the nuclear device storyline already play out on this show? Wasn’t it detonated somewhere in the Mojave Desert, along with George Mason?

Regardless, I guess Fayed’s men don’t mind repeating storylines they weren’t a part of. It turns out that one of the prisoners that Wayne is in the process of releasing from Palmdale is a nuclear physicist or something. His name is Hasan Numair, though I don’t know why we care, and he’s been slipped out of the group of prisoners who are being put on a plane and he’s been freed by a rogue US prison guard. For money, one assumes. Apparently enough money to kill a fellow American, since the guard blows the head off the prison bus driver’s head.

We end the hour with the prisoner release stopped and Numair running out of the bus and on his way to Fayed’s to, presumably, do some bad shit with a nuclear bomb.

Yeah, that’s just the first hour of the night. It gets a lot worse.

Season 6; Hour Two (7:00AM - 8:00AM)

2007-01-15T14:26:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 14 Jan 2007
Reviewer: J

As I was saying, we get the second hour of Season Six right away, which is so cool I could barely contain my excitement all day. Of course, this four hours in two nights business is amazing until next week when we get a lone hour and are so hungry for more. But it’s a master-stroke by Fox, who is able to dominate Sunday and Monday night and also rope in some new viewers. If it’s this easy to get four episodes deep into this show, they’re more likely to get some casual viewers to stick around. For those of us writing reviews? It kind of is taxing, I must admit.

Anyway, we pick up right where we left off after a boatload of previouslies. Fayed is pissed that he’s somehow let Jack slip through his fingers and he acknowledges to his henchie that Jack knows the truth. His henchie quite rightly points out that it doesn’t really matter since CTU is already on their way to cap Assad. Sayed reluctantly agrees to depart with them since apparently something else is pressing on their terrorist to-do list.

Jack eventually gets out of the storm drain and busts into an old Oldsmobuick hooptie parked nearby. The Oldsmobuick has a cell phone left inside – how handy! Jack manages to remember the main number to CTU Los Angeles and gets put through. Everyone’s surprised to hear from Jack since they figured he was killed by Sayed. Jack doesn’t have time for everyone’s warm wishes and insists Buchanan call off the assassination of Assad. Bill demurs and connects them all with the President. Wayne gives a little laugh like, “Jack, you old hard-to-kill dog, you!” But Jack gets right down to business and explains how Sayed exposited what the real story is. Tom Lennox, having had lots of experience with this on Ally McBeal, agrees with Karen Hayes assessment that they still need to bomb the shit out of Assad, regardless of this new intel. Wayne doesn’t want to hold off, either, despite Jack’s plea. Karen points out that Jack’s been in a Chinese prison for twenty months (which, apparently, everyone knew and was sort of okay with) and, thus, might not have the best judgment or be hearing everything perfectly. Jack can’t really argue this point but continues to insist he has the facts correct. It’s interesting to note how much Jack cares about this since, really, why should he give a shit? He’s been in prison and being tortured for 20 months. Why does he care which terrorist is killed? And it’s not like Assad doesn’t have bloody hands – he’s been a known terrorist for years. Even if he’s decided to make a New Year’s Resolution to turn over a new leaf, he can still burn for what he’s done in the past.

In the end, Wayne decides to go forward with the strike on Assad. I must admit, I was expecting him to give in to Jack but this was a nice twist and shows how much the attacks on America have impacted him. He’s also being level-headed and listening to the intel Karen Hayes and other security agencies have gathered, which all point to Assad as the head of the snake.

Jack, frustrated, looks a the cellie he’s just liberated from the hooptie he broke into and, fortunately for him, sees that it has a navigation feature! So whoever’s car this is clearly spends their money on their technogadgets and not their vehicle. Not only that, but Jack immediately knows how to use this feature. Anyway, he puts in the coordinates and the map tells him where Assad lives. Now, I’m not sure what kind of phone this is, but it’s a rare occasion when I’m headed to a restaurant and look up the fucking coordinates to figure out where they’re located on the globe:

"Yes, sir, we’re at 324 West 47th str---"

“No, no, just give me the longitude and latitude, please. Thanks.”

“Uhhhh…”

Anyway, Jack heads over to Assad’s pad and sneaks into the backyard. He knocks out a passing sentry with what the Fox site describes as “chopped firewood.” In Southern California. Okay.

Jack busts into the house and there’s a bit of a standoff with Assad as he identifies himself and tells Assad the story, namely that there’s a couple of choppers on their way to the house to turn he and his friends into vapor. Assad doesn’t believe him, of course, because how could anyone know where they are? Well, Jack got there somehow, right Kojak? Assad eventually agrees that it’s possible and asks his men to empty their pockets to see if anyone is carrying a transponder. One is and Assad hustles him outside with Jack while Assad’s other men set about securing the premises. Within seconds the CTU attack choppers arrive and make toothpicks out of Assad’s house.

So let’s see… in the time since Sayed called CTU with Assad’s coordinates, Jack broke free, hid from Sayed’s men, escaped the basin, acquired a car, called CTU, argued with Bill, argued with the President, figured out Assad’s location, drove to Assad’s location, had a standoff with Assad and then got him out of the house. Meanwhile, CTU launched their attack which they were ready for about an hour ago.
Was a pilot late or something?

Anyway, Jack and Assad take Assad’s traitor terrorist (who’s worse than Assad, we’re to believe) to a nearby empty house where a U-Haul is casually pulling away. I say casually because it looks like we’re to believe this house is a good place for Jack and Assad to hide since the people are in the process of moving and aren’t there. Of course, a house just exploded a block or so away. Whatever.

Jack and Assad take turns interrogating Omar, the rogue henchie. Jack learns during this time that he’s lost his edge insofar as invasive interrogation. Maybe he just can’t do this to people anymore. Assad has no such hangups and stabs Omar in the knee with a knife – OWIE! Omar talks, telling Assad where a couple of Fayed’s men will be. Assad then guts Omar with the knife and watches him die. Brutal, that Assad.

We also learn during this time at the house that Assad is trying to have his men and the governments they align with to agree to a cease-fire with the West. So he…is good? It’s hard to tell. In addition, Jack ditches the clothes that Bill brought for him (the buttons aren’t his style) and he puts on some clothes he finds in the house that is in the process of being moved into or out of. Hard to tell, but either way it’s likely someone will be coming back for their shirt and will find Omar dead in the living room.

Meanwhile, across town at the Islamic-American Alliance (not making that up), Sandra Palmer is an attorney who is a bit concerned when the FBI arrives looking for personnel files. She denies them this request even though her lover, Walid Al-Rezani, suggests maybe they should just give up the files since they have nothing to hide. Beware the Islamic man who says he has nothing to hide. S’all I’m sayin’.

Sandra Palmer calls her brother… Wayne Palmer! Bet you didn’t see that coming, did ya?! Oh, wait, you did? Yeah, okay, well, where has this sister been all these years? I don’t know, either, but I definitely don’t remember her being mentioned. Oh, and this is random, but speaking of family ties, did anyone else notice that Wayne is wearing a wedding ring now? I think that’s worth inventorying in your melon.

Anyway, Sandra is worried about the FBI’s invasion and Wayne promises to look into it. Well, is it authorized or not, Wayne? He seems not to know but says he’ll figure it out. Well, Wayne, if you’re not aware of it, it’s probably not kosher since, you know, you’re the President. I guess Wayne’s still getting used to this job.

At the temporary hideout of Jack and Assad Incorporated, Assad walks into the frame clicking a keyfob remote to the Toyota (surprise!) out front and saying, “We have a car.” That struck me as funny for some reason. Jack seems hesitant to go on with this, especially after seeing Assad’s brutality on Omar and realizing he’s clearly losing/lost his own touch for inflicting pain to get answers. He goes so far as to say, “I don’t know how to do this anymore,” to which Assad replies, “You’ll remember.”

At CTU, Chloe has been snooping around – though, authorized this time, it appears – and figures out that it was Jack who helped Assad. She tells Bill who’s all secretive about it and tells her “good work.” Okay, so Bill’s already breaking protocol and keeping information to himself, less than an hour after almost firing Chloe for being underhanded? Nice example to set, Bill. Plus, wow, what a different guy Bill has become since being the requisite tight-ass sent over from Division in Season Four.

Over at the boring storyline, Sandra Palmer continues to interfere with the FBI requisitioning personnel files (with a warrant, I might add, making it legal) to the point where she and her Islamic lover are arrested. Somehow, I don’t think the FBI would arrest the President’s sister under any circumstances.

At the other somewhat boring storyline, Ahmed (Kumar; or Taj, if you prefer) has located the package of White Castle burgers he has hidden in the house for Sayed. Meanwhile, hillbilly neighbor from Hour One busts down the door and kicks his ass for no apparent reason other than Ahmed being Middle Eastern. After a pretty thorough ass-whipping, Ahmed is able to get his hands on a gun which he uses to kill Angry Neighbor. Gee, dude, if you really thought he was a terrorist, why did you look so surprised when he was ready to kill you?

Naturally, idiot long-haired stoner Scott Wallace, the WASPY kid from across the street barrels in and find Ahmed beat to hell and sees Dead Angry Neighbor on the floor. Scott sizes the situation up and wants to call for help but Kumar the angry White Castle eater tells Scott he’ll hurt him if he has to but these burgers need to get delivered. Scott does what he’s told. Why Ahmed doesn’t just kill Scott is a bit of mystery to me. He killed Angry Neighbor when he clearly had the chance to let him live. Weird.

Meanwhile, in the exciting part of the hour, Jack and Assad are taking on Sayed’s terrorist network themselves. I see a buddy cop in the making. They identify Sayed’s men at an intersection that Omar had supplied and they follow them into the LA Metro system. What’s the deal with all the face time the subway gets on this show? I would guess most Los Angeles viewers have seen the subway more on 24 than they have in real life.

Anyway, Jack decides to follow the bomber onto the train while Assad goes after the info man, who apparently confirms the job is done and then phones in to the boss. Gosh, that’s a much better assignment than being the one with the C4 strapped to your torso.

Also, hey Jack? Maybe letting Assad out of your sight wasn’t the best idea. Wasn’t it Jack who suggested capturing Assad for information just 45 minutes earlier? Now he could be gone.

Anyway, on the train, we’re treated to Jack trying to wrestle the detonator away from the bomber, which I thought was weird. I mean, why not remote-detonate so the guy doesn’t chicken out? Neither here nor there, I guess. Jack almost gets the detonator away from him but when he sees in a split-second that he’s not going to be able to, Jack does an impressive kick and sends the bomber out the back of the train where he explodes in the subway tunnel by himself. It sure is a good thing they were in the last car. Of course, maybe Jack didn’t care and just wanted him off of his car.

It turns out that Fayed isn’t that upset that this bombing isn’t successful since apparently there have been bombings at the same time in Baltimore and Chicago.

As the hour ends, we see that Wayne learns from Karen that CTU intercepted a cell call wherein Sayed is ordering/orchestrating the bombings. At the same time, CTU hears that someone identifying themselves as Jack Bauer (which Jack did to the ticket agent who didn’t like that Jack was on without a ticket; I’ll have to try that approach next time I’m on the train) is the one who foiled the train bombing. Bill wants visual proof that it was Jack, presumably so he can show it to the President who, as I mentioned, is also realizing that Jack was right earlier this hour.
We’re then treated to another round of My, Jack Was Right And Saved The Day Again. Regardless, you just know he won’t be believed in other cases as we move forward.

I also wonder about Jack’s whole existence for this season. Remember the promos? For the security of the U.S., Jack Bauer has to die. Something to that effect… but now, apparently that’s not the case anymore. Oh, good, season over, Jack goes back to China for a vacation.

It was at this point that I was continuing to shake my head at Jack for parting ways with Assad, the man who is probably most pivotal here. However, it turns out that Jack and Assad exchanged cellie numbers and they get on the horn to discuss Assad’s current role as a surveillance agent. Assad is following the other henchman who they’re hoping will lead them to Fayed. Jack says he’s not far from Assad’s location (Assad is driving, remember) and that he’ll “find” Assad. And then what, Jack? Jump onto the roof of the car? Oh, what am I saying? He probably will.

In other news, Jack is jogging and fighting rather well for a man who could barely walk two hours ago. I hope he got some sleep on that flight from China.

Season 6; Hour One (6:00AM - 7:00AM)

2007-01-15T12:14:00.000-05:00

Air Date: 14 Jan 2007
Reviewer: J

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd, we’re back. It’s time for Season Six. Since D abandoned me (just kidding, D), I’m going to be hammering out four of these babies this week alone. The good news is that after this week, reviewing one hour at a time will be cake. So strap in and behave yourselves or I’ll turn this review around.

We open on Fox News telling us about all the bombings that have been going on, which we all know from the endless promos we’ve been seeing for the past month. A sketchy looking dude – middle eastern, of course – is trying to catch his bus but the bus driver won’t let him on. This, of course, after stopping the bus to look him up and down for about 30 seconds and then pulling away heartlessly. Turns out the joke’s on you, racist bus driver! There’s already a terrorist on board! Maybe if you’re going to practice racial profiling, you shouldn’t just limit it to those who are late. Sometimes, terrorists are on time, bozo.

So the bus goes ka-blooey and we then move to Washington, DC, where, lo and behold! We see the Oval Office! Holy Moses, I never thought it would happen. And there’s John Cage from Ally McBeal fame arguing with our old friend Karen Hayes, who is now the National Security Advisor. Cage, whose name in this show is Tom, wants to set up “detention centers” for, well, all people who aren’t lily-white, I guess. Karen is argument is that might upset the law-abiding middle Eastern folks who reside legally in the United States. Tom’s argument is, basically, “oh well.”

We then see they’re arguing in front of President Wayne Palmer. I love television and the way that they can show us a world where things happen that might never happen in our lifetimes, like a black President. I mean, I’d have voted for David Palmer for sure but you just know that nobody in the South would. Oh well. In 24-land, Wayne is now President, which probably wasn’t too hard to win since he was likely running against Hal Gardner, Logan’s successor. I imagine it was like the Nixon/Ford years – the country lost trust in that party and in came the new guy. Plus, people loved Wayne’s brother so there you have it. Whether or not they know about Wayne’s breaking and entering back in Season Three is anyone’s guess.

Anyway, Wayne is clearly struggling with all of this, especially all the terrorist attacks on the U.S., which is pushing the death toll towards 1,000 civilians. We also learn that the terrorist alert level is at red for the first time since the formation of the Department of Homeland Security. I like Wayne in this role and I like that he’s clearly struggling with the morality of detaining people based on the color of their skin (for obvious reasons) while also weighing unending acts of terrorism in the U.S. To illustrate how frequent these attacks are getting, we see Karen, Tom and Wayne get the news of the bus that just blew up in L.A. and see that they’re not all that fazed by it. One thing Wayne isn’t afraid of is ordering the death of a known terrorist, Assad. I like that about him.

We get our first look at CTU Los Angeles and see that the floor layout hasn’t changed all that much, although there are probably a lot of employees not yet vested in their company-matching 401(k)s seeing as how many died last season. We learn that Chloe’s ex-husband Morris was kept on after helping out at the end of Day Five and that he’s just as boorish as he was last season. We also learn that Milo is back and, apparently, has some sort of management role. Good choice, CTU.

It also appears that Chloe and Morris are back together, or at least boffing again. The Fox summary says that Morris responds to Chloe “by grabbing her from behind.” I’d suggest they remove the “from” lest this turn into a porn blow-by-blow – er, description.

Since it’s the first hour, we’re meeting all sorts of people, including another newbie at CTU who also appears to have a management position (Assistant Special Agent in Charge, as it turns out), Nadia Yassir. Nadia is hot. This must be what has prompted Chloe to get a new hairstyle and to dress in a snappy black suit. Anyway, Nadia exposits for us that they have a lead on killing Assad and that they’re using Jack Bauer for bait. Chloe spits out that Jack is in a Chinese prison.
Okay, so let’s hold the phone a second here. How exactly does Chloe know that? I thought the Chinese were going to keep that secret so the U.S. didn’t interfere. Who else knows? Does Audrey know? Does Kim know? Evidently, Wayne Palmer knew, because he somehow negotiated the release of Jack… to use as trade bait for Assad. Apparently, there’s a member of Assad’s cell named Abu Fayed who is willing to give up Assad’s location in exchange for Jack. He’s very thorough and has all the CTU surveillance protocols and is tapped into their systems so that he knows he isn’t being set up. It turns out his brother is one of the many people Jack has tortured and killed over the years and Fayed wants to exact some revenge for “what happened in Beirut,” or so Buchanan eventually exposits.

Ah, yes, Buchanan. He and Curtis, who gets like two or three lines, are at the airfield to pick up Jack from the Chinese. We get to see Cheng Zhi again, who we learned in the prequel to Season Six is a much worse dude than we realized. I found myself thinking during the exchange as Jack stared down Zhi that this guy has been a character on 24 since April 2005, roughly. His story arc has been a long one. I think it’s safe to assume it’s over now.

However, I am indeed curious what Palmer traded for Jack. Zhi says the Prez paid a high price for him so it leads me to hope that Palmer gave the Chinese Charles Logan. However, Wayne knows what a weak man Logan is and that he probably would give up state secrets that Jack wouldn’t so that’s likely a no.

Buchanan looks sickened at Jack’s appearance and we see that Jack’s hands have been burned. They take Jack into a hangar and tell him the situation. It’s kind of a good news-bad news kind of thing. Buchanan gets right to it:

Good news, Wayne Palmer negotiated your release.

Bad news, you’re being sacrificed in the name of U.S. citizens.

Jack clearly is confused at first, especially at the phrase “President Palmer.” Yeah, Bill, way to not convince Jack he’s really lost it. Buchanan explains that Wayne is President and says, “I’m sorry Jack, how could you know?” He fails to fill Jack in on the Cardinals winning the World Series, however.

Anyway, Jack is allowed to freshen up after 20 months in a Chinese prison (how thoughtful, though it’s probably because Buchanan doesn’t want Smelly Jack in his car) and we see the many scars on Jack’s back from the torture. This guy definitely went through hell.

Chloe is up to her typical ways, bitch-snotting Nadia into telling her the deal with Jack. Chloe is upset but realizes that Palmer has approved it and there’s nothing she can do. We do see throughout this episode, though, how much she still cares about Jack. It’s still interesting to me how she knew he was in a Chinese prison. Maybe she reads the fan sites.

Jack is clean-shaven and looks pretty good for a guy who just got out of prison. Strangely, he’s wearing his new button-down shirt with the top button done like he was expecting one of Bill’s ties or something. Or maybe he’s hoping to be mistaken for a member of the clergy. Anyway, Bill and Curtis take him to the drop point for Fayed, at which point he’ll be “on his own.” Man, that sucks. Jack takes it all in stride, though, even giving us the impassioned speech we’ve heard many times in the promos (although I didn’t realize it was to Bill, who looks even sicker that he has to leave Jack handcuffed to a storm gate in a drainage basin), about how this gives him the chance “to die for something.” Fair enough. Bill and Curtis depart and head back to CTU where they’ve left the kids running things long enough.

At about this time we’re introduced to some Caucasian long-haired Angelinos, Jillian and Ray Wallace, who are worried about their son Scott going to school. During the hullabaloo, they see that their neighbor is being arrested by the FBI. So maybe Tom’s detention centers are already going into effect? Hard to say. It turns out, though, that the gentleman’s son, Ahmed (or Kumar, of Harold and Kumar fame), is the one who is actually working with Fayed in some way. We don’t see that at first but there’s got to be some reason we’re being introduced to this character so I think we all fully suspected it. Ray Wallace actually goes over to the house to defend Ahmed/Kumar from a racist, hillbilly neighbor (who may or may not have been part of the group who killed Yusuf in Season Two) who wants to beat him senseless. Which, as it turns out, is an accurate instinct but one we were to believe was not accurate at this point in the story.

Back at CTU, Morris pleases Chloe (not that way, pervs) by telling her that he has access to a non-government satellite and that they can look in on Jack with it without Sayed knowing. Well, what good does that do? So you can see him be killed? Because, you know, that’s probably what Sayed wants to do right away. Oh, but no, Sayed says to Jack that he’s been waiting for this for a long time and Jack is knocked over the coconut and thrown in a van. At this point, one of Sayed’s henchies calls him to tell him he’s being monitored by a non-government satellite. Heh, nice one, Morris. Sayed calls CTU and does the whole threaten thing while Nadia and Milo truthfully say that don’t know what he’s talking about. They, of course, do figure out that it’s the O’Brian Crime Fighting Duo who are fucking around with satellites and quite recklessly risking the operation. They shut down as Sayed asks but he toys with CTU by saying he might not tell them where Assad is. Way to go, O’Brian Crime Fighters.

Bill comes in and is ready to throw Chloe through the plate-glass wall. She offers herself up to be fired – and she really should be, for once – but Bill says he would if not for the fact that they need the manpower. What a lame – and tired – excuse for not firing people. Just shit-can them and replace them with people who do what they’re told. Jesus. Or Allah. Your call.
At Fayed’s underground hideout, he gives Jack a few punches and sits him in a chair hooked to a heart monitor. Fayed, in true Bond villain form, tells Jack that Assad isn’t here to carry out these attacks – he’s here to try to stop the network he has from doing them, and that it’s Fayed who is masterminding the attacks. And will continue to after Assad is dead. Ruh-roh!

Fayed acknowledged the Chinese didn’t leave him much to work with but gets right to the business of stabbing Jack in the nerve bundle located in front of Jack’s left shoulder. Jack actually doesn’t seem the mind the stabbing but he really doesn’t care for the liquid that is then poured into the wound. I’m not sure if it’s alcohol, acid or what. Regardless, Fayed’s reaction is marginally amusing as he says, “Better.”

We also see Fayed shank Jack in the back with what looks like a shish-ka-bob skewer. That has got to hurt a bit and Jack does react like he’s…well, been stabbed.

Fayed then decides to move on to cutting off Jack’s finger and for a minute it appears we’re going to see it happen until Fayed is… interrupted by a phone call. Fricking telemarketers. Get on the “Do Not Call” list, Fayed! Did you hear that they’re going to have our cell numbers soon, too??

Fayed takes the call which is just a freak-out session from Kumar/Ahmed, whose innocent father has been abducted by the FBI. All Fayed cares about is “the package,” which may or may not be a sack of White Castle burgers.

While Fayed is preoccupied with this call, Jack gets his heart monitor off and plays dead. The lone guard in the room rushes over to assess and Jack goes all Hannibal Lecter on him, taking a chunk out of the guard’s neck with his teeth. Blech.

Jack gets loose and opens a grate, which Fayed’s men assume was his escape route when in reality Jack is hiding in the grate under the torture area. Sure hope there’s another way out of that grate, Jack, and that they don’t leave someone behind to look for you.

And, basically, that’s the end of Hour One. CTU is planning to detonate the house that Assad is holed up in (in LA, fortuitously) and hope that it quells the terror attacks. Of course, we and Jack know that that’s a fruitless cause. What will happen? How will Jack get the word to CTU and will they believe him? I can’t believe I have to wait until the next episode to find out! Oh, wait, it’s on right after this one… sweet. This really is the “non-stop season” of 24!